I Need Thee Every Hour

Sitting in Sunday School today, I heard another room in the MARB singing I Need Thee Every Hour and I couldn't help but reflect.

"I need thee every hour
In joy or pain
Come quickly and abide
Or life is vain.
I need thee O I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my Savior
I come to thee."

A year ago today, I was sitting in a ward in Falcon, Colorado. Three of my friends and I had taken a break from school to visit our friend who was about to leave on a mission. I was bummed that the weekend had gone by so fast and was not looking forward to coming back to school. After church, we headed back home, opting for a route through Wyoming. We stopped along the way at the driver's house in Laramie. The second we got back in the car, for some reason, I felt uneasy and couldn't shake the feeling.

About 30 minutes later, the driver drifted off the side of the road. In effort to correct herself, she over corrected into the next lane, heading straight for a semi truck. Again, she over corrected and we veer off the freeway completely.

Wverything went quiet. When the car had stopped rolling, my ears were ringing and the first noise I recognized was my own breathing. My friend sitting next to me unbuckled my seat belt and started pulling glass out of my hair. He asked me if I was okay and I couldn't answer. I had gone into complete shock and all I knew was my back was killing me. The windows were broken and a few cars had stopped and someone threw blankets on me, to shield us from the cold wind. I began to cry.

The next few hours are a bit of a blur. I was taken in an ambulance to the ER about 40 minutes away. I badly wanted my parents with me. I cried a lot and even though I was surrounded by friends, people who cared about me and emergency personnel, I felt very alone and scared.

A miracle had happened, as after x rays, nothing was broken and no one else was seriously hurt from the crash. I knew I was in bad shape as moving brought severe pain. I would find out later that I had torn ligaments in my neck and the alignment of my back was no longer straight. But I was alive. That night as I closed my eyes, the dreams began. I could see the accident, feel the pain and didn't sleep at all. I remember crying, alone in the hotel room.

After we made it back to Provo, I knew my life would be different. I couldn't walk fast and even at the slowest pace, every step hurt. I was overwhelmed by the love and support that came my way. I put on a face and was going to be that brave survivor of a tragedy. But inside, I was hurt, confused and so alone.

The first day back at school was a particular hard day. As I collapsed into my seat in New Testament, we began to sing I Need Thee Every Hour. I couldn't make it through the first line. I cried, ashamed of myself. I had failed to recognized that I am never alone and needed Christ every hour, in joy and more importantly, pain.

That night, while scared to go to sleep and unable to fall asleep from the constant pain, I got on my knees and prayed the hardest I ever had in my life. I prayed for strength, for comfort, and for understanding. I prayed that I wouldn't be alone. And in those moments of deep despair, I felt arms surround me.

In those dark moments, I knew that my Savior Jesus Christ knew that I was struggling and He was lifting me up, reminding me that I am never alone.

I bear testimony that we are never alone. We are children of a loving Heavenly Father who sent His Son to die for us, to pay for our sins and every pain we have ever felt. Our Savior Jesus Christ is the only one who truly knows how we feel at all time and He is ready to help us at every hour, as long as we let him in.

Emerging Adulthood

“It seems to me that the years between eighteen and twenty-eight are the hardest, psychologically. It’s then you realize this is make or break, you no longer have the excuse of youth, and it is time to become an adult – but you are not ready.”

There's a new phenomenon going on in the world today and I have mixed opinions. However, I find it applicable to my life and suuuper interesting.
In sociology, there's a man named Jeffery Arnett who has devoted his current research to this phenomenon. Emerging Adulthood, he says, is the period of time from about age 18 and could go onto about age 25 where adolescents grow, experiment, learn, work, go to school, create romantic relationships, etc. It's a time period of self interest, where adolescents or young adults live alone and are independent.
This change is super apparent in the world as marriage is losing its value and cohabitation (a very selfish trend, IMHO, more on that another time) is the new way to live life. After college, these emerging adults either go onto more school or into a career, while thoughts about "settling down" are far from their mind.

