Striving for Perfection

Looking into my blog-o-sphere history, about two years ago, I was feeling unsure what my future and really wanted to be remembered for something great (you can read that post here). I was turning twenty one and I was lost. I had recently come out of a traumatic relationship which ended in my significant other cheating on me. My self-esteem was low, my purpose in life was lost, and I honestly didn't know who I was. I would now label this "crisis" as my first of many "quarter life crises" to come.

Graduated at age 22

No one tells you what life's going to be like in your 20s. All of the sudden, you leave home, go to college and have to make all these huge decisions. No one tells you that society has forgotten to tell you the clear steps to take during this ambiguous time of life: [the official label is "Emerging Adulthood" but what does that mean?] how we're supposed to act, who were supposed to be, who we're supposed to be with, and oh ya, we're supposed to figure out all that when we're in our 20s. In my younger years, I was taught in countless young women lessons, family traditions, and watching the paths of others to go to BYU, find the one, and become a perfect little housewife. I yearned for that goal and assumed it would happen to me like everyone else. 

I obviously wasn't prepared for how my "real life" has turned out.

This morning, I looked through all the articles and videos that I "save" on Facebook. I stumbled upon one called "Hope Works" through mormon.org. The first video is one by a Tiffany Webster called "The Perfect Lie." She talks about how when she was in Sunday School, her teacher asked the question "where do you see yourself in 15 years?" As she listed the place that she saw herself, I realized that's the place I want to be when I was younger. "Graduated from college, married to the man of my dreams. We'll go backpacking Europe the summer before we have five kids, each spread out two years apart. I'll wake up at five AM, work out for an hour. I'll read my scriptures for thirty minutes, the kids will wake up, and we'll have family prayer before my husband goes off to work..." You get the picture, it's the perfect life. But as Tiffany goes on to explain, that is not how her life turned out. 

I totally get what Tiffany is saying in this video. My life has not turned out to perfect in any sense of the word. But then again maybe that's what life IS all about. The twists and the turns, the curveballs, the trials. The celebrations and milestones. The tragedies and blessings. I mean that's what we agreed upon, during the war in heaven. We were eager to follow our Father in Heaven, while we knew that life would be hard. We knew we'd have a Savior and that we could follow His example and become like him after this life. But, as Tiffany says, "my entire life, I've been taught to be perfect. So how could I try any harder?"

All that being said, why did no one tell me that it's normal to have these "quarter life crises" at age 23? Why did no one tell me that my twenties would be challenging but also the most exciting times of my life? Why did no one tell me that it's okay not to be perfect?

I've had my share of struggles these past two weeks. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't "happy-go-lucky" Megan on my birthday, after my amazing trip to Boston that everyone was dying to hear all about, when I returned back to my job that I love and missed, and why, instead, I just felt tears coming.

Instead of turning to everyone like I normally do (which I still did on some nights), I turned to my Savior. I prayed harder than I can remember, sometimes with tears streaming down my face, sometimes unable to get words out, composing myself, and then losing it again. But I knew during those moments that He was listening. He knew every pain I was feeling, every worry I had, and every discouragement that Satan tells me. I received a blessing that told me that the Savior knows everything I'm feeling. He's been through it all, so now you need to turn to Him. I went to church and got another answer through a poem someone shared over the pulpit, ending with 

"No matter what we go through, When we feel we can’t take more Just stop and think about Jesus Christ, He’s been there before!" 

I talked to a friend, who assured me my prayers would be answered. I went to a FHE where the spiritual thought was exactly what I needed to hear. The next day, I served in the temple and got to spend some minutes alone in the celestial room, where I received comfort. I went to institute where I took copious notes because I couldn't get enough of what the teacher [& the Spirit] was trying to teach me. And then I went to work, where I served a patient because of her inability to see. I talked to her, gained her trust, and even read the questions for her test. 

I've been known to be a pretty positive person and I've been known to live life each day to the fullest. This is not always me. I have days where I'm not strong, happy, nor positive. I have days where I feel like giving up. But why stay that way? While the past two weeks have been hard and I still don't exactly know why there were so hard, I feel blessed. I've been taught by the Greatest Teacher. Instead of the education that Tiffany gives (Me+More=Christlike), she learns that Me + Chirst = More. 

I'm not perfect. I cannot strive for perfection like the "perfect lie" we've been taught from our childhood. It's okay to struggle. It's okay to have days where you feel down. It's okay to take a break from life and watch some netflix to destress. It's okay to strive for perfection but we must remember that is not something we will reach in this life. We must remember our Savior is always there for us, on good and bad days. He gave His life to be the ultimate Comforter, Healer, and Helper. We need His help more than we ever know and I'm grateful that I was taught this through answers to prayers.

Six Lessons Learned During My 22nd Year

Today I looked down at my temple schedule and realized that it's September 20th. Which means my birthday is in ONE MONTH and I will no longer be singing TSwizzle's song 22. I don't find this too sad because I've accidentally been telling people I'm 23 for the last month and according to my mother "it's too early to be lying about your age." Oops.

