"Life was Easy When it was Boring..."

"Now remember... Macro is BIIIG, micro is tiny, very very small. We're hopeful because we're catching this early that it's probably a micro benign tumor."

Tumor. What an ugly word. Of all the words I wanted or didn't want to hear yesterday, I assumed the word tumor would never had been spoken to me while I am supposed to be living it up in my twenties. 

I thought all my physical health problems would end with my gallbladder. I spent four long months in pain and after a quick surgery, the pain was gone. I've asked "why me" with the gallbladder trial and I can see that it was in my family history. But the fact that my pituitary gland has a benign but unknown size growth on it...that has nothing to do with family history as far as I can tell. 

My body changed after my gallbladder surgery. I can eat some food, no problem, but other food leads to pretty intense pain and a few too many trips to the bathroom. But something else changed. In October, I realized no longer had a menstrual cycle. While I knew this probably wasn't good, I mean it was KINDA nice not to have a surprise visitor every month and you better believe I saved a lot of $$, not buying tampons and pads all the time. I expected that visitor would come every month and when it didn't, I mentioned I should probably see a doctor. But I didn't have adequate health insurance in Utah. I went home twice before I mentioned more urgently that I need to see a doctor. With that, I got myself an appointment.

My original appointment was for the last day of my trip but my mom also had an appt with this same doctor so we switched appts, just in case I had to come back for a followup. When I met with the doctor, he was concerned and gave me three possible options on what was wrong. One was a syndrome called PCOS, the second: a problem with my thyroid, or the third: my brain. I quickly ruled out the brain option, prayed it wasn't a thyroid problem and hoped for PCOS. The next day, I came back for blood work and next I prayed that the results would come back in time for my appointment on Wednesday.

Meanwhile, my cousin Corey went to the temple for the first time and I had another great trip to the temple. My mom and I were both praying with related health issues and I just felt that Heavenly Father was in control and had a plan. My mom felt a lot of peace and it was a great day. I just decided to put everything out of my mind and had a really great trip with my family.

Well, I called the doctor on Tuesday and they said the results were in. I was nervous but felt pretty confident that I had "self-diagnosed" myself. After all, that happened with my gallbladder. I slept without trouble.

Wednesday came bright and early. My mom and I had back to back appointments. Of course when we showed up, the doc was running 30 minutes late. I had a book so I tried to focus on it. When the nurse brought me back, I sat in the room for about 20 minutes alone. I tried to keep my composure. I tried to focus on my book but my eyes blurred the words and I'm pretty sure my pulse was sky high when the nurse took my blood pressure. After eternity, my mom came in and two seconds later the doctor came in too. He started off saying that the blood test for my thyroid came back negative (RELIEF) but then he told me that the result for PCOS came back negative. (FEAR) He then told me that yes, the blood test came back positive for my brain. I blinked and said ok but really don't remember much more from the appointment, except from what I opened up this blog post with.

"Now remember... Macro is BIIIG, micro is tiny, very very small. We're hopeful because we're catching this early that it's probably just a micro benign tumor." 

I kept my composure as we discussed that I was leaving the state the next day and didn't have plans to come back until middle of July. He mentioned that I'd need to meet with an endocrinologist, who would probably do a CAT scan or a MRI in order to diagnose the size and what the next steps are. Luckily, he mentioned he'd rush the referral. Basically, my mom talked and I listened. The second the doctor left, I was in pretty much shock and just cried. I immediately again thought WHY ME. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just trying to live life as a graduated single girl living in Provo, UT, working full time in Orem. I'm just trying to figure out who I am and another stumbling block came in my way.

Needless to say, yesterday was not good. It's weird, when someone tells you that you have something wrong with your brain, it REALLY messes with your mind, not pun intended. I kept thinking a lot and thinking that maybe it's because I always wear a headband. My mind was my worst enemy and basically all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch and sleep. I didn't want to deal with any of the emotions, I didn't want to deal with anything.

My mom prompted me to get a blessing, which I agreed on. Around 7 last night, my grandpa came over with my dad to give me a blessing. I have to say, I was still feeling entirely pessimistic and unhappy. But the blessing I received....was amazing.

