Identity Crisis, Averted!

"Say what you want to say and let
the words fall out." ~Sara Bareilles

Lemme start off by saying that I had a bit of a problem this summer (and no, puckering up to a llama was the LEAST of my worries...I just really like that picture, haha). I sat around and thought WAY too much...there is true in saying that overthinking leads to depression. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me and I have about 5 drafts of potential blog posts where I tried to write out what I was feeling but I just wasn't getting anything, which was extremely upsetting because I find that writing out my feelings normally leads me to SOME kind of answer.

"These times are hard but they will
pass." ~SafetySuit

Anyway, I digress. Basically, I was sitting around thinking I was this horrible person, how teenager-y of me. I picked at my flaws. I didn't listen to any compliments anyone gave me. I second guessed every "good" thing I did (like doing the dishes every night and morning because I wasn't in school) because I was wondering if that was really me or if I just needed to act that way to "seem" like a good person. I opened up to a few people but wasn't receiving any reason for feeling this way. I searched my scriptures and..nothing. I was frustrated.

I finally pushed some of these feelings away because I wasn't getting anywhere. In Relief Society at my home ward, I sorta thought I received an answer for why I was feeling this way but NOTHING. Ugh. So I came up to school and emerged myself in college life. I met my roommates and while doing the normal get to know you, I tried not to paint this picture that I was this amazing person who never got mad at anyone. I was genuinely honest, explaining some past roommate problems and pointing out some of my flaws... I figured that this was the best way to figure out my problems (wrong) and maybe I'd figure out what I'd been feeling. I pushed these negative doubting feelings away that I was making up a person but they would gnaw at me during the night and when I was alone. I tried to keep myself busy (I know, this is only the FIRST week of classes but I found myself with lots of spare time...) but again, nothing was working.

"I'm a human being, being happy
and sane." ~Relient K

Well, I grudgingly sat down to do my SOC 310 reading. I've already taken a sociology class with this professor, during spring, so I'm having a hard time humbling myself in order to enjoy this class, which I know is going to be hard. Philosophy and theory? Not my stuff. Greeks and Romans? We're American...where is the connection? Sigh. Anyway, I started reading this article entitled Gift and Exchange and it totally captured me. It talked a lot about how pure gifts are found when we don't want recognition or something in return, whereas exchange is built all around, well, an exchange. Halfway through the article, it mentioned self identity when an overwhelming feeling of that light bulb moment hit me. I won't say it was a peaceful feeling but my heart started racing and I knew.

Over summer, I had an identity crisis.

At age 19?

Yep.

So now what?

"If we wait until we're ready, we'll
be waiting for the rest of our
lives!"

Well I continued reading the article and found why I had been so unsatisfied with all these people building me up. It's all based on relationships. When someone is trying to figure out their "self-identity", according to the article, they stop focusing on the outside world and focus on themselves, which is why I was feeling depressed. I was thinking too much about how others viewed me instead of how I viewed myself. So when an individual begins to think about herself too often, she will sit and rate her relationships. (True.) When someone would compliment me (Megan always gives gives people a chance) or sympathize with me (I totally know about your back pain), too often I would find myself thinking, you don't even know me!..as in the REAL Megan Williams. You just see the outward performance that I'm pretty good at giving...which I don't even know if that's the real Megan Williams. You see the girl who gives too many second chances, who stays up till midnight if it helps a friend (even though she's falling asleep while talking), the girl who says she's fearless (and will stand up to anyone and everyone with her opinions), and the girl who is just plain nice. But was that really me?? I didn't think so. I thought I had lost myself...

Hahaha.

So I'm sitting here, reading this article, freaking out, that I was only 19 and had an identity crisis when the reading went on to say that, well, this was sorta of normal. In the author's view, this search for identity happens because we want to feel love. We want to be understood. We want our voice to be heard, and we want to be unique. As I sat there reading, I realized that's all I wanted for the past...I don't know, year? Ever since I started the Sociology major, my mind has been open to new ideas, concepts, theories, and beliefs, and I wanted to share them with the closed minded people of the world. I wanted my voice to be heard, that societal influences doesn't make us who we are and that we can change our individual views to match who we think we are. Part of the time, I've wanted to be unique, I suppose, not following the trends of the world or listening to certain music or watching the hottest TV shows because "everyone's doing it." The "hipster" view, even though I'm slightly ashamed at being "that girl." But the article addresses this desire of being unique. Regardless of how "unique" you think you're being, you're really not. Ha, isn't that a bit harsh? Let me rephrase that...these feelings and thoughts of being unique are only found within the imagination. Therefore, when you think you're being unique, you've really just imagined it. Ah, the beauty of a paradox.

In any case, all these feelings that have been building up have been because I thought I needed social confirmation by those closest to me that I was a "good person" or "doing what's right." However, after reading this article, I realized that I
don't need this social confirmation. I'm living my life the way I know how or the way that works with me. I may not be an unique, really awesome and kind individual but I'm trying to model my life after my Savior, Jesus Christ, lived His life. And through Christ, I will find ultimate happiness in this life and the life to come. Besides, who needs social confirmation that they are a good person?
Not me. J