So, yeah! I'm turning 23 in one month. I realize that age is nothing but a number and I'm really not that old. I haven't been on Earth for every a quarter of century yet!!! But this past year has taught me a lot and I wanted to share that with you, reader of my blog.


1. Always cook your chicken thoroughly. 

Hospital Day One vs. Hospital Day Three

I'm a big believer in sharing food so when I joined a dinner group last year, I was pretty psyched. It was a fun way to get together and eat good food before we all went our own ways to do homework. Until one fateful night when my friend cooked shish kabobs. Being starved, I ate two big bites of chicken that were a bit chewy than normal. I realized it wasn't cook thoroughly but the damage was done. Two days later, I got so sick with a fever, throwing up, chills...it was bad. My nursing roommate took me to urgent care where I had "the flu." HA. Next day, I went to the ER and was admitted to the hospital for the first time in my life. I had a lot of visitors, which was nice. It's time like this that you know who your real friends are, as I had one friend spend the night SITTING in a chair that we didn't know reclined, haha.  Well, three days later, the doc and I vowed we'd never eat cookie dough ever again because I had salmonella! So yes, I'm the one case of salmonella you'll probably ever meet, but now you can scare your children not to eat cookie dough because salmonella is death.

2. Addictions are real.

I've known this all my life but never did I know this more than I do know. Within a matter of days after the new year, I was offered my first "real" job as a psych tech at Center for Change, a rehab home for girls with eating disorders. It's been a roller coaster of emotions, working at a place that can be so challenging but oh so rewarding. I've shared lots of tears and lots of laughs at that place.

the ever popular "feet selfie" from work

And then, when I moved into a new ward, I was asked to be the Addiction Recovery Sunday School teacher. I was told that a lot of ward members attended the close because it focused on the Atonement. Talk about feeling overwhelmed and unqualified!! But in the past seven months, I have learned a lot about addictions and mental health and eating disorders and daily struggles. I have seen people easily "hide" their problems and I've gotten really good at recognizing when people are struggling. My heart breaks when I watch those I love struggle but I also know that there is light at the end of the tunnel through many, many resources: therapy, medications, support groups, coping skills, and religion--mainly the Atonement. I'm a big believer that trials make us stronger. Addictions are real and we all struggle with one thing or another.



3. Go see a doctor if your body isn't working "normally."

right after I found out my tumor was small

For about 5 months after graduating from BYU and not having the handy dandy health center up the corner, I casually told my mom I should probably see a doctor as my body wasn't being "normal." After being a little more firm, I came home and saw a doctor only to find out that I had a small tumor in my pituitary gland that was producing so much prolactin that my body thought I was pregnant. The thoughts that go through your mind when you have a tumor...it was a pretty scary time.

After an MRI, I was lucky and blessed to find out that it was small tumor and treatable with medication. I am now a pro at doing blood work and the phlebotomist in Cali got to know me and my horrible veins pretty well. I learned our bodies are pretty cool and can tell us when something is wrong. Even though I still dislike doctors, GO SEE A DOC if something is wrong, please? Ok, thanks, glad we had this talk. :)

4. When something isn't going right in your life, go to the temple. The temple brings peace.

If we want to get technical, I went through the temple for the first time when I was 21...but two days later, I turned 22. So I'm counting it. Anyway. I. Love. The. Temple. I remember during my interview with the stake president, he asked what I was doing to prepare to go through the temple, as I wasn't getting married or going on a mission. I sat there and said...well I go weekly right now... He smiled and said never let that change.

10.18.15 

The days leading up to me attending the temple for the first time were some of the hardest in my temple. Satan kept trying to remind me of all my mistakes and sins and why I was unworthy to attend. It wasn't like it was a bad week, but finally getting on that flight to go home, I felt so much peace. The day I attended the temple was one of the most peaceful in my life. To be honest, I didn't remember a lot, I only remember the peace and the happiness.

Since being endowed, I have attended the temple (almost) every week and now I get to attend every week as I am a temple worker. I cannot begin to list the blessings that have come from the temple, as a patron or a worker. The temple is the house of God. Every time I attend, regardless of what's going on in my life, the peace and quiet I feel is so real and relaxes my mind.

5. Nature is all around us and can provide peace.

Megan, Party of One, Hiking

Growing up in SoCal, I was at the beach ALL THE TIME. But in Valencia, we don't have mountains. We don't go outside during the summer unless we're headed to the pool or beach. And having lived in Utah for five years now, I realize that nature is all around me. I mean, I always knew that but now I realize how much peace I get from a drive in Provo Canyon or hiking a mountain or going outside for a run at night. I love to hike and I love to see the beauty from nature. Fall is starting and I just can't wait for all the beauty that I can explore! But being in nature, disconnected from the world brings serious peace. During summer, we vacationed at Sequoia and had little to no wifi and absolutely no service at times. It. Was. Great.  We really spent time with each other and had a marvelous time taking in beautiful sights and sounds of Sequoia. When you feel like your life is chaotic, unplug and visit the mountains. It brings so much peace!

