Calling for a Return to the Basics

Well, I'm finally blowing off the dust from my computer and decided to write again.

July is almost over. Where did the time go? I've had an AMAZING month, with two back to back vacations. First, a cruise with my best friend Alex to Mexico, Belize, Honduras, and Cayman Islands (just in case you didn't know, or you don't follow me religiously on Facebook/Instagram). Second, a super fun family reunion in Park City with 32 of us living in one three story house. Insanity? Oh yes. But like previous years, we made memories that will last a lifetime, including alpine slides, Seven Peaks, amazing food, and a Park City picture scavenger hunt. It was a great time!

So after this fun month, I realized that I haven't been myself lately. And why not? I have been having the time of my life and the fun never seems to stop. I am blessed with great health, family, friends, and really, my ever need is covered. I didn't notice it until recently that I'm happy but something was wrong.

For instance, the other day, I started overanalyzing everything in my life and I lost it. I was thinking waaaay too much and had to make some life decisions and quick. I've been putting them off for way too long but I was scared. So I started to reflect about what I learned at school during spring semester.

My spring semester was rough. My life was turned upside down twice and I wouldn't have made it through without the support of my family (especially my mama) and the support of my friends (especially my MTC friends). I found myself "alone" and afraid. Everything had suddenly changed and I was hurting. I felt like no one understood me and no one knew what I was going through. People reached out to me and I appreciated that but I still felt alone.

There was one night in particular that I was walking to return a redbox movie and I lost it. I completely fell apart and no one was there--literally. I was alone in my apartment and my family was over 600 miles away. But that night will always be one that I will remember. I called my mom and she reminded me what I needed to do. I needed to pray. I got off the phone, still pretty upset, and prayed. I prayed for comfort, I prayed for enlightenment and I prayed for strength. And within that moment, I felt peace. I felt comfort. And for the second time in my life, I felt the physical presence of someone there, when I was completely alone. I knew I wasn't alone. And as I sat there for a bit, I knew that someone was there in my hour of need. My Savior, Jesus Christ, has suffered for all the pains I have, will, and will continue to feel in this imperfect life we live. I was then again reminded to do the things I needed to do.

All was this was happening, I had received my first "real" calling--relief society teacher. And boy, did I love it! I'm hoping to return to it in fall *fingers crossed* because I never realized how much I love teaching. Not only do I love being able to affect my fellow church members' Sundays but I love how each lesson is somehow meant for me. Well, the first lesson I taught was all about something very fundamental to the gospel of Jesus Christ- the Book of Mormon. I sat there though, writing my first ever lesson and thinking about how in the past, everyone who teaches says that the lesson is perfect for them. It hit me. I hadn't been reading my scriptures. The past year, I had been pretty good about reading, as I would use it for nightly motivation to talk on the phone. But with everything that had happened, I had lost focus.

Well, it is my strong belief that the gospel of Jesus Christ can be very simple. Everyone always jokes about the "Sunday School" answers but, personally speaking, those Sunday School answers can take us to salvation. By merely reading scriptures, praying and attending church, you are staying on the path to salvation and ultimately, eternal life.

This lead me to my motto for spring semester. Get ready for this, it's super super deep and thought provoking..

Return to the Basics.

Wow, Megan, that is way too complicated for me to understand...said no one EVER.

As I looked back on my life, all the rough patches have one thing in common....I stopped doing the basics. I slacked on my scripture study, I wasn't regular with my prayers and I didn't have MEANINGFUL church attendance. (I fully believe that you get out of church what you put into it.)

So back to this month. I have had the best month of my life...according to Fakebook and Instagram. According to the facts, I should be overly happy and excited for life around me. But why haven't I been truly happy? I stopped doing the basics. I stopped my personal growth and I stopped trying to better myself. I stopped talking to my Heavenly Father and searching the Book of Mormon nightly. I stopped attending church with a purpose. I haven't been myself because I forgot the basics. I forgot how to be a true follower of Jesus Christ.