Jeffery Arnett

This "worldly" view strongly contrasts two viewpoints in my life. Let's start with the generation gap. All of the emerging adults right now have parents who most likely married out of college or still in college, who had parents that married without college or during college. These past two generations married young and there's nothing wrong with that. With the economy, war times, religious expectations, etc., it just made sense. That's the way it had been and that's the way it was going to be. But with the change in technology, modern advances, and failing economy, it might not make a lot of sense to get married so young. The generational gaps, however,  makes life for these emerging adults complicated. With the different viewpoints floating around, it can be hard to sort through what is right for one and what is works for each individual, especially if parents don't always approve of said choices.
However, the one I'm finding more friction is my religion. Let me start by saying that the one major goal I'm working for in my life is marriage, especially to a worthy LDS man in the temple. But...with the way things are going with the world, there is *some* change in my LDS religion. The average age of marriage has strongly increased in the world but it has also gone up in the church. My parenting and child guidance teacher always tells us that for fun we should ask students on campus what is the perfect age to get married. He swears that we will find that most people will say age 25. And that's in the church. Although, recently, he commented that this is interesting, because with the recent age change in mission age, he would suggest that the prophets and leaders of our church are trying to tell young people to go on a mission and come back and married (which means boys leaving on missions at age 18 should get married at age 20...).

This is all very interesting to me. I'm not saying it's good or bad. But what I am saying is...why is it so wrong if I leave BYU unmarried? For my first two years of school, I felt this pressure to get married and find "the one." However, I rarely went on dates. I had my share of guy friends but dating was just not happening. And that's okay. But because of that, I think I have a mindset of I don't have enough experience to get married right now. If I could pick my future spouse and we could be married tomorrow, there's no way. I'm not ready.

So...what's the rush? I have things I want to do and I can't go live in Africa and research if I'm married. I think the Mormon culture and everyday people need to be more aware of the changing times. I think it's different for everyone. But as for me, I need time to explore. I need to make my own decisions and maybe even my own mistakes. As life is a time to learn, I plan to make every minute a time to learn, whether I'm in school, at work, or just watching people on the bus.

In the words of C.S. Lewis,
“Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My god, do you learn.”

2013 in Review

It's that time of the year again. A time for reflecting. A time of joy. A time of happiness. A time to recount blessings, to make resolutions and to reevaluate our lives.
Here's to 2013, the year where everything changed.

In reality, it was 2012 when I knew my life would be a bit different. After the prophet of my church changed the missionary age, I knew things would be different, as did everyone else. But I didn't think things would affect me as much. 

Now, looking back, I have been given new opportunities and blessings from those changes. This year, many of my friends left to serve the Lord which scared me. I don't like change and I didn't like the thought of making new friends...again. Luckily, my Father in Heaven knows that too and brought my new roommates and friends into my life, where we instantly clicked and I can't imagine if I would have met these amazing examples in my life without the change.

It seems like forever ago...but it was only 11 months ago that I was in my life - changing car accident. I knew in that instant that things would be different. However, from that experience, I realized how people all over really care. I knew that before but the out pouring of love, empathy, and help I received reinforced that idea. My physical health comes and goes but I have made an effort to be grateful every time I go running or walk to campus or even get comfortable in bed every night. Yes, I'm not perfect and I still complain my head off but hey, there's a new years resolution!

From my car accident, I learned a lot about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. In those nights when I was alone and hurting, I turned to my Savior who suffered for me personally and felt His arms around me. I learned a lot from those experiences. They gave me strength to make changes in my life that I needed. The Atonement is real and it can help everyone. It's not just to make bad people good, but it is equally used to make good people better.

In my studies with sociology this year, I have learned statistics and studies that show the world is becoming a scary place. However, I choose to look for the good in the world. Through my studies, I learned a lot about the people around me and I feel I can better interact with people I come in contact with.

While there are many signs that show the world is increasingly becoming wicked and scary, I know that if we each do our part and become active in our lives, we can find happiness in the darkest of times. I know I have this year. Without darkness, we would never know happiness. Without trials, we would never know the good times. I hope that we realize the good ole days before they leave and we reflect on another year. Goodbye 2013. You were good to me. I welcome 2014 and any changes or challenges that come.

From the Mouth of the Vent-ee

I have often been told that I give good advice. My friendships revolve around the same type of relationships, which I honestly don't mind and actually might be pointing me towards a career path. But what I've noticed is I spend a lot of my time listening. Okay, that's not true. I can talk anyone's ear off--my family can testify to that. (Side note--dinner time during high school was "The Megan Show" where I would talk throughout all of dinner. It wasn't until I left for college that my sisters found their voices..). 

In my recent college years, I have felt like many people come to me with advice. I'm typically a friendly person with not too many problems of her own and personally, I LOVE helping people. It's always been something I've enjoyed-seeing someone take my advice and telling me that it helped, ah, I get SO much joy out of that!! I guess I've been told that I've been there when no one else was, or just had the perfect thing to say, not to brag or anything. 