6. Live your life as authentically as possible. 

I started this blog post (and this motto) in my mind about a month ago. I was unhappy with life. I felt disconnected and I didn't know why. I was so frustrated. I started reading a book called The Voice of Knowledge "A Guide to Inner Peace" and it honestly changed my life. The book talks about how we each are telling our own story. We're in charge of creating it and we're in charge of taking control. But then we have other people in our lives who are trying to tell their own story and sometimes it doesn't agree with our story. Or people have perceptions of us that doesn't agree with how we see ourselves. Or we have this voice in our head that tells us you're not good enough, you'll never be as thin as you want, you're not even funny.

"This is real, this is me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be"

I was feeling all these things. I was feeling like no one really knew the real me. And then it clicked. No one CAN know the real me because they only see a perception of me. And if people have thoughts about me that aren't true to my story, THAT'S OK because I know my story and no one else knows it. It's all about being authentic! Live in the moment. Create those moments. Be comfortable in your own skin. It's made all the difference.

One thing that this book talked about that really struck me is that you will always be with yourself for the rest of your life. You will never be "truly alone" so start liking yourself! I take myself out on "dates" all the time and sit there in Yogurtland by myself and I enjoy it! I go on hikes by myself because being alone with myself is relaxing. I go for runs because my body enjoys it and it refreshes my mind.

Since August 27th, I have been living my life as authentically as possible and I'm amazed with the changes I've seen. I met people in my ward and when they laugh at something I say, my mind goes, "See? I told you! You're funny! People like you!" I love going to work because I feel in my element. I can joke around with patients when they want me to but I can also be serious and help when they need it. I can stand in front of a church class full of my peers and teach because the voice of knowledge is quiet. It's no longer telling me negative things. I go for a run and do yoga and meditate because that's the real me. It took me twenty two years to figure out who I am but life is now so exciting Life is way better to take the challenges and changes and chances authentically as possible and not regretting it. In the past 24 days that I've been truly authentic, I cannot think of one instant that I have regretted and that is amazing.

So there you have it, folks. Six major things I've learned. But as with the tagline of this blog, I'm still learning. I'm not perfect. I'm learning every day, making mistakes and loving every minute!

"Life was Easy When it was Boring..."

"Now remember... Macro is BIIIG, micro is tiny, very very small. We're hopeful because we're catching this early that it's probably a micro benign tumor."

Tumor. What an ugly word. Of all the words I wanted or didn't want to hear yesterday, I assumed the word tumor would never had been spoken to me while I am supposed to be living it up in my twenties. 

I thought all my physical health problems would end with my gallbladder. I spent four long months in pain and after a quick surgery, the pain was gone. I've asked "why me" with the gallbladder trial and I can see that it was in my family history. But the fact that my pituitary gland has a benign but unknown size growth on it...that has nothing to do with family history as far as I can tell. 

My body changed after my gallbladder surgery. I can eat some food, no problem, but other food leads to pretty intense pain and a few too many trips to the bathroom. But something else changed. In October, I realized no longer had a menstrual cycle. While I knew this probably wasn't good, I mean it was KINDA nice not to have a surprise visitor every month and you better believe I saved a lot of $$, not buying tampons and pads all the time. I expected that visitor would come every month and when it didn't, I mentioned I should probably see a doctor. But I didn't have adequate health insurance in Utah. I went home twice before I mentioned more urgently that I need to see a doctor. With that, I got myself an appointment.

My original appointment was for the last day of my trip but my mom also had an appt with this same doctor so we switched appts, just in case I had to come back for a followup. When I met with the doctor, he was concerned and gave me three possible options on what was wrong. One was a syndrome called PCOS, the second: a problem with my thyroid, or the third: my brain. I quickly ruled out the brain option, prayed it wasn't a thyroid problem and hoped for PCOS. The next day, I came back for blood work and next I prayed that the results would come back in time for my appointment on Wednesday.

Meanwhile, my cousin Corey went to the temple for the first time and I had another great trip to the temple. My mom and I were both praying with related health issues and I just felt that Heavenly Father was in control and had a plan. My mom felt a lot of peace and it was a great day. I just decided to put everything out of my mind and had a really great trip with my family.

Well, I called the doctor on Tuesday and they said the results were in. I was nervous but felt pretty confident that I had "self-diagnosed" myself. After all, that happened with my gallbladder. I slept without trouble.

