Hard Battles

Typical conversation I have when I meet someone new in Provo...
Stranger: "So, are you a student here?"
Me: "No, I graduated from BYU in sociology."
Stranger: "Oh....so what are you doing now?"
Me: "I work at a rehab home for girl's with eating disorders."

I've begun to expect the following responses.
"Oh, I have an eating disorder...I eat too much!"
"Wow, that's gotta be hard. Is that a hard job?"
"That's a wonderful position. They need more people like you."

But the most popular one I get is...

"Oh. Wow. Thank you. My _____ (fill in the blank with a family member, friend, friend of a friend, family member's friend, neighbor's cousin's daughter, etc.) has an eating disorder."

Do we realize just how much our society centers on weight? I mean, just today, I told someone where I worked and they responded that their sister struggled with anorexia for twenty plus years. Two minutes later, she talked about how she had put on a little weight in the past couple of years and was wishing that she wasn't the size she was....the other lady agreed. I just smiled but inside, my mind was screaming WHAT!!??!

How did I come to this job? Well, here's a little background.

I remember the first time I was teased for my weight. I was in sixth grade. My "nickname" that year was little miss perfect and as I recall, my teacher would sit me by the "bad" kids, hoping I'd rub off on them. Anyway, we were comparing report card remarks and my teacher said I was becoming a well-rounded young lady. One of my best friends (and next door neighbor) replied bitterly, "Yeah, well-rounded right in the middle." The comment hurt and here, about TWELVE Years later, I remember who said it, where I was, and how it hurt.

Then, there was the first time I had a "boyfriend." I was a freshman in high school, age 14. I remember not wanting to be seen as "fat" so I refused to eat lunch in front of him. One of my dear friends commented that I should eat more or I was gonna be anorexic. I laughed it off. But I was kinda scared of that word. It was probably my earliest recollection of the word "anorexic." I remember hearing the words anorexic and bulimic and years later, I thank my lucky stars that I don't struggle with these diseases. In all honesty, sure, I could lose a couple pounds. But I'm completely confident in the body I have.


I honestly never thought I'd be working where I am now or become "passionate" about eating disorders (ED). But one day at work, a patient who found out that I'm LDS asked me if God led me to work at CFC. And I realized...He did.

I first watched a roommate struggle with an ED. Over exercising, not eating enough, and calorie counting, it was a scary cycle. She confided in me and sought on campus help. I researched more and stumbled across the center's website. I tucked it in the back of my mind, not mentioning it to her or realizing that this would spark my interest in mental health.

In the past few years, I've watched roommates, friends, and family members struggle with EDs, anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks, and depression. Each battle is different and each individual reacts differently. Sometimes, I can tell in the moment, but more often than not, I find out from the individual confiding in me MONTHS later. This is often an internal struggle and something that we as a society have made "unacceptable."

Just a couple months ago, I attended a marriage and family therapy graduate school fair and Center for Change had a booth set up, recruiting. And I knew I had found the perfect post BYU job. Working at CFC gives me the opportunity to interact with girls who struggle with eating disorders among other mental health issues. Some nights are hard. This is not an easy thing to deal with. While we each have our own trials, EDs are not something to laugh off.

There's a few things I want to stress -

1. These are some of the strongest women I have met. Yes, their bodies might seem broken but their spirits are strong. Each day, they amaze me with the strides they make. Some days are harder than others and that's OK. Relapses are common. But each day, my eyes are opened and my heart is filled with love to hear their stories. And they never fail to make me smile and laugh. 

2. EDs don't start just because of negative body image ideals. Unlike the diagnosis of the flu or common cold, one symptom does not fit all. Many EDs start based on deep rooted trauma or the need for control. And ED thoughts are often triggered by talking about food, talking about weight, talking about "oh you look so good!" etc.

3. Recovery is possible! At the center, we have many "survivors" who are care techs, dietitians and therapists. It might seem impossible and yes, it'll be ha
rd but it's completely possible to heal and change. I see it often and it brings me joy to watch the changes. It brings me hope. And if healing doesn't occur now, I know that healing is possible in the next life.

More than anything, during May (Mental Illness Awareness Month) I want to stress that mental health is just as important as physical health. While it might seem "taboo" to talk about, I feel it's important recognize that recovery and healing is more than possible and that there are so many resources to take advantage of. Healing is possible. Recovery is hard but possible.

And most of all, BE KIND. You never know the hard battles others are hiding and facing alone. The least we can do is to be kind to all those we know, meet, see, notice, and love.