Within the first few minutes, I was told not to waste time or energy on wondering why or how--those don't need to be answered. The trials I've had will help me with future trials. I was also explicitly blessed to be completely healed and my body will return to normal, which is a direct blessing from Heavenly Father. The blessing was beautiful and perfect and everything I needed to hear.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do without the gospel in my life. I'm 22 years old and I've gone through heck and back. It seems every time I'm complacent, another trial comes which seems to be harder than the last. But, I know without a doubt that my Savior has been there for me when no one else has and that this was part of the plan I agreed to when I decided to come to Earth. I know that I was eager to come to Earth and make decisions to please Heavenly Father and return to live with Him. I don't know if I knew what would happen when I was down here but I do know that I am strong enough to take each trial with the help from Heavenly Father.

So here's what I know now. Tomorrow morning, I'll make a call to set up an appointment with an endocrinologist. I most likely have a benign growth in my pituitary gland and my prolactin hormone levels are high, which is causing me not to have a period. I have a condition that is fixable with medication, something that is inconvenient seeing as I'll have to make another trip (oh darn) to California this summer and probably something I'll have to monitor with medication for awhile. But I have faith that I'll be healed because Heavenly Father told me so. I have faith that things will turn out ok and that I'll never know the reason for yet another trial. And that's OK. I don't need to know everything because I know that Heavenly Father in His wisdom has a plan.

And I also know that life was EASY when it was boring...and I'm glad I woke up this morning.

Hard Battles

Typical conversation I have when I meet someone new in Provo...
Stranger: "So, are you a student here?"
Me: "No, I graduated from BYU in sociology."
Stranger: "Oh....so what are you doing now?"
Me: "I work at a rehab home for girl's with eating disorders."

I've begun to expect the following responses.
"Oh, I have an eating disorder...I eat too much!"
"Wow, that's gotta be hard. Is that a hard job?"
"That's a wonderful position. They need more people like you."

But the most popular one I get is...

"Oh. Wow. Thank you. My _____ (fill in the blank with a family member, friend, friend of a friend, family member's friend, neighbor's cousin's daughter, etc.) has an eating disorder."

Do we realize just how much our society centers on weight? I mean, just today, I told someone where I worked and they responded that their sister struggled with anorexia for twenty plus years. Two minutes later, she talked about how she had put on a little weight in the past couple of years and was wishing that she wasn't the size she was....the other lady agreed. I just smiled but inside, my mind was screaming WHAT!!??!

How did I come to this job? Well, here's a little background.

I remember the first time I was teased for my weight. I was in sixth grade. My "nickname" that year was little miss perfect and as I recall, my teacher would sit me by the "bad" kids, hoping I'd rub off on them. Anyway, we were comparing report card remarks and my teacher said I was becoming a well-rounded young lady. One of my best friends (and next door neighbor) replied bitterly, "Yeah, well-rounded right in the middle." The comment hurt and here, about TWELVE Years later, I remember who said it, where I was, and how it hurt.

Then, there was the first time I had a "boyfriend." I was a freshman in high school, age 14. I remember not wanting to be seen as "fat" so I refused to eat lunch in front of him. One of my dear friends commented that I should eat more or I was gonna be anorexic. I laughed it off. But I was kinda scared of that word. It was probably my earliest recollection of the word "anorexic." I remember hearing the words anorexic and bulimic and years later, I thank my lucky stars that I don't struggle with these diseases. In all honesty, sure, I could lose a couple pounds. But I'm completely confident in the body I have.


I honestly never thought I'd be working where I am now or become "passionate" about eating disorders (ED). But one day at work, a patient who found out that I'm LDS asked me if God led me to work at CFC. And I realized...He did.

I first watched a roommate struggle with an ED. Over exercising, not eating enough, and calorie counting, it was a scary cycle. She confided in me and sought on campus help. I researched more and stumbled across the center's website. I tucked it in the back of my mind, not mentioning it to her or realizing that this would spark my interest in mental health.

In the past few years, I've watched roommates, friends, and family members struggle with EDs, anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks, and depression. Each battle is different and each individual reacts differently. Sometimes, I can tell in the moment, but more often than not, I find out from the individual confiding in me MONTHS later. This is often an internal struggle and something that we as a society have made "unacceptable."