Wednesday came bright and early. My mom and I had back to back appointments. Of course when we showed up, the doc was running 30 minutes late. I had a book so I tried to focus on it. When the nurse brought me back, I sat in the room for about 20 minutes alone. I tried to keep my composure. I tried to focus on my book but my eyes blurred the words and I'm pretty sure my pulse was sky high when the nurse took my blood pressure. After eternity, my mom came in and two seconds later the doctor came in too. He started off saying that the blood test for my thyroid came back negative (RELIEF) but then he told me that the result for PCOS came back negative. (FEAR) He then told me that yes, the blood test came back positive for my brain. I blinked and said ok but really don't remember much more from the appointment, except from what I opened up this blog post with.

"Now remember... Macro is BIIIG, micro is tiny, very very small. We're hopeful because we're catching this early that it's probably just a micro benign tumor." 

I kept my composure as we discussed that I was leaving the state the next day and didn't have plans to come back until middle of July. He mentioned that I'd need to meet with an endocrinologist, who would probably do a CAT scan or a MRI in order to diagnose the size and what the next steps are. Luckily, he mentioned he'd rush the referral. Basically, my mom talked and I listened. The second the doctor left, I was in pretty much shock and just cried. I immediately again thought WHY ME. I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just trying to live life as a graduated single girl living in Provo, UT, working full time in Orem. I'm just trying to figure out who I am and another stumbling block came in my way.

Needless to say, yesterday was not good. It's weird, when someone tells you that you have something wrong with your brain, it REALLY messes with your mind, not pun intended. I kept thinking a lot and thinking that maybe it's because I always wear a headband. My mind was my worst enemy and basically all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch and sleep. I didn't want to deal with any of the emotions, I didn't want to deal with anything.

My mom prompted me to get a blessing, which I agreed on. Around 7 last night, my grandpa came over with my dad to give me a blessing. I have to say, I was still feeling entirely pessimistic and unhappy. But the blessing I received....was amazing.

Within the first few minutes, I was told not to waste time or energy on wondering why or how--those don't need to be answered. The trials I've had will help me with future trials. I was also explicitly blessed to be completely healed and my body will return to normal, which is a direct blessing from Heavenly Father. The blessing was beautiful and perfect and everything I needed to hear.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do without the gospel in my life. I'm 22 years old and I've gone through heck and back. It seems every time I'm complacent, another trial comes which seems to be harder than the last. But, I know without a doubt that my Savior has been there for me when no one else has and that this was part of the plan I agreed to when I decided to come to Earth. I know that I was eager to come to Earth and make decisions to please Heavenly Father and return to live with Him. I don't know if I knew what would happen when I was down here but I do know that I am strong enough to take each trial with the help from Heavenly Father.

So here's what I know now. Tomorrow morning, I'll make a call to set up an appointment with an endocrinologist. I most likely have a benign growth in my pituitary gland and my prolactin hormone levels are high, which is causing me not to have a period. I have a condition that is fixable with medication, something that is inconvenient seeing as I'll have to make another trip (oh darn) to California this summer and probably something I'll have to monitor with medication for awhile. But I have faith that I'll be healed because Heavenly Father told me so. I have faith that things will turn out ok and that I'll never know the reason for yet another trial. And that's OK. I don't need to know everything because I know that Heavenly Father in His wisdom has a plan.

And I also know that life was EASY when it was boring...and I'm glad I woke up this morning.

Hard Battles

Typical conversation I have when I meet someone new in Provo...
Stranger: "So, are you a student here?"
Me: "No, I graduated from BYU in sociology."
Stranger: "Oh....so what are you doing now?"
Me: "I work at a rehab home for girl's with eating disorders."

I've begun to expect the following responses.
"Oh, I have an eating disorder...I eat too much!"
"Wow, that's gotta be hard. Is that a hard job?"
"That's a wonderful position. They need more people like you."

But the most popular one I get is...

"Oh. Wow. Thank you. My _____ (fill in the blank with a family member, friend, friend of a friend, family member's friend, neighbor's cousin's daughter, etc.) has an eating disorder."

Do we realize just how much our society centers on weight? I mean, just today, I told someone where I worked and they responded that their sister struggled with anorexia for twenty plus years. Two minutes later, she talked about how she had put on a little weight in the past couple of years and was wishing that she wasn't the size she was....the other lady agreed. I just smiled but inside, my mind was screaming WHAT!!??!

How did I come to this job? Well, here's a little background.

I remember the first time I was teased for my weight. I was in sixth grade. My "nickname" that year was little miss perfect and as I recall, my teacher would sit me by the "bad" kids, hoping I'd rub off on them. Anyway, we were comparing report card remarks and my teacher said I was becoming a well-rounded young lady. One of my best friends (and next door neighbor) replied bitterly, "Yeah, well-rounded right in the middle." The comment hurt and here, about TWELVE Years later, I remember who said it, where I was, and how it hurt.

Then, there was the first time I had a "boyfriend." I was a freshman in high school, age 14. I remember not wanting to be seen as "fat" so I refused to eat lunch in front of him. One of my dear friends commented that I should eat more or I was gonna be anorexic. I laughed it off. But I was kinda scared of that word. It was probably my earliest recollection of the word "anorexic." I remember hearing the words anorexic and bulimic and years later, I thank my lucky stars that I don't struggle with these diseases. In all honesty, sure, I could lose a couple pounds. But I'm completely confident in the body I have.