So, basically, I invite you out there who is reading this to continue to return to the basics. And if you have ANY questions about the LDS church or what I believe in, please leave your comments or fill up my Facebook inbox because being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the biggest blessing I have in my life. I love it. I can't imagine my life without the knowledge I have, or without having a loving Heavenly Father who listens and answers my prayers. But, I can't have those blessings with returning to the basics nor can I experience true happiness and knowledge of who I am. I know I will never be perfect in this life, but I can try each day to be a little bit better than the day before.

Sooo....I guess I need a new blog title...

When I created this blog, I really wasn't anywhere close to getting married and I didn't want to...nor did I have any intention on going on a mission. It's funny how quickly Heavenly Father helps you change your life plans....

Let's start with some background. I'm twenty years old and I'm finishing my third year at BYU. I am one of the "few" surviving girls at BYU who didn't leave on a mission when President Monson lowered the missionary age. I'm one of those girls who watched five of her best friends from freshman year leave, all of her guy friends from freshman year leave (as they should) and had to make new friends and essentially start my college social career over. I grew a lot in that time....but it's been hard.

Alright, rewind...the day before the October General Conference 2012, I was in the temple, pondering life and got a strong impression that one day, I would raise sons to serve missions. I looked up and across the fount, there were three little boys, getting ready to be baptized. I started crying. I wrote down that impression and added that I probably wouldn't serve a mission but thought that this revelation meant that I'd be married soon. Keep in mind, I added that. I just got the impression I would raise boys to go on missions.

The next day was general conference and my world was turned upside down when President Monson lowered the missionary age. I had had that experience the day before, literally hours. I prayed and never got an answer to go so I stayed at BYU. I supported my girl friends who left and wrote missionaries every Sunday. I helped some of my guy friends get going and I watched missionary work change lives. 

Fast forward to November 2013. I went home for Thanksgiving weekend and it was a testimony meeting. A girl in my ward had just received her mission call and her father bore his testimony about missions. On my way to the airport, my father asked me if I had thought anymore about a mission. I was upset that he asked me--God had given me revelation and I wasn't going to receive a different answer. I lamented to my roommates and to Ben, when Ben told me to pray about it. I was scared out of my mind so I didn't for a few weeks. When I finally began to pray, I was even more scared when I got a peaceful feeling. I wanted to be completely sure that this was right, so I continued to study and think about it.

Around January, I knew was suppose to go. I started getting excited and nervous and scared and happy at times. But the newest problem was trying to figure out timing. I thought it would be smart to go after finishing my last year at school but for some reason, that didn't feel right. It wasn't until a few weeks later that Hayley did not get into BYU. I cried hard that night, I felt so sad for her. I remember calling Ben and he told me that I needed to go into my closet and pray. Pray for guidance and for Hayley to be comforted and what this meant for my life. I got off the phone and went into my room and poured out my soul. I felt like Enos, praying all night, even though it was probably only 15 minutes. But this was the hardest I had ever prayed in my life. When I got up, I knew that I was not suppose to leave until after Hayley and I had could have one semester together. But I still wanted to be sure.

Well, two weeks ago, I was sitting in the temple when I had the same impression about raising sons to go on missions. I looked up once more and noticed that there were six deacons, sitting and waiting to get baptized. However, I added the latest revelation together and realized that I am going on a mission to raise my sons to serve a mission as well as to serve the people and share the gospel. I can honestly say that I am scared out of my mind but still so excited. I will be finishing my papers this fall semester and hopefully leaving in January 2015.

I am so grateful that Heavenly Father in His wisdom did not completely answer my prayer back in October. I feel like I have grown a lot in that time as well as learned to meet new friends, talk to people, and live with strangers. I am so excited for the experiences that await me and cannot wait to spread this amazing gospel of joy and happiness.

I Need Thee Every Hour

Sitting in Sunday School today, I heard another room in the MARB singing I Need Thee Every Hour and I couldn't help but reflect.

"I need thee every hour
In joy or pain
Come quickly and abide
Or life is vain.
I need thee O I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my Savior
I come to thee."