Just a couple months ago, I attended a marriage and family therapy graduate school fair and Center for Change had a booth set up, recruiting. And I knew I had found the perfect post BYU job. Working at CFC gives me the opportunity to interact with girls who struggle with eating disorders among other mental health issues. Some nights are hard. This is not an easy thing to deal with. While we each have our own trials, EDs are not something to laugh off.

There's a few things I want to stress -

1. These are some of the strongest women I have met. Yes, their bodies might seem broken but their spirits are strong. Each day, they amaze me with the strides they make. Some days are harder than others and that's OK. Relapses are common. But each day, my eyes are opened and my heart is filled with love to hear their stories. And they never fail to make me smile and laugh. 

2. EDs don't start just because of negative body image ideals. Unlike the diagnosis of the flu or common cold, one symptom does not fit all. Many EDs start based on deep rooted trauma or the need for control. And ED thoughts are often triggered by talking about food, talking about weight, talking about "oh you look so good!" etc.

3. Recovery is possible! At the center, we have many "survivors" who are care techs, dietitians and therapists. It might seem impossible and yes, it'll be ha
rd but it's completely possible to heal and change. I see it often and it brings me joy to watch the changes. It brings me hope. And if healing doesn't occur now, I know that healing is possible in the next life.

More than anything, during May (Mental Illness Awareness Month) I want to stress that mental health is just as important as physical health. While it might seem "taboo" to talk about, I feel it's important recognize that recovery and healing is more than possible and that there are so many resources to take advantage of. Healing is possible. Recovery is hard but possible.

And most of all, BE KIND. You never know the hard battles others are hiding and facing alone. The least we can do is to be kind to all those we know, meet, see, notice, and love.

"I've Got This"

So, a year ago, I created a Spotify playlist called "I've Got This." Browsing through that playlist, you'll find songs like "Since U Been Gone"...."Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)"..."Mama's Broken Heart"..."Diva"..."DONE."...and similar songs. What do all these songs have in common? They are songs that got me through one of the hardest months of my life to date.

I'm blessed with the ability to have perspective but I'm cursed with the ability to look back...on the exact dates. So, I knew these coming weeks and days might be hard (if you're new to my blog, welcome! Now go read these two posts so you have an idea of what I'm referring to). I tried to distract myself a week before March 1st when I had the first breakdown I've had in awhile. The next day proved just as hard. I reminded myself of this playlist and it's been blasting in my car, in my room, during my showers...basically non stop. This playlist gave me courage a year ago and today, I've been looking back on the past year of my life.

When my life flipped upside down, I was struggling to find purpose. I knew that God was testing me and looking back, I'm oh so glad He did. Finding myself back to the single life was hard enough but finding out I should probably go back to California for the summer and having SURGERY? That was too much. I mean, at least I didn't get mono (haha, such a funny story), but I was mad. I wasn't doing anything wrong and everything just fell apart.

So what do you do when everything falls apart? You take a good hard look at yourself and figure out what's important, who you are, and how you're going to live your life. You essentially breakaway from old habits, who you thought you were and let go of previous notions. lemme tell ya... IT'S SCARY. I've been in a car accident, been cheated on, heartbroken, had my gallbladder out, been hospitalized from salmonella and I'd rather take one of those challenges than watch my life fall apart again. In less than six words (ie, "I think we should breakup" && "it's not you, it's me"), everything I knew, planned for, and hoped for changed and I was left jaw dropped and speechless.

Can I just say...looking back, it's been one of the 

most rewarding years of my life.

March 2015, I learned about courage. I faced some of my biggest fears, looked them right in the face and didn't back down. I woke up every morning before 7 a.m. and tried a new "skill," Zumba. I threw my life into exercising and feeling good in the midst of gallbladder attacks and a broken heart.

In April, I learned how to make hard decisions with Heavenly Father's help. I prayed harder in my life for Him to take my pain away. I prayed and cried and wondered why me. But I never stopped trusting. I acted on faith and God answered my prayers by giving me experiences to help those who needed it and showing me the way. I made the decision to head home for a possible gallbladder surgery.