I honestly never thought I'd be working where I am now or become "passionate" about eating disorders (ED). But one day at work, a patient who found out that I'm LDS asked me if God led me to work at CFC. And I realized...He did.

I first watched a roommate struggle with an ED. Over exercising, not eating enough, and calorie counting, it was a scary cycle. She confided in me and sought on campus help. I researched more and stumbled across the center's website. I tucked it in the back of my mind, not mentioning it to her or realizing that this would spark my interest in mental health.

In the past few years, I've watched roommates, friends, and family members struggle with EDs, anxiety, insomnia, panic attacks, and depression. Each battle is different and each individual reacts differently. Sometimes, I can tell in the moment, but more often than not, I find out from the individual confiding in me MONTHS later. This is often an internal struggle and something that we as a society have made "unacceptable."

Just a couple months ago, I attended a marriage and family therapy graduate school fair and Center for Change had a booth set up, recruiting. And I knew I had found the perfect post BYU job. Working at CFC gives me the opportunity to interact with girls who struggle with eating disorders among other mental health issues. Some nights are hard. This is not an easy thing to deal with. While we each have our own trials, EDs are not something to laugh off.

There's a few things I want to stress -

1. These are some of the strongest women I have met. Yes, their bodies might seem broken but their spirits are strong. Each day, they amaze me with the strides they make. Some days are harder than others and that's OK. Relapses are common. But each day, my eyes are opened and my heart is filled with love to hear their stories. And they never fail to make me smile and laugh. 

2. EDs don't start just because of negative body image ideals. Unlike the diagnosis of the flu or common cold, one symptom does not fit all. Many EDs start based on deep rooted trauma or the need for control. And ED thoughts are often triggered by talking about food, talking about weight, talking about "oh you look so good!" etc.

3. Recovery is possible! At the center, we have many "survivors" who are care techs, dietitians and therapists. It might seem impossible and yes, it'll be ha
rd but it's completely possible to heal and change. I see it often and it brings me joy to watch the changes. It brings me hope. And if healing doesn't occur now, I know that healing is possible in the next life.

More than anything, during May (Mental Illness Awareness Month) I want to stress that mental health is just as important as physical health. While it might seem "taboo" to talk about, I feel it's important recognize that recovery and healing is more than possible and that there are so many resources to take advantage of. Healing is possible. Recovery is hard but possible.

And most of all, BE KIND. You never know the hard battles others are hiding and facing alone. The least we can do is to be kind to all those we know, meet, see, notice, and love.

"I've Got This"

So, a year ago, I created a Spotify playlist called "I've Got This." Browsing through that playlist, you'll find songs like "Since U Been Gone"...."Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You)"..."Mama's Broken Heart"..."Diva"..."DONE."...and similar songs. What do all these songs have in common? They are songs that got me through one of the hardest months of my life to date.

I'm blessed with the ability to have perspective but I'm cursed with the ability to look back...on the exact dates. So, I knew these coming weeks and days might be hard (if you're new to my blog, welcome! Now go read these two posts so you have an idea of what I'm referring to). I tried to distract myself a week before March 1st when I had the first breakdown I've had in awhile. The next day proved just as hard. I reminded myself of this playlist and it's been blasting in my car, in my room, during my showers...basically non stop. This playlist gave me courage a year ago and today, I've been looking back on the past year of my life.

When my life flipped upside down, I was struggling to find purpose. I knew that God was testing me and looking back, I'm oh so glad He did. Finding myself back to the single life was hard enough but finding out I should probably go back to California for the summer and having SURGERY? That was too much. I mean, at least I didn't get mono (haha, such a funny story), but I was mad. I wasn't doing anything wrong and everything just fell apart.

So what do you do when everything falls apart? You take a good hard look at yourself and figure out what's important, who you are, and how you're going to live your life. You essentially breakaway from old habits, who you thought you were and let go of previous notions. lemme tell ya... IT'S SCARY. I've been in a car accident, been cheated on, heartbroken, had my gallbladder out, been hospitalized from salmonella and I'd rather take one of those challenges than watch my life fall apart again. In less than six words (ie, "I think we should breakup" && "it's not you, it's me"), everything I knew, planned for, and hoped for changed and I was left jaw dropped and speechless.

Can I just say...looking back, it's been one of the 

most rewarding years of my life.

March 2015, I learned about courage. I faced some of my biggest fears, looked them right in the face and didn't back down. I woke up every morning before 7 a.m. and tried a new "skill," Zumba. I threw my life into exercising and feeling good in the midst of gallbladder attacks and a broken heart.

In April, I learned how to make hard decisions with Heavenly Father's help. I prayed harder in my life for Him to take my pain away. I prayed and cried and wondered why me. But I never stopped trusting. I acted on faith and God answered my prayers by giving me experiences to help those who needed it and showing me the way. I made the decision to head home for a possible gallbladder surgery.