However, there conveniently comes a day about once a month when a good few people come up to me, needing help. And I totally don't mind...but then I spend most of my day focusing on their problems, thinking of ways to help. Or wishing they could go to someone else, to take the pressure off me. Regardless, I normally sacrifice my time to help them. And that's okay! But I've recently noticed this cycle. And I'm not liking it and for once, I need advice. Anyway, here's my makeshift cycle. I don't know if it's "scientifically" correct or maybe there's a scientific term for it. But here are my thoughts. 

Now, let me add my own two sociology thoughts before I go a little more in depth into this cycle. There is a theory in sociology called the "Social Exchange Theory." Basically, it says that people are motivated by self interest -- that we seek rewards and avoid punishment. But the most interesting part of this theory is that social relationships are characterized by interdependence and reciprocity. In English? In order to gain profit in an exchange, we must provide the other person with rewards as well.

So if I sit here and apply this theory to my cycle of venting...here's what I've come up with.

When people come up to me and vent, I try my best to help them, because that's my personality. I'm not some heartless girl who listens and goes "oh that sucks." Instead, I spend my time helping, providing this exchange. I find my own rewards within helping people and the people I try to help find this reward in talking to me about their problems. However, as I sit here and am burden with other people's problems, I wish I was given some other rewards. I suppose I eventually do get a reward-I feel good about helping people. But what happens when I can't help? I don't receive any reward. And therefore, I feel like I need to find someone to vent to.

With all this sociology stuff aside, this cycle of venting is totally never ending. And if you're reading this, thinking, "Oh no...I totally vent to Megan..." PLEASE, continue! There's a good chance I love you and that I don't mind helping you, if you let me, that is. But meanwhile, it'd be nice if once in awhile...you could sit there and think before you talk. Is it really THAT important to help your best friend's sister cousin get over her ex-boyfriend...and is it really that important to tell me about it? Is it absolutely life or death that you keep me up till 4 AM telling me your life story and why you are deathly afraid of spiders? I don't think so.....but if it is, sure, I'll help you out. 

Just...from the mouth of a vent-ee, it'd be super awesome if we all could take a few seconds to figure out our own problems before running to someone else, begging for a few minutes of precious time to vent. Besides--no one likes a complainer. 

Identity Crisis, Averted!

"Say what you want to say and let
the words fall out." ~Sara Bareilles

Lemme start off by saying that I had a bit of a problem this summer (and no, puckering up to a llama was the LEAST of my worries...I just really like that picture, haha). I sat around and thought WAY too much...there is true in saying that overthinking leads to depression. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me and I have about 5 drafts of potential blog posts where I tried to write out what I was feeling but I just wasn't getting anything, which was extremely upsetting because I find that writing out my feelings normally leads me to SOME kind of answer.

"These times are hard but they will
pass." ~SafetySuit

Anyway, I digress. Basically, I was sitting around thinking I was this horrible person, how teenager-y of me. I picked at my flaws. I didn't listen to any compliments anyone gave me. I second guessed every "good" thing I did (like doing the dishes every night and morning because I wasn't in school) because I was wondering if that was really me or if I just needed to act that way to "seem" like a good person. I opened up to a few people but wasn't receiving any reason for feeling this way. I searched my scriptures and..nothing. I was frustrated.

I finally pushed some of these feelings away because I wasn't getting anywhere. In Relief Society at my home ward, I sorta thought I received an answer for why I was feeling this way but NOTHING. Ugh. So I came up to school and emerged myself in college life. I met my roommates and while doing the normal get to know you, I tried not to paint this picture that I was this amazing person who never got mad at anyone. I was genuinely honest, explaining some past roommate problems and pointing out some of my flaws... I figured that this was the best way to figure out my problems (wrong) and maybe I'd figure out what I'd been feeling. I pushed these negative doubting feelings away that I was making up a person but they would gnaw at me during the night and when I was alone. I tried to keep myself busy (I know, this is only the FIRST week of classes but I found myself with lots of spare time...) but again, nothing was working.

"I'm a human being, being happy
and sane." ~Relient K

Well, I grudgingly sat down to do my SOC 310 reading. I've already taken a sociology class with this professor, during spring, so I'm having a hard time humbling myself in order to enjoy this class, which I know is going to be hard. Philosophy and theory? Not my stuff. Greeks and Romans? We're American...where is the connection? Sigh. Anyway, I started reading this article entitled Gift and Exchange and it totally captured me. It talked a lot about how pure gifts are found when we don't want recognition or something in return, whereas exchange is built all around, well, an exchange. Halfway through the article, it mentioned self identity when an overwhelming feeling of that light bulb moment hit me. I won't say it was a peaceful feeling but my heart started racing and I knew.