By May, I learned that my mom is my hero. I knew she did a lot for me and my family but I watched her selflessly serve everyone around her. I already knew that she was a pretty amazing person but I now know that I'll be lucky if I turn out -half as service-orientated and faithful as she is.

I realized in June that I can make it through just about anything with Christ on my side. I literally felt Heavenly Father carrying me through the pain of surgery and I Knew that Christ had felt every pain I had. Not only that, but I learned that I can be pretttty crafty. Just days after surgery, I was watching Netflix and planning my first bridal shower. I had the experience of being a bridesmaid and felt old as I watched one of my first best friends be married.

The importance of family became a huge focus of the month of July. Being home all summer gave me the opportunity to be close to my immediate family but also to my extended family. When we got to our Oceanside vacation, I was having tons of fun in the moment with not only my aunts and uncles but my cousins. I decided to make new memories with them instead of sitting by myself on the beach. I also experienced "wanderlust" and traveled by every type of transportation except a bus!

Looking back to August, I was grateful for all adventures I had in California. I spent so many days with family and friends. I made new friends, hung out with my good ole friends, and I was spoiled by living in the great Sunshine State. I was taught by a friend to live in the moment, by randomly going parasailing and actually enjoying shopping!

And going back to school in September, I learned that one day, you're planning for the future and suddenly the future is here. I was lost. I was confused of who I was, where I was going, and what to do about that. I struggled for purpose and I dove into the gospel to find the answers. I received many blessings and spiritually promptings that taught me to listen and trust in God. He knows the way and He will lead us if we just listen. I also learned to push my limits, physically. I found out that I love nature and being outside and testing my physical limits.

In October, I learned about the temple. The temple is an amazing place, no matter what ordinance you are participating in. I learned that I am truly a daughter of a King and that families are forever without a doubt. I watched my sister find her sweetheart and I saw what love can be. I turned 22 and felt the love from all over. 

And after all the trials I've seen in my life, in November, I realized that trials come when we least expect them. And sometimes, we don't know why trials come upon us or what we need to learn from them. But I experienced my first (and hopefully ever) hospitalization due to salmonella. I watched countless friends, family members, ward members, and friends of my family serve me, pray for me, write me letters, draw me pictures, send me flowers, and write encouraging messages over social media. I conquered my fear of getting blood drawn, as every morning at 4 AM someone would come draw my blood.  I conquered my fear of needles, having multiple IVs in my arm and hand. I knew, once again, that Heavenly Father can carry us through our trials if we but believe in Him.

In December, I finally felt relief as I accomplished my major goal in my 20s--to finish my undergrad. I wish I could say it was easy but there were SO MANY late nights, long cries after failed tests, and frustration over difficult assignments that I felt a huge sense of relief after my last final, after receiving my undergrad in the mail, after realizing that I'll probably never sit in a BYU class again....okay that last one was really sad. But I know that education is important without a doubt. I hope to continue with my education one day soon but my undergrad taught me a lot about who I am as a person and who I strive to be as an individual.

And in 2016, I was blessed to find and be trained in a new job, all in the month of January. It is not by chance that I found a job so "easily" and have loved every minute there. I don't know many people who can say that they love their job but I'm grateful to be in a profession where I can say that I honestly love the people I work with, the girls who inspire me, and the environment I go to [almost] every day. I have found my niche and for that, I am grateful.

And finally, February. This past month, as said previous, I've been reflecting.  Thinking back to my plans for last year, I was hoping to move to Wyoming, work with my [ex]boyfriend, most likely get married, and live happily ever after. Writing that made me LAUGH OUT LOUD. My whole life, I've been planning for the future. When is the future? The future is now. Or tomorrow. Or Thursday or next week. What I'm trying to say is yes, while we should have a certain plan for the future, we never know when God is going to change our plans. When a trial is going to come out of nowhere. When a new opportunity will present itself. When that person of our dreams will show up. We just don't know. So while you should be planning for the future, plan for the present. Decide today to say, you know what, I GOT THIS. I got the good, I got the bad, I got the happy, I got the sad. I'm going to do this and I'm going to give my all. I'm going to be here in the present and I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to be happy now. That's what my playlist is all about. While, yes, there are some breakup songs, mostly it's a playlist of empowerment...of giving your all...of being done with dumb people in your life...of continuing when life gets tough...and of being happy. So, when life gets you down, you can find my playlist here. 