By May, I learned that my mom is my hero. I knew she did a lot for me and my family but I watched her selflessly serve everyone around her. I already knew that she was a pretty amazing person but I now know that I'll be lucky if I turn out -half as service-orientated and faithful as she is.

I realized in June that I can make it through just about anything with Christ on my side. I literally felt Heavenly Father carrying me through the pain of surgery and I Knew that Christ had felt every pain I had. Not only that, but I learned that I can be pretttty crafty. Just days after surgery, I was watching Netflix and planning my first bridal shower. I had the experience of being a bridesmaid and felt old as I watched one of my first best friends be married.

The importance of family became a huge focus of the month of July. Being home all summer gave me the opportunity to be close to my immediate family but also to my extended family. When we got to our Oceanside vacation, I was having tons of fun in the moment with not only my aunts and uncles but my cousins. I decided to make new memories with them instead of sitting by myself on the beach. I also experienced "wanderlust" and traveled by every type of transportation except a bus!

Looking back to August, I was grateful for all adventures I had in California. I spent so many days with family and friends. I made new friends, hung out with my good ole friends, and I was spoiled by living in the great Sunshine State. I was taught by a friend to live in the moment, by randomly going parasailing and actually enjoying shopping!

And going back to school in September, I learned that one day, you're planning for the future and suddenly the future is here. I was lost. I was confused of who I was, where I was going, and what to do about that. I struggled for purpose and I dove into the gospel to find the answers. I received many blessings and spiritually promptings that taught me to listen and trust in God. He knows the way and He will lead us if we just listen. I also learned to push my limits, physically. I found out that I love nature and being outside and testing my physical limits.

In October, I learned about the temple. The temple is an amazing place, no matter what ordinance you are participating in. I learned that I am truly a daughter of a King and that families are forever without a doubt. I watched my sister find her sweetheart and I saw what love can be. I turned 22 and felt the love from all over. 

And after all the trials I've seen in my life, in November, I realized that trials come when we least expect them. And sometimes, we don't know why trials come upon us or what we need to learn from them. But I experienced my first (and hopefully ever) hospitalization due to salmonella. I watched countless friends, family members, ward members, and friends of my family serve me, pray for me, write me letters, draw me pictures, send me flowers, and write encouraging messages over social media. I conquered my fear of getting blood drawn, as every morning at 4 AM someone would come draw my blood.  I conquered my fear of needles, having multiple IVs in my arm and hand. I knew, once again, that Heavenly Father can carry us through our trials if we but believe in Him.

In December, I finally felt relief as I accomplished my major goal in my 20s--to finish my undergrad. I wish I could say it was easy but there were SO MANY late nights, long cries after failed tests, and frustration over difficult assignments that I felt a huge sense of relief after my last final, after receiving my undergrad in the mail, after realizing that I'll probably never sit in a BYU class again....okay that last one was really sad. But I know that education is important without a doubt. I hope to continue with my education one day soon but my undergrad taught me a lot about who I am as a person and who I strive to be as an individual.

And in 2016, I was blessed to find and be trained in a new job, all in the month of January. It is not by chance that I found a job so "easily" and have loved every minute there. I don't know many people who can say that they love their job but I'm grateful to be in a profession where I can say that I honestly love the people I work with, the girls who inspire me, and the environment I go to [almost] every day. I have found my niche and for that, I am grateful.

And finally, February. This past month, as said previous, I've been reflecting.  Thinking back to my plans for last year, I was hoping to move to Wyoming, work with my [ex]boyfriend, most likely get married, and live happily ever after. Writing that made me LAUGH OUT LOUD. My whole life, I've been planning for the future. When is the future? The future is now. Or tomorrow. Or Thursday or next week. What I'm trying to say is yes, while we should have a certain plan for the future, we never know when God is going to change our plans. When a trial is going to come out of nowhere. When a new opportunity will present itself. When that person of our dreams will show up. We just don't know. So while you should be planning for the future, plan for the present. Decide today to say, you know what, I GOT THIS. I got the good, I got the bad, I got the happy, I got the sad. I'm going to do this and I'm going to give my all. I'm going to be here in the present and I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to be happy now. That's what my playlist is all about. While, yes, there are some breakup songs, mostly it's a playlist of empowerment...of giving your all...of being done with dumb people in your life...of continuing when life gets tough...and of being happy. So, when life gets you down, you can find my playlist here. 

And remember...you've got this.

Three Years and Counting...

Not gonna lie. As I sit here tonight, I am emotional drained. My head is pounding from some lack of sleep but also because my emotional capacity is filled. But January 27th is an important milestone in my life so I had to write tonight. It marks the first time I really dealt with a trial, when I had to humble myself, trust in God, use the enabling power of the Atonement, and discovered that Christ is ALWAYS there for you and me.