A year ago today, I was sitting in a ward in Falcon, Colorado. Three of my friends and I had taken a break from school to visit our friend who was about to leave on a mission. I was bummed that the weekend had gone by so fast and was not looking forward to coming back to school. After church, we headed back home, opting for a route through Wyoming. We stopped along the way at the driver's house in Laramie. The second we got back in the car, for some reason, I felt uneasy and couldn't shake the feeling.

About 30 minutes later, the driver drifted off the side of the road. In effort to correct herself, she over corrected into the next lane, heading straight for a semi truck. Again, she over corrected and we veer off the freeway completely.

Wverything went quiet. When the car had stopped rolling, my ears were ringing and the first noise I recognized was my own breathing. My friend sitting next to me unbuckled my seat belt and started pulling glass out of my hair. He asked me if I was okay and I couldn't answer. I had gone into complete shock and all I knew was my back was killing me. The windows were broken and a few cars had stopped and someone threw blankets on me, to shield us from the cold wind. I began to cry.

The next few hours are a bit of a blur. I was taken in an ambulance to the ER about 40 minutes away. I badly wanted my parents with me. I cried a lot and even though I was surrounded by friends, people who cared about me and emergency personnel, I felt very alone and scared.

A miracle had happened, as after x rays, nothing was broken and no one else was seriously hurt from the crash. I knew I was in bad shape as moving brought severe pain. I would find out later that I had torn ligaments in my neck and the alignment of my back was no longer straight. But I was alive. That night as I closed my eyes, the dreams began. I could see the accident, feel the pain and didn't sleep at all. I remember crying, alone in the hotel room.

After we made it back to Provo, I knew my life would be different. I couldn't walk fast and even at the slowest pace, every step hurt. I was overwhelmed by the love and support that came my way. I put on a face and was going to be that brave survivor of a tragedy. But inside, I was hurt, confused and so alone.

The first day back at school was a particular hard day. As I collapsed into my seat in New Testament, we began to sing I Need Thee Every Hour. I couldn't make it through the first line. I cried, ashamed of myself. I had failed to recognized that I am never alone and needed Christ every hour, in joy and more importantly, pain.

That night, while scared to go to sleep and unable to fall asleep from the constant pain, I got on my knees and prayed the hardest I ever had in my life. I prayed for strength, for comfort, and for understanding. I prayed that I wouldn't be alone. And in those moments of deep despair, I felt arms surround me.

In those dark moments, I knew that my Savior Jesus Christ knew that I was struggling and He was lifting me up, reminding me that I am never alone.

I bear testimony that we are never alone. We are children of a loving Heavenly Father who sent His Son to die for us, to pay for our sins and every pain we have ever felt. Our Savior Jesus Christ is the only one who truly knows how we feel at all time and He is ready to help us at every hour, as long as we let him in.

Emerging Adulthood

“It seems to me that the years between eighteen and twenty-eight are the hardest, psychologically. It’s then you realize this is make or break, you no longer have the excuse of youth, and it is time to become an adult – but you are not ready.”

There's a new phenomenon going on in the world today and I have mixed opinions. However, I find it applicable to my life and suuuper interesting.
In sociology, there's a man named Jeffery Arnett who has devoted his current research to this phenomenon. Emerging Adulthood, he says, is the period of time from about age 18 and could go onto about age 25 where adolescents grow, experiment, learn, work, go to school, create romantic relationships, etc. It's a time period of self interest, where adolescents or young adults live alone and are independent.
This change is super apparent in the world as marriage is losing its value and cohabitation (a very selfish trend, IMHO, more on that another time) is the new way to live life. After college, these emerging adults either go onto more school or into a career, while thoughts about "settling down" are far from their mind.