And remember...you've got this.

Three Years and Counting...

Not gonna lie. As I sit here tonight, I am emotional drained. My head is pounding from some lack of sleep but also because my emotional capacity is filled. But January 27th is an important milestone in my life so I had to write tonight. It marks the first time I really dealt with a trial, when I had to humble myself, trust in God, use the enabling power of the Atonement, and discovered that Christ is ALWAYS there for you and me.

I wrote my last college essay on the experience I had 3 years ago today. Here's part of the essay to understand what happened and how I now deal with hard times when they come my way.

Castlewood Canyon, Colorado

    In January 2013, I was bored at BYU during my sophomore year of college.  This boredom caused me to plan a weekend trip to Colorado with three of friends. The trip was amazing—we explored the great outdoors, saw the sights of Colorado Springs, and felt so carefree for a mere 48 hours. We decided to drive back to Provo through dreary Wyoming. 
    Suddenly, the car jerked.  All sound stopped. I didn't hear anything after the screeching of tires, the screech that leaves behind black hideous marks on the freeway. It all went silent.  But with wide eyes, I remember my body turning twice. Rolling. Legs on the ceiling of the car. The car on its side. The car starting to roll once more. Trying to brace myself. Trying to get it to stop. Trying....to hold onto anything. The car stopped with a jolt.  The first sounds I hear again were hysterical cries "Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."  Another voice, "is everyone okay?"  Then I hear deep, shallow breathing.  The breaths are trying to bring in deep gulps of air but for some reason, the lungs couldn't fill up.  It is so loud.  I want them to stop.  Then I realize it’s me. My tears start while my breathing continues.  I can’t get sounds or words out.  My friend is in my face, pulling on my hair, saying, "She's in shock. Megan, focus. You're okay." His hands are in my face again and I realize he's pulling glass out of my hair and away from my eyes. Then, a face in the window. I don't remember the window being rolled down and that's when I realize it's smashed, the glass all over me. The face in window asks again, "Is everyone ok?"  I look at her blankly. A voice answers for me, "We’re all fine except for her. We need to call an ambulance."
    That's when reality snaps. No. I try again to speak, louder. Nothing comes out. I practically scream “NO” and my friend looks at me. He again moves closer and asks if I can move my feet and my toes.  I nod.  He says that we need to call my parents after the ambulance is called.  I start to cry.  He immediately moves to the middle seat, holds my hand, and comforts me as if I'm a child who awoke from a nightmare. But this isn't a nightmare and my mind is racing. My thoughts go to the worst little word that can destroy you. Why? Why me?

    I calm down.  Breathing hurts but I can breathe.  My parents are called.  I cry more.  They promise to fly if anything serious happens at the hospital. I calmly tell my friend that I won't get in their ambulance unless someone promises that he'll come.  The paramedics arrive, another face in the window.  I firmly as possible inform them that I won’t go to the hospital unless he comes.  They aren't listening to me. I practically scream “I. Will. Not. Go. With. You. Unless. He. Comes.”  They agree, while the jaws of life are used to open the door.  The plastic hard stretcher comes in the car. A paramedic puts a neck brace on me.  I'm cold.  It's windy.  And I don't have shoes on.  I'm lifted into the ambulance.  I can't see anything.  I just see faces of paramedics who look concerned.  There's a tickling in my nose.  It’s an oxygen line. Forty long eternal minutes later, we’re at the hospital. My first time in a hospital...alone...without my family, in the middle of Wyoming.
   After another eternal few hours, I was discharged from the emergency room with no broken bones. I thought I was fine, until I walked.  Every step sent shooting pains through my back and neck. We checked into a Motel 6 and everyone stares at me as I am helped in bed.  I feel like screaming.  I can't stand their gazes.  I just want everything to be normal.  We stayed overnight in Wyoming and I had the first of many sleepless nights to come, unable to get comfortable and stay asleep.
    Back in Utah, I visited a chiropractor who informs me that I have torn ligaments in my neck and the alignment of my back is way off track. Physical therapy, painful massages, and electric treatment to get the alignment of my spine back to normal is the course of action. The days ahead are the most painful of my life.