Over summer, I had an identity crisis.

At age 19?

Yep.

So now what?

"If we wait until we're ready, we'll
be waiting for the rest of our
lives!"

Well I continued reading the article and found why I had been so unsatisfied with all these people building me up. It's all based on relationships. When someone is trying to figure out their "self-identity", according to the article, they stop focusing on the outside world and focus on themselves, which is why I was feeling depressed. I was thinking too much about how others viewed me instead of how I viewed myself. So when an individual begins to think about herself too often, she will sit and rate her relationships. (True.) When someone would compliment me (Megan always gives gives people a chance) or sympathize with me (I totally know about your back pain), too often I would find myself thinking, you don't even know me!..as in the REAL Megan Williams. You just see the outward performance that I'm pretty good at giving...which I don't even know if that's the real Megan Williams. You see the girl who gives too many second chances, who stays up till midnight if it helps a friend (even though she's falling asleep while talking), the girl who says she's fearless (and will stand up to anyone and everyone with her opinions), and the girl who is just plain nice. But was that really me?? I didn't think so. I thought I had lost myself...

Hahaha.

So I'm sitting here, reading this article, freaking out, that I was only 19 and had an identity crisis when the reading went on to say that, well, this was sorta of normal. In the author's view, this search for identity happens because we want to feel love. We want to be understood. We want our voice to be heard, and we want to be unique. As I sat there reading, I realized that's all I wanted for the past...I don't know, year? Ever since I started the Sociology major, my mind has been open to new ideas, concepts, theories, and beliefs, and I wanted to share them with the closed minded people of the world. I wanted my voice to be heard, that societal influences doesn't make us who we are and that we can change our individual views to match who we think we are. Part of the time, I've wanted to be unique, I suppose, not following the trends of the world or listening to certain music or watching the hottest TV shows because "everyone's doing it." The "hipster" view, even though I'm slightly ashamed at being "that girl." But the article addresses this desire of being unique. Regardless of how "unique" you think you're being, you're really not. Ha, isn't that a bit harsh? Let me rephrase that...these feelings and thoughts of being unique are only found within the imagination. Therefore, when you think you're being unique, you've really just imagined it. Ah, the beauty of a paradox.

In any case, all these feelings that have been building up have been because I thought I needed social confirmation by those closest to me that I was a "good person" or "doing what's right." However, after reading this article, I realized that I
don't need this social confirmation. I'm living my life the way I know how or the way that works with me. I may not be an unique, really awesome and kind individual but I'm trying to model my life after my Savior, Jesus Christ, lived His life. And through Christ, I will find ultimate happiness in this life and the life to come. Besides, who needs social confirmation that they are a good person?
Not me. J

Where Can I Turn for Peace?

Last week, the relief society lesson was on finding peace through trials. It was based off a great conference talk, given by Elder Quentin Cook. The sister who taught was but a few years older than me, probably recently married. She listened meaningfully to the older sisters who shared their trials and hard times, saying, I'm so young and haven't had terrible trials that you sisters have had.

I always thought I'd be one of those young people who would be able to say "I haven't had any real tough challenges yet" but I guess Heavenly Father had a different plan.

I don't believe in being a victim of circumstances. That is, I've always thought that one cannot be bitter because of something that has happened by "chance." Or even something that happened purposefully. I've never had to think much about it but I always saw myself as rising up to the challenge, staying positive regardless of the bumps along the way. However, over the past few months, I've had a hard time finding peace.

Some days, I wake up fine. My back isn't an issue, and I feel like I could save the world. But some days, like today, I wake up sore. I can't ignore the stabbing pain in my back. Sitting doesn't help, laying down doesn't help, moving doesn't help. It's on days like today, where I realize I have a choice. I can choose to be happy, paint on a fake smile, and not worry about sitting through 3 hours of church. Or, I can let myself be a victim of circumstance. I can sit with a grimace, complain to anyone who will listen and let my spirit fall. Or, yet another choice, I can find peace through this trial.

Peace you say? How can one find peace when pain is shooting throughout the body and it doesn't seem like it'll ever stop?

