So, a year ago, I created a Spotify playlist called "I've Got This." Browsing through that playlist, you'll find songs like "Since U Been Gone"...."Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)"..."Mama's Broken Heart"..."Diva"..."DONE."...and similar songs. What do all these songs have in common? They are songs that got me through one of the hardest months of my life to date.
I'm blessed with the ability to have perspective but I'm cursed with the ability to look back...on the exact dates. So, I knew these coming weeks and days might be hard (if you're new to my blog, welcome! Now go read these two posts so you have an idea of what I'm referring to). I tried to distract myself a week before March 1st when I had the first breakdown I've had in awhile. The next day proved just as hard. I reminded myself of this playlist and it's been blasting in my car, in my room, during my showers...basically non stop. This playlist gave me courage a year ago and today, I've been looking back on the past year of my life.
When my life flipped upside down, I was struggling to find purpose. I knew that God was testing me and looking back, I'm oh so glad He did. Finding myself back to the single life was hard enough but finding out I should probably go back to California for the summer and having SURGERY? That was too much. I mean, at least I didn't get mono (haha, such a funny story), but I was mad. I wasn't doing anything wrong and everything just fell apart.
So what do you do when everything falls apart? You take a good hard look at yourself and figure out what's important, who you are, and how you're going to live your life. You essentially breakaway from old habits, who you thought you were and let go of previous notions. lemme tell ya... IT'S SCARY. I've been in a car accident, been cheated on, heartbroken, had my gallbladder out, been hospitalized from salmonella and I'd rather take one of those challenges than watch my life fall apart again. In less than six words (ie, "I think we should breakup" && "it's not you, it's me"), everything I knew, planned for, and hoped for changed and I was left jaw dropped and speechless.
Can I just say...looking back, it's been one of the
most rewarding years of my life.
March 2015, I learned about courage. I faced some of my biggest fears, looked them right in the face and didn't back down. I woke up every morning before 7 a.m. and tried a new "skill," Zumba. I threw my life into exercising and feeling good in the midst of gallbladder attacks and a broken heart.
In April, I learned how to make hard decisions with Heavenly Father's help. I prayed harder in my life for Him to take my pain away. I prayed and cried and wondered why me. But I never stopped trusting. I acted on faith and God answered my prayers by giving me experiences to help those who needed it and showing me the way. I made the decision to head home for a possible gallbladder surgery.
By May, I learned that my mom is my hero. I knew she did a lot for me and my family but I watched her selflessly serve everyone around her. I already knew that she was a pretty amazing person but I now know that I'll be lucky if I turn out -half as service-orientated and faithful as she is.
I realized in June that I can make it through just about anything with Christ on my side. I literally felt Heavenly Father carrying me through the pain of surgery and I Knew that Christ had felt every pain I had. Not only that, but I learned that I can be pretttty crafty. Just days after surgery, I was watching Netflix and planning my first bridal shower. I had the experience of being a bridesmaid and felt old as I watched one of my first best friends be married.
The importance of family became a huge focus of the month of July. Being home all summer gave me the opportunity to be close to my immediate family but also to my extended family. When we got to our Oceanside vacation, I was having tons of fun in the moment with not only my aunts and uncles but my cousins. I decided to make new memories with them instead of sitting by myself on the beach. I also experienced "wanderlust" and traveled by every type of transportation except a bus!
Looking back to August, I was grateful for all adventures I had in California. I spent so many days with family and friends. I made new friends, hung out with my good ole friends, and I was spoiled by living in the great Sunshine State. I was taught by a friend to live in the moment, by randomly going parasailing and actually enjoying shopping!
And going back to school in September, I learned that one day, you're planning for the future and suddenly the future is here. I was lost. I was confused of who I was, where I was going, and what to do about that. I struggled for purpose and I dove into the gospel to find the answers. I received many blessings and spiritually promptings that taught me to listen and trust in God. He knows the way and He will lead us if we just listen. I also learned to push my limits, physically. I found out that I love nature and being outside and testing my physical limits.
In October, I learned about the temple. The temple is an amazing place, no matter what ordinance you are participating in. I learned that I am truly a daughter of a King and that families are forever without a doubt. I watched my sister find her sweetheart and I saw what love can be. I turned 22 and felt the love from all over.
And after all the trials I've seen in my life, in November, I realized that trials come when we least expect them. And sometimes, we don't know why trials come upon us or what we need to learn from them. But I experienced my first (and hopefully ever) hospitalization due to salmonella. I watched countless friends, family members, ward members, and friends of my family serve me, pray for me, write me letters, draw me pictures, send me flowers, and write encouraging messages over social media. I conquered my fear of getting blood drawn, as every morning at 4 AM someone would come draw my blood. I conquered my fear of needles, having multiple IVs in my arm and hand. I knew, once again, that Heavenly Father can carry us through our trials if we but believe in Him.
In December, I finally felt relief as I accomplished my major goal in my 20s--to finish my undergrad. I wish I could say it was easy but there were SO MANY late nights, long cries after failed tests, and frustration over difficult assignments that I felt a huge sense of relief after my last final, after receiving my undergrad in the mail, after realizing that I'll probably never sit in a BYU class again....okay that last one was really sad. But I know that education is important without a doubt. I hope to continue with my education one day soon but my undergrad taught me a lot about who I am as a person and who I strive to be as an individual.
And in 2016, I was blessed to find and be trained in a new job, all in the month of January. It is not by chance that I found a job so "easily" and have loved every minute there. I don't know many people who can say that they love their job but I'm grateful to be in a profession where I can say that I honestly love the people I work with, the girls who inspire me, and the environment I go to [almost] every day. I have found my niche and for that, I am grateful.
And finally, February. This past month, as said previous, I've been reflecting. Thinking back to my plans for last year, I was hoping to move to Wyoming, work with my [ex]boyfriend, most likely get married, and live happily ever after. Writing that made me LAUGH OUT LOUD. My whole life, I've been planning for the future. When is the future? The future is now. Or tomorrow. Or Thursday or next week. What I'm trying to say is yes, while we should have a certain plan for the future, we never know when God is going to change our plans. When a trial is going to come out of nowhere. When a new opportunity will present itself. When that person of our dreams will show up. We just don't know. So while you should be planning for the future, plan for the present. Decide today to say, you know what, I GOT THIS. I got the good, I got the bad, I got the happy, I got the sad. I'm going to do this and I'm going to give my all. I'm going to be here in the present and I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to be happy now. That's what my playlist is all about. While, yes, there are some breakup songs, mostly it's a playlist of empowerment...of giving your all...of being done with dumb people in your life...of continuing when life gets tough...and of being happy. So, when life gets you down, you can find my playlist here.
And remember...you've got this.
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