Jeffery Arnett

This "worldly" view strongly contrasts two viewpoints in my life. Let's start with the generation gap. All of the emerging adults right now have parents who most likely married out of college or still in college, who had parents that married without college or during college. These past two generations married young and there's nothing wrong with that. With the economy, war times, religious expectations, etc., it just made sense. That's the way it had been and that's the way it was going to be. But with the change in technology, modern advances, and failing economy, it might not make a lot of sense to get married so young. The generational gaps, however,  makes life for these emerging adults complicated. With the different viewpoints floating around, it can be hard to sort through what is right for one and what is works for each individual, especially if parents don't always approve of said choices.
However, the one I'm finding more friction is my religion. Let me start by saying that the one major goal I'm working for in my life is marriage, especially to a worthy LDS man in the temple. But...with the way things are going with the world, there is *some* change in my LDS religion. The average age of marriage has strongly increased in the world but it has also gone up in the church. My parenting and child guidance teacher always tells us that for fun we should ask students on campus what is the perfect age to get married. He swears that we will find that most people will say age 25. And that's in the church. Although, recently, he commented that this is interesting, because with the recent age change in mission age, he would suggest that the prophets and leaders of our church are trying to tell young people to go on a mission and come back and married (which means boys leaving on missions at age 18 should get married at age 20...).

This is all very interesting to me. I'm not saying it's good or bad. But what I am saying is...why is it so wrong if I leave BYU unmarried? For my first two years of school, I felt this pressure to get married and find "the one." However, I rarely went on dates. I had my share of guy friends but dating was just not happening. And that's okay. But because of that, I think I have a mindset of I don't have enough experience to get married right now. If I could pick my future spouse and we could be married tomorrow, there's no way. I'm not ready.

So...what's the rush? I have things I want to do and I can't go live in Africa and research if I'm married. I think the Mormon culture and everyday people need to be more aware of the changing times. I think it's different for everyone. But as for me, I need time to explore. I need to make my own decisions and maybe even my own mistakes. As life is a time to learn, I plan to make every minute a time to learn, whether I'm in school, at work, or just watching people on the bus.

In the words of C.S. Lewis,
“Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My god, do you learn.”

2013 in Review

It's that time of the year again. A time for reflecting. A time of joy. A time of happiness. A time to recount blessings, to make resolutions and to reevaluate our lives.
Here's to 2013, the year where everything changed.

In reality, it was 2012 when I knew my life would be a bit different. After the prophet of my church changed the missionary age, I knew things would be different, as did everyone else. But I didn't think things would affect me as much. 

Now, looking back, I have been given new opportunities and blessings from those changes. This year, many of my friends left to serve the Lord which scared me. I don't like change and I didn't like the thought of making new friends...again. Luckily, my Father in Heaven knows that too and brought my new roommates and friends into my life, where we instantly clicked and I can't imagine if I would have met these amazing examples in my life without the change.

It seems like forever ago...but it was only 11 months ago that I was in my life - changing car accident. I knew in that instant that things would be different. However, from that experience, I realized how people all over really care. I knew that before but the out pouring of love, empathy, and help I received reinforced that idea. My physical health comes and goes but I have made an effort to be grateful every time I go running or walk to campus or even get comfortable in bed every night. Yes, I'm not perfect and I still complain my head off but hey, there's a new years resolution!

From my car accident, I learned a lot about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In those nights when I was alone and hurting, I turned to my Savior who suffered for me personally and felt His arms around me. I learned a lot from those experiences. They gave me strength to make changes in my life that I needed. The Atonement is real and it can help everyone. It's not just to make bad people good, but it is equally used to make good people better.

In my studies with sociology this year, I have learned statistics and studies that show the world is becoming a scary place. However, I choose to look for the good in the world. Through my studies, I learned a lot about the people around me and I feel I can better interact with people I come in contact with.

While there are many signs that show the world is increasingly becoming wicked and scary, I know that if we each do our part and become active in our lives, we can find happiness in the darkest of times. I know I have this year. Without darkness, we would never know happiness. Without trials, we would never know the good times. I hope that we realize the good ole days before they leave and we reflect on another year. Goodbye 2013. You were good to me. I welcome 2014 and any changes or challenges that come.