It shocks me that this was three years ago and yet I remember everything like it was yesterday. I mean, my back and neck daily remind me that this happened. But I'm grateful for the pain. It's a constant reminder that I can make it through anything and that Christ knows me personally. He was there for me on sleepless nights, on hard physical therapy days and during moments when I had to humble myself in order to ask for His help. More than that, I'm grateful for this trial. It's made the hardest times in my life a little bit easier and I always know what to do when trials hit. It wasn't a bad luck, a freak accident. It was part of my life story and I know that now more than ever.

Trials are going to come, whether we like it or not. That's part of life. That's part of being human. But what we can decide is how we act. Do we lose hope and give up? Or do we trust that God is in control and has a better plan? Do We lean on Christ and Keep our faith? You will decide. And it will make all the difference.

Never Losing Faith: How This Year is Better than 2015

Two weeks ago, I was packing up my room at home, heading back up to cold, frost bitten Utah. At that time, I'm not going to lie--I wasn't excited at all. Instead, I was frustrated that I wasn't packing up to head to beautiful FIJI, my dream destination. Little did I know that Heavenly Father always knows what's better for me.

Back tracking to Summer 2015. I was home and desperately wanting to live my dream of going to Help International and living in Fiji. I researched as much as I could and even convinced my parents to let me go for a graduation gift starting February 2016. They agreed and I was ecstatic! When I was moving into my apartment in August, I didn't do a ton of decorating like I normally do because I assumed I'd only be here for a semester. I remember when my mom was helping me move in, she took a bag full of t-shirts home so I could wear them specifically in Fiji. However, in September, I was sitting in the temple and suddenly knew that I shouldn't go to Fiji. I didn't know why and honestly, I didn't want to believe that was the answer I was getting. But every time during that hour I thought about Fiji, my heart would race and I felt anxious. I thought maybe I was nervous....but I knew. I knew it was my answer not to go to Fiji. A few weeks later, in a blessing from my brother-in-law, I was told that should I apply to graduate school, I would get into the school I needed to go to. I sighed internally. No Fiji and now graduate school? Graduate school has been on the back burner of my life for the past two years, knowing I should go and not wanting to apply to school AGAIN, feeling burnt out....etc. etc. etc. I told myself I'd look into things next semester but was honestly lost on where to go.


Then, I was led to where I needed to be. I was walking out of my first class on a Wednesday during October and went out a different way than normal. A computer screen caught my eye. "MFT GRADUATE SCHOOL FAIR, FRIDAY, WILK GARDEN COURT." Heavenly Father led to me a Marriage and Family Therapy Graduate School Fair, because I hardly ever walk out that way, never mind looking around the building. I went, thinking I'd come back with a few graduate schools in mind. However, I was more drawn to two booths talking about residential treatment centers. I took down information and was excited for the possibility of jobs! (Especially after checking out my bank account....lol!) In November, Center for Change had a job opportunity open! I started filling out the application and was ready to submit it, except I had a few questions left to answer. The day I decided to finish the application, I woke up extremely sick and if you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you know what happened next. I ended up in the hospital with salmonella and the job closed by the time I was better and thinking about jobs again. I was crushed!

However, a week or so after getting out of the hospital, I had two job interviews for two other residential treatment centers!! My hopes soared just like my nerves. I had never had a "real interview," and I was so so so nervous. I went to both interviews and so badly wanted the jobs but had no luck. I went home for Christmas break extremely nervous for what my future held. My prayers turned into a lot of pleading but "Thy Will Be Done" endings. I always felt at peace about things but I was scared out of my mind to go back to Provo. Well, that's not true. I was scared for the week AFTER my family left. I was looking forward to hanging with the family and actually enjoying a "winter break."

A few days after Christmas, I looked at Center For Change's website and there it was, the job I wanted was open once again! I quickly fill out the application and sent it in that night! The NEXT morning, I got a phone call and I couldn't contain my excitement. But then the worry of being in California came into play. But, again, Heavenly Father was looking out for me. The interviews were going to finished the Tuesday I would be back in Utah. I took the opportunity and headed to the interview more nervous than ever, knowing how badly I wanted this opportunity. The first interview went well, it felt more like a conversation than anything. I got a second interview and the next day, I returned back for a quick, fast paced interview and I left praying that I would receive a job offer.