I wrote my last college essay on the experience I had 3 years ago today. Here's part of the essay to understand what happened and how I now deal with hard times when they come my way.

Castlewood Canyon, Colorado

    In January 2013, I was bored at BYU during my sophomore year of college.  This boredom caused me to plan a weekend trip to Colorado with three of friends. The trip was amazing—we explored the great outdoors, saw the sights of Colorado Springs, and felt so carefree for a mere 48 hours. We decided to drive back to Provo through dreary Wyoming. 
    Suddenly, the car jerked.  All sound stopped. I didn't hear anything after the screeching of tires, the screech that leaves behind black hideous marks on the freeway. It all went silent.  But with wide eyes, I remember my body turning twice. Rolling. Legs on the ceiling of the car. The car on its side. The car starting to roll once more. Trying to brace myself. Trying to get it to stop. Trying....to hold onto anything. The car stopped with a jolt.  The first sounds I hear again were hysterical cries "Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."  Another voice, "is everyone okay?"  Then I hear deep, shallow breathing.  The breaths are trying to bring in deep gulps of air but for some reason, the lungs couldn't fill up.  It is so loud.  I want them to stop.  Then I realize it’s me. My tears start while my breathing continues.  I can’t get sounds or words out.  My friend is in my face, pulling on my hair, saying, "She's in shock. Megan, focus. You're okay." His hands are in my face again and I realize he's pulling glass out of my hair and away from my eyes. Then, a face in the window. I don't remember the window being rolled down and that's when I realize it's smashed, the glass all over me. The face in window asks again, "Is everyone ok?"  I look at her blankly. A voice answers for me, "We’re all fine except for her. We need to call an ambulance."
    That's when reality snaps. No. I try again to speak, louder. Nothing comes out. I practically scream “NO” and my friend looks at me. He again moves closer and asks if I can move my feet and my toes.  I nod.  He says that we need to call my parents after the ambulance is called.  I start to cry.  He immediately moves to the middle seat, holds my hand, and comforts me as if I'm a child who awoke from a nightmare. But this isn't a nightmare and my mind is racing. My thoughts go to the worst little word that can destroy you. Why? Why me?

    I calm down.  Breathing hurts but I can breathe.  My parents are called.  I cry more.  They promise to fly if anything serious happens at the hospital. I calmly tell my friend that I won't get in their ambulance unless someone promises that he'll come.  The paramedics arrive, another face in the window.  I firmly as possible inform them that I won’t go to the hospital unless he comes.  They aren't listening to me. I practically scream “I. Will. Not. Go. With. You. Unless. He. Comes.”  They agree, while the jaws of life are used to open the door.  The plastic hard stretcher comes in the car. A paramedic puts a neck brace on me.  I'm cold.  It's windy.  And I don't have shoes on.  I'm lifted into the ambulance.  I can't see anything.  I just see faces of paramedics who look concerned.  There's a tickling in my nose.  It’s an oxygen line. Forty long eternal minutes later, we’re at the hospital. My first time in a hospital...alone...without my family, in the middle of Wyoming.
   After another eternal few hours, I was discharged from the emergency room with no broken bones. I thought I was fine, until I walked.  Every step sent shooting pains through my back and neck. We checked into a Motel 6 and everyone stares at me as I am helped in bed.  I feel like screaming.  I can't stand their gazes.  I just want everything to be normal.  We stayed overnight in Wyoming and I had the first of many sleepless nights to come, unable to get comfortable and stay asleep.
    Back in Utah, I visited a chiropractor who informs me that I have torn ligaments in my neck and the alignment of my back is way off track. Physical therapy, painful massages, and electric treatment to get the alignment of my spine back to normal is the course of action. The days ahead are the most painful of my life.

It shocks me that this was three years ago and yet I remember everything like it was yesterday. I mean, my back and neck daily remind me that this happened. But I'm grateful for the pain. It's a constant reminder that I can make it through anything and that Christ knows me personally. He was there for me on sleepless nights, on hard physical therapy days and during moments when I had to humble myself in order to ask for His help. More than that, I'm grateful for this trial. It's made the hardest times in my life a little bit easier and I always know what to do when trials hit. It wasn't a bad luck, a freak accident. It was part of my life story and I know that now more than ever.

Trials are going to come, whether we like it or not. That's part of life. That's part of being human. But what we can decide is how we act. Do we lose hope and give up? Or do we trust that God is in control and has a better plan? Do We lean on Christ and Keep our faith? You will decide. And it will make all the difference.

Never Losing Faith: How This Year is Better than 2015

Two weeks ago, I was packing up my room at home, heading back up to cold, frost bitten Utah. At that time, I'm not going to lie--I wasn't excited at all. Instead, I was frustrated that I wasn't packing up to head to beautiful FIJI, my dream destination. Little did I know that Heavenly Father always knows what's better for me.