From the Mouth of the Vent-ee

I have often been told that I give good advice. My friendships revolve around the same type of relationships, which I honestly don't mind and actually might be pointing me towards a career path. But what I've noticed is I spend a lot of my time listening. Okay, that's not true. I can talk anyone's ear off--my family can testify to that. (Side note--dinner time during high school was "The Megan Show" where I would talk throughout all of dinner. It wasn't until I left for college that my sisters found their voices..). 

In my recent college years, I have felt like many people come to me with advice. I'm typically a friendly person with not too many problems of her own and personally, I LOVE helping people. It's always been something I've enjoyed-seeing someone take my advice and telling me that it helped, ah, I get SO much joy out of that!! I guess I've been told that I've been there when no one else was, or just had the perfect thing to say, not to brag or anything. 

However, there conveniently comes a day about once a month when a good few people come up to me, needing help. And I totally don't mind...but then I spend most of my day focusing on their problems, thinking of ways to help. Or wishing they could go to someone else, to take the pressure off me. Regardless, I normally sacrifice my time to help them. And that's okay! But I've recently noticed this cycle. And I'm not liking it and for once, I need advice. Anyway, here's my makeshift cycle. I don't know if it's "scientifically" correct or maybe there's a scientific term for it. But here are my thoughts. 

Now, let me add my own two sociology thoughts before I go a little more in depth into this cycle. There is a theory in sociology called the "Social Exchange Theory." Basically, it says that people are motivated by self interest -- that we seek rewards and avoid punishment. But the most interesting part of this theory is that social relationships are characterized by interdependence and reciprocity. In English? In order to gain profit in an exchange, we must provide the other person with rewards as well.

So if I sit here and apply this theory to my cycle of venting...here's what I've come up with.

When people come up to me and vent, I try my best to help them, because that's my personality. I'm not some heartless girl who listens and goes "oh that sucks." Instead, I spend my time helping, providing this exchange. I find my own rewards within helping people and the people I try to help find this reward in talking to me about their problems. However, as I sit here and am burden with other people's problems, I wish I was given some other rewards. I suppose I eventually do get a reward-I feel good about helping people. But what happens when I can't help? I don't receive any reward. And therefore, I feel like I need to find someone to vent to.

With all this sociology stuff aside, this cycle of venting is totally never ending. And if you're reading this, thinking, "Oh no...I totally vent to Megan..." PLEASE, continue! There's a good chance I love you and that I don't mind helping you, if you let me, that is. But meanwhile, it'd be nice if once in awhile...you could sit there and think before you talk. Is it really THAT important to help your best friend's sister cousin get over her ex-boyfriend...and is it really that important to tell me about it? Is it absolutely life or death that you keep me up till 4 AM telling me your life story and why you are deathly afraid of spiders? I don't think so.....but if it is, sure, I'll help you out. 

Just...from the mouth of a vent-ee, it'd be super awesome if we all could take a few seconds to figure out our own problems before running to someone else, begging for a few minutes of precious time to vent. Besides--no one likes a complainer. 

Identity Crisis, Averted!

"Say what you want to say and let
the words fall out." ~Sara Bareilles

Lemme start off by saying that I had a bit of a problem this summer (and no, puckering up to a llama was the LEAST of my worries...I just really like that picture, haha). I sat around and thought WAY too much...there is true in saying that overthinking leads to depression. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me and I have about 5 drafts of potential blog posts where I tried to write out what I was feeling but I just wasn't getting anything, which was extremely upsetting because I find that writing out my feelings normally leads me to SOME kind of answer.

"These times are hard but they will
pass." ~SafetySuit

Anyway, I digress. Basically, I was sitting around thinking I was this horrible person, how teenager-y of me. I picked at my flaws. I didn't listen to any compliments anyone gave me. I second guessed every "good" thing I did (like doing the dishes every night and morning because I wasn't in school) because I was wondering if that was really me or if I just needed to act that way to "seem" like a good person. I opened up to a few people but wasn't receiving any reason for feeling this way. I searched my scriptures and..nothing. I was frustrated.