My family and I headed up to the Salt Lake Temple the next day and I knew my phone would be off for a good couple hours. As I was sitting in the celestial room, I was praying so hard. I knew God had a plan for me. I was willing to take those steps into the darkness to be shown the light. I was willing to put the work in if He just showed me what He needed me to do. After the end of my prayers, I felt really good. I imagined the scene in my mind--stepping out of the temple, turning on my phone and seeing a voicemail. Well, that scene became REALITY. 10 minutes later, I called back and was offered the job!

Pretty good story, right? Seems like everything is going pretty good in my life right now. So far, 2016 is starting off really well for me. But I have to take a second to admire my hardships of 2015. My health took a turn for the worst a year ago almost today. My heart was broken two months into the year. I left my Provo home to get my gallbladder out. I had some pretty lonely days and some extremely hard times. I had a rough fall semester full of fear of what to do and what the future held for me. But one thing never changed. I can honestly say I never lost my faith. I had nights where I questioned what I was doing or why this was happening to me. But I prayed. I attended the temple. I read my scriptures and conference talks. I went to church and actually paid attention. I'm not saying I was perfect but I did all I could.

What I really learned in 2015 is Heavenly Father is always there for you and me and us and we. That never changes. No matter how many trials we go through. No matter how many times our hearts are broken. Jesus Christ is the ultimate Healer and He knows all that we go through. He has felt every pain, every devastating moment, every lonely moment.  He is there for us when no one else is. He is the first person we should turn to.

Heavenly Father has a plan for each and every one of us. At times, it's so very hard to see that. It's hard to take those initial steps in the darkness, always praying and asking is this what I need to do? Heavenly Father knows. He knows that life isn't easy. But He is always there, waiting to show us the way. We just need to be willing to follow Him and promise to never lose our faith in His plan.

#Meganns150DaysofHappiness

If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you know I'm an avid social media user. I believe in posting and I believe in capturing life's moments--and this summer especially, I believe in posting the good and the bad in order to really capture what life is.

At the end of April, I left Provo physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. The semester was hard. I had lost the sense of who I was and I was terrified. Not just scared but terrified. I had just scheduled a doctor's appointment in California as my doctor in Utah suggested Gallbladder removal surgery. I love California but I knew I would be losing my "social life" and would go back home to a place that I didn't necessarily fit in. I'd be surrounded by people that love me unconditionally but didn't totally understand me. The first night at home, I had the idea to start a happiness challenge. For the next set amount of days, I would post a picture a day of something that brought me

happiness.

At first, it was pretty easy. I had so much to be happiness--I was home, being taken care of, and I was hanging out with my mom everyday. One of my biggest worries about going home was finding a job. Every week except the week of my surgery, I found work. I watched my favorite newborn and learned a lot. I hung out with my family and lived in the moment.

And then I had days that didn't go as planned. Where I was running around and didn't have time to make myself look presentable for a picture. But somehow, those days still turned out better than I had planned. Some were hard and even though they ended in tears, I still looked back and

found a small reason to smile because of a lesson learned or a thought that came to me.

But, sometimes, it was hard. It was hard to watch 2 friends get married and while it was a joy to be apart of their celebrations, reality would hit at the worst times. The day I got my gallbladder out, I was in so much pain and just craved being normal in good health. When my younger sister got engaged, I was thrilled for her but in the days to come I realized that life wasn't happening the way I planned.

You see, for part of my life, I considered happiness as a destination. I'd look forward to birthdays, holidays, and life events. My thoughts went like this... "when I turn 18, I'll be happy." "When my friends come home from missions, I'll be happy.” "When I find that special someone it'll be happy." I literally laugh out

loud at my old Megan thoughts.

 
Because these thoughts are poisonous. If we wait until we are happy, we’ll be waiting the rest of our lives! Happiness is not a destination but a journey.

It's not easy. The things that matter most never are. In the words of President Uchtdorf at yesterday's women's Conference, "God didn't design us to be sad , He created us to have joy." I strongly believe that happiness is a choice.