Back tracking to Summer 2015. I was home and desperately wanting to live my dream of going to Help International and living in Fiji. I researched as much as I could and even convinced my parents to let me go for a graduation gift starting February 2016. They agreed and I was ecstatic! When I was moving into my apartment in August, I didn't do a ton of decorating like I normally do because I assumed I'd only be here for a semester. I remember when my mom was helping me move in, she took a bag full of t-shirts home so I could wear them specifically in Fiji. However, in September, I was sitting in the temple and suddenly knew that I shouldn't go to Fiji. I didn't know why and honestly, I didn't want to believe that was the answer I was getting. But every time during that hour I thought about Fiji, my heart would race and I felt anxious. I thought maybe I was nervous....but I knew. I knew it was my answer not to go to Fiji. A few weeks later, in a blessing from my brother-in-law, I was told that should I apply to graduate school, I would get into the school I needed to go to. I sighed internally. No Fiji and now graduate school? Graduate school has been on the back burner of my life for the past two years, knowing I should go and not wanting to apply to school AGAIN, feeling burnt out....etc. etc. etc. I told myself I'd look into things next semester but was honestly lost on where to go.


Then, I was led to where I needed to be. I was walking out of my first class on a Wednesday during October and went out a different way than normal. A computer screen caught my eye. "MFT GRADUATE SCHOOL FAIR, FRIDAY, WILK GARDEN COURT." Heavenly Father led to me a Marriage and Family Therapy Graduate School Fair, because I hardly ever walk out that way, never mind looking around the building. I went, thinking I'd come back with a few graduate schools in mind. However, I was more drawn to two booths talking about residential treatment centers. I took down information and was excited for the possibility of jobs! (Especially after checking out my bank account....lol!) In November, Center for Change had a job opportunity open! I started filling out the application and was ready to submit it, except I had a few questions left to answer. The day I decided to finish the application, I woke up extremely sick and if you follow me on Facebook or Instagram, you know what happened next. I ended up in the hospital with salmonella and the job closed by the time I was better and thinking about jobs again. I was crushed!

However, a week or so after getting out of the hospital, I had two job interviews for two other residential treatment centers!! My hopes soared just like my nerves. I had never had a "real interview," and I was so so so nervous. I went to both interviews and so badly wanted the jobs but had no luck. I went home for Christmas break extremely nervous for what my future held. My prayers turned into a lot of pleading but "Thy Will Be Done" endings. I always felt at peace about things but I was scared out of my mind to go back to Provo. Well, that's not true. I was scared for the week AFTER my family left. I was looking forward to hanging with the family and actually enjoying a "winter break."

A few days after Christmas, I looked at Center For Change's website and there it was, the job I wanted was open once again! I quickly fill out the application and sent it in that night! The NEXT morning, I got a phone call and I couldn't contain my excitement. But then the worry of being in California came into play. But, again, Heavenly Father was looking out for me. The interviews were going to finished the Tuesday I would be back in Utah. I took the opportunity and headed to the interview more nervous than ever, knowing how badly I wanted this opportunity. The first interview went well, it felt more like a conversation than anything. I got a second interview and the next day, I returned back for a quick, fast paced interview and I left praying that I would receive a job offer.

My family and I headed up to the Salt Lake Temple the next day and I knew my phone would be off for a good couple hours. As I was sitting in the celestial room, I was praying so hard. I knew God had a plan for me. I was willing to take those steps into the darkness to be shown the light. I was willing to put the work in if He just showed me what He needed me to do. After the end of my prayers, I felt really good. I imagined the scene in my mind--stepping out of the temple, turning on my phone and seeing a voicemail. Well, that scene became REALITY. 10 minutes later, I called back and was offered the job!

Pretty good story, right? Seems like everything is going pretty good in my life right now. So far, 2016 is starting off really well for me. But I have to take a second to admire my hardships of 2015. My health took a turn for the worst a year ago almost today. My heart was broken two months into the year. I left my Provo home to get my gallbladder out. I had some pretty lonely days and some extremely hard times. I had a rough fall semester full of fear of what to do and what the future held for me. But one thing never changed. I can honestly say I never lost my faith. I had nights where I questioned what I was doing or why this was happening to me. But I prayed. I attended the temple. I read my scriptures and conference talks. I went to church and actually paid attention. I'm not saying I was perfect but I did all I could.

What I really learned in 2015 is Heavenly Father is always there for you and me and us and we. That never changes. No matter how many trials we go through. No matter how many times our hearts are broken. Jesus Christ is the ultimate Healer and He knows all that we go through. He has felt every pain, every devastating moment, every lonely moment.  He is there for us when no one else is. He is the first person we should turn to.

Heavenly Father has a plan for each and every one of us. At times, it's so very hard to see that. It's hard to take those initial steps in the darkness, always praying and asking is this what I need to do? Heavenly Father knows. He knows that life isn't easy. But He is always there, waiting to show us the way. We just need to be willing to follow Him and promise to never lose our faith in His plan.