I finally pushed some of these feelings away because I wasn't getting anywhere. In Relief Society at my home ward, I sorta thought I received an answer for why I was feeling this way but NOTHING. Ugh. So I came up to school and emerged myself in college life. I met my roommates and while doing the normal get to know you, I tried not to paint this picture that I was this amazing person who never got mad at anyone. I was genuinely honest, explaining some past roommate problems and pointing out some of my flaws... I figured that this was the best way to figure out my problems (wrong) and maybe I'd figure out what I'd been feeling. I pushed these negative doubting feelings away that I was making up a person but they would gnaw at me during the night and when I was alone. I tried to keep myself busy (I know, this is only the FIRST week of classes but I found myself with lots of spare time...) but again, nothing was working.

"I'm a human being, being happy
and sane." ~Relient K

Well, I grudgingly sat down to do my SOC 310 reading. I've already taken a sociology class with this professor, during spring, so I'm having a hard time humbling myself in order to enjoy this class, which I know is going to be hard. Philosophy and theory? Not my stuff. Greeks and Romans? We're American...where is the connection? Sigh. Anyway, I started reading this article entitled Gift and Exchange and it totally captured me. It talked a lot about how pure gifts are found when we don't want recognition or something in return, whereas exchange is built all around, well, an exchange. Halfway through the article, it mentioned self identity when an overwhelming feeling of that light bulb moment hit me. I won't say it was a peaceful feeling but my heart started racing and I knew.

Over summer, I had an identity crisis.

At age 19?

Yep.

So now what?

"If we wait until we're ready, we'll
be waiting for the rest of our
lives!"

Well I continued reading the article and found why I had been so unsatisfied with all these people building me up. It's all based on relationships. When someone is trying to figure out their "self-identity", according to the article, they stop focusing on the outside world and focus on themselves, which is why I was feeling depressed. I was thinking too much about how others viewed me instead of how I viewed myself. So when an individual begins to think about herself too often, she will sit and rate her relationships. (True.) When someone would compliment me (Megan always gives gives people a chance) or sympathize with me (I totally know about your back pain), too often I would find myself thinking, you don't even know me!..as in the REAL Megan Williams. You just see the outward performance that I'm pretty good at giving...which I don't even know if that's the real Megan Williams. You see the girl who gives too many second chances, who stays up till midnight if it helps a friend (even though she's falling asleep while talking), the girl who says she's fearless (and will stand up to anyone and everyone with her opinions), and the girl who is just plain nice. But was that really me?? I didn't think so. I thought I had lost myself...

Hahaha.

So I'm sitting here, reading this article, freaking out, that I was only 19 and had an identity crisis when the reading went on to say that, well, this was sorta of normal. In the author's view, this search for identity happens because we want to feel love. We want to be understood. We want our voice to be heard, and we want to be unique. As I sat there reading, I realized that's all I wanted for the past...I don't know, year? Ever since I started the Sociology major, my mind has been open to new ideas, concepts, theories, and beliefs, and I wanted to share them with the closed minded people of the world. I wanted my voice to be heard, that societal influences doesn't make us who we are and that we can change our individual views to match who we think we are. Part of the time, I've wanted to be unique, I suppose, not following the trends of the world or listening to certain music or watching the hottest TV shows because "everyone's doing it." The "hipster" view, even though I'm slightly ashamed at being "that girl." But the article addresses this desire of being unique. Regardless of how "unique" you think you're being, you're really not. Ha, isn't that a bit harsh? Let me rephrase that...these feelings and thoughts of being unique are only found within the imagination. Therefore, when you think you're being unique, you've really just imagined it. Ah, the beauty of a paradox.

In any case, all these feelings that have been building up have been because I thought I needed social confirmation by those closest to me that I was a "good person" or "doing what's right." However, after reading this article, I realized that I
don't need this social confirmation. I'm living my life the way I know how or the way that works with me. I may not be an unique, really awesome and kind individual but I'm trying to model my life after my Savior, Jesus Christ, lived His life. And through Christ, I will find ultimate happiness in this life and the life to come. Besides, who needs social confirmation that they are a good person?
Not me. J