"Life was Easy When it was Boring..."

"Now remember... Macro is BIIIG, micro is tiny, very very small. We're hopeful because we're catching this early that it's probably a micro benign tumor."

Tumor. What an ugly word. Of all the words I wanted or didn't want to hear yesterday, I assumed the word tumor would never had been spoken to me while I am supposed to be living it up in my twenties. 

I thought all my physical health problems would end with my gallbladder. I spent four long months in pain and after a quick surgery, the pain was gone. I've asked "why me" with the gallbladder trial and I can see that it was in my family history. But the fact that my pituitary gland has a benign but unknown size growth on it...that has nothing to do with family history as far as I can tell. 

My body changed after my gallbladder surgery. I can eat some food, no problem, but other food leads to pretty intense pain and a few too many trips to the bathroom. But something else changed. In October, I realized no longer had a menstrual cycle. While I knew this probably wasn't good, I mean it was KINDA nice not to have a surprise visitor every month and you better believe I saved a lot of $$, not buying tampons and pads all the time. I expected that visitor would come every month and when it didn't, I mentioned I should probably see a doctor. But I didn't have adequate health insurance in Utah. I went home twice before I mentioned more urgently that I need to see a doctor. With that, I got myself an appointment.

My original appointment was for the last day of my trip but my mom also had an appt with this same doctor so we switched appts, just in case I had to come back for a followup. When I met with the doctor, he was concerned and gave me three possible options on what was wrong. One was a syndrome called PCOS, the second: a problem with my thyroid, or the third: my brain. I quickly ruled out the brain option, prayed it wasn't a thyroid problem and hoped for PCOS. The next day, I came back for blood work and next I prayed that the results would come back in time for my appointment on Wednesday.

Meanwhile, my cousin Corey went to the temple for the first time and I had another great trip to the temple. My mom and I were both praying with related health issues and I just felt that Heavenly Father was in control and had a plan. My mom felt a lot of peace and it was a great day. I just decided to put everything out of my mind and had a really great trip with my family.

Well, I called the doctor on Tuesday and they said the results were in. I was nervous but felt pretty confident that I had "self-diagnosed" myself. After all, that happened with my gallbladder. I slept without trouble.

Wednesday came bright and early. My mom and I had back to back appointments. Of course when we showed up, the doc was running 30 minutes late. I had a book so I tried to focus on it. When the nurse brought me back, I sat in the room for about 20 minutes alone. I tried to keep my composure. I tried to focus on my book but my eyes blurred the words and I'm pretty sure my pulse was sky high when the nurse took my blood pressure. After eternity, my mom came in and two seconds later the doctor came in too. He started off saying that the blood test for my thyroid came back negative (RELIEF) but then he told me that the result for PCOS came back negative. (FEAR) He then told me that yes, the blood test came back positive for my brain. I blinked and said ok but really don't remember much more from the appointment, except from what I opened up this blog post with.

"Now remember... Macro is BIIIG, micro is tiny, very very small. We're hopeful because we're catching this early that it's probably just a micro benign tumor." 

I kept my composure as we discussed that I was leaving the state the next day and didn't have plans to come back until middle of July. He mentioned that I'd need to meet with an endocrinologist, who would probably do a CAT scan or a MRI in order to diagnose the size and what the next steps are. Luckily, he mentioned he'd rush the referral. Basically, my mom talked and I listened. The second the doctor left, I was in pretty much shock and just cried. I immediately again thought WHY ME. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just trying to live life as a graduated single girl living in Provo, UT, working full time in Orem. I'm just trying to figure out who I am and another stumbling block came in my way.

Needless to say, yesterday was not good. It's weird, when someone tells you that you have something wrong with your brain, it REALLY messes with your mind, not pun intended. I kept thinking a lot and thinking that maybe it's because I always wear a headband. My mind was my worst enemy and basically all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch and sleep. I didn't want to deal with any of the emotions, I didn't want to deal with anything.

My mom prompted me to get a blessing, which I agreed on. Around 7 last night, my grandpa came over with my dad to give me a blessing. I have to say, I was still feeling entirely pessimistic and unhappy. But the blessing I received....was amazing.

Within the first few minutes, I was told not to waste time or energy on wondering why or how--those don't need to be answered. The trials I've had will help me with future trials. I was also explicitly blessed to be completely healed and my body will return to normal, which is a direct blessing from Heavenly Father. The blessing was beautiful and perfect and everything I needed to hear.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do without the gospel in my life. I'm 22 years old and I've gone through heck and back. It seems every time I'm complacent, another trial comes which seems to be harder than the last. But, I know without a doubt that my Savior has been there for me when no one else has and that this was part of the plan I agreed to when I decided to come to Earth. I know that I was eager to come to Earth and make decisions to please Heavenly Father and return to live with Him. I don't know if I knew what would happen when I was down here but I do know that I am strong enough to take each trial with the help from Heavenly Father.

So here's what I know now. Tomorrow morning, I'll make a call to set up an appointment with an endocrinologist. I most likely have a benign growth in my pituitary gland and my prolactin hormone levels are high, which is causing me not to have a period. I have a condition that is fixable with medication, something that is inconvenient seeing as I'll have to make another trip (oh darn) to California this summer and probably something I'll have to monitor with medication for awhile. But I have faith that I'll be healed because Heavenly Father told me so. I have faith that things will turn out ok and that I'll never know the reason for yet another trial. And that's OK. I don't need to know everything because I know that Heavenly Father in His wisdom has a plan.

And I also know that life was EASY when it was boring...and I'm glad I woke up this morning.