So I challenge you, the reader of my blog, to choose happiness. Find the roses instead of focusing on the thorns. Look for the many reasons to smile instead of one reason to frown. "Good things take patience and work." My 150 days of happiness made for some of the best days of my life. The habit of looking for happiness for over 100 days made me a different person. It was a lifestyle change. Even in the hardest, most stressful and saddest of moments, there is always something to smile about. We are so blessed. Remember that "when things don't go as planned we can choose to have Self-pity or we can choose to have faith and be happy." ~ President Uchtdorf 

The Insignificant Time I Learned Something Super Significant

One of my favorite aspects about life is how we learn the most significant lessons through simple tasks. I think we as humans believe that we only learn through huge life changing experiences and I have found that the simplest of times brings the greatest lessons.

A few weeks ago, I was house sitting....and dog sitting....and cat sitting.....and goat sitting. It was a blast!!! Along with house sitting, the family asked me to take them to the airport and pick them up. I agreed, I do enjoy driving (except not in LA) and I was willing to help them out. Taking them to the airport was no problem--they picked me up at OHMYGOSH-thirty and I drove their car home. However, I was little more worried about driving to and around LAX. I had picked a family up from the airport last month and it went smoothly but LAX is like the worst airport in the universe. To say I wasn't really looking forward to it is a huge understatement.

Well, on that night, I inhaled some diet coke to stay awake and I checked google maps

at 8 PM. My ETA to drive 30 something miles was about 54 minutes, with a six minute delay due to construction traffic. I took care of the dogs one last time, hopped into their large SUV, and headed to LAX, at like 9:15 pm. to pick them up at 10:30.

If you know me...you know how often I drive down to LA. I've gone down the 405 freeway at least once a week during every summer to go to the beach or the temple. I know how to get there backwards and forwards. But for some reason, I set myself up in their car with my headphones and google maps going. I remember thinking that it was kind of silly, as I knew the exits by heart--and my phone was at 40%. But I kept my GPS on.

(Now this part will only make sense if you live in Valencia, so bear with me if you don't...)

Normally, I would take the McBean freeway entrance, but as I was on Arroyo Park, I decided to turn right instead of left on McBean. I thought it was weird that turned there but the thought came that maybe it was faster to go one exit further away from LA and take Valencia instead of McBean (which literally makes no sense). As I was getting ready to enter the freeway on Valencia, I looked and saw that traffic was at a standstill and then I realized that google maps yelled at me to get on the "Old Road" instead of the freeway. I made the quickest lane change ever and made a quick decision to get on the Old Road.

Now, the Old Road is well what it sounds like--the "freeway" or highway back before Valencia was all settled. So I'm taking the Old Road and I look over at the freeway and traffic is completely stopped. Then I look again and I noticed a ton of firefighters, fire trucks and at least a dozen police cars. Now, I'm kinda freaking out. I called my dad and he started looking things up. At 8:30 PM that night, "Diesel fuel...spewed out of a truck and onto a portion of the southbound freeway." Because of this spill, the 5 freeway was completely shut down. I couldn't believe my "luck." I was in shock. If I had gotten onto the 5 freeway, I would have been completely stuck and late to the airport. Instead, I got onto the freeway almost at the 405 and made it down in plenty of time to LAX.

Say what you will. Call it luck. Call it an awesome GPS. Call it a coincidence. But I know that it wasn't like that. It wasn't luck, it wasn't GPS and it definitely wasn't a coincidence. God knew that it was important to me to make it to LAX on time and in good spirits. He knew that I would have panicked and stressed out all the way to LA. He knew that the family I was picking up would have been tired and possibly a little cranky that I was late. He knew all of that. And the best part about it was that the Spirit was prompting me to go to the Valencia on ramp and take the Old Road. It was not my GPS at first---it was the Holy Ghost. What was even more awesome was we had the missionaries over earlier that night. The lesson they shared with us was a promise to listen to the Holy Ghost. I smiled the rest of the night and thanked my Heavenly Father out loud for watching over me. I know that God lives and loves each of us. He is aware of us and our individual circumstances. He only wants what's best for us.