I remember that after the accident, I couldn't find much peace. Life was awkward. People didn't know what to say, act or how to help. The worse was the times that words were twisted or comments came out that didn't mean to. I had to work hard not to be offended when an off hand comment made it seem like I was the only one injured because I wasn't planning to serve a mission. I was glad that my other friends who were responding to the call were not hurt but part of me believed the comment that was made-maybe I was hurt because I wasn't preparing to serve a mission. 

I had a home teaching visit the other night that ended with my home teacher asking me if Provo was a mad house after the missionary age change. I told him that we really didn't need to talk about all that, duh, of course it was, and he told me that his son has gotten lots of comments for choosing a different school over a church school. As I sat there that night thinking, I realized that personal peace was really what had gotten me through the "trial" of all my friends leaving on missions. Like the mission age change, I needed to remember the personal revelation that I received right after the accident, the reason why I need to endure this trial of physical pain. 

After waking up this morning in pain and not wanting to go to church, I realized that obviously, church was the obvious answer. And I found my answer in relief society.  Our relief society president taught the lesson on....peace.  One of the things she said hit me so hard. She remarked that she learned that the Atonement is not just for major sins and that it can be used to find peace.  She counseled, "Don't hold onto things you can't change, for how you can find peace with such things weighing you down?" I realized that on the days when the pain is most severe, my spirit is weighed down.  Instead of weeping and hurting, I can find peace through personal prayer and reminder that Jesus is my Lord and Savior and He heals me. While I still wake up hurting and I don't immediately genuinely smile, I think about the trial I am facing...and I wouldn't trade the knowledge that I have gained for anything.

"And then we'll go home and DIE!!"

A typical summer day in the life of Megan...I wake up...go to work. I love my job, I get to hang out with two cute kids. But sometimes, I'm just hungry for "adult" conversation, which is why I was taken aback a few weeks ago at work.

Sophie and Nathan :)

I was sitting at the pool with Nathan and Sophie. Sophie (7) was still in the water and Nathan (10) was sitting next to me, eating a snack. He really wanted to go home but Sophie was still having a good time. It was about 3 o'clock, which meant I only had an hour left and wanted to stay a bit longer. I told Nathan we'd leave around 3:15 and he goes,

"And then...we'll go home and DIE!"

I laughed. Typical Nathan, to get a little crazy and make a comment that is so out of this world. I told him that he could do whatever he wanted for the last thirty minutes I'd be there and he surprised me with this response...

"Well, you know, I don't really think when we die that we'll be nothing. Like, does that even make sense? I think we go somewhere. I don't know where but we don't just die and end up  as dust...right?"

Wait, come again? Huh? Is there water in my ears? Did I just hear you correctly?
I was almost shocked into silence, when I looked over and realized he was waiting for an answer.

"Well, uhm, I can tell you what I believe."

Beach trip!

Now, many would think that this is the first time I've talked religion with my nanny kids. But the week before, religion came up in the car on our way down to the beach. The kids were asking me about high school and asked me if I dated in high school. I mentioned that, yes, I did have a boyfriend in high school and they asked more about him and why we weren't still together. While I didn't really want to go into specifics, I wanted to see if either of the kids had ever been to a church, so I said "we didn't see eye to eye when it came to religion." Nathan surprised me, asking if "we" (as in him and his family) are religious. I asked if he had ever been to church and he said, yes, with his grandparents. And then Sophie changed the topic to something random about our stomachs being our hearts. Yes, typical conversation with these little ones.

But back to the pool scene. We continued to have a fifteen minute discussion, based off of what I believe will happen after we die and other main principles of my faith.  One thing that he felt passionate about was that death brings a new life and won't be the end.  However, he felt that those who were responsible for 9/11 would not live again.  I told him that I thought God still loved those people and shared with him about agency. I used a little analogy, saying that when I ask Sophie and Nathan not to fight, they have their agency to listen to me or ignore me. Regardless of their choice, I still love them and want to be with them.  I told him that God feels the same way and He wants us to make the right choice so we can live with Him again.

Crazy. A boy of 10, still a child, could sit with me and ask questions and listen to my opinions about religion. Maybe he'll never think about it again. Maybe nothing I said made sense and he was just being polite. But if there were more people out there who humbled themselves down and took two seconds out of their busy lives to ask themselves what is the meaning of this life, maybe the gospel would take off. Maybe people would be quick to learn and slow to anger. Maybe people would be kind, genuine human beings. Maybe there wouldn't be wars or rumor of wars and horrible Mother Nature related incidents. 

Amazing how a simple day at the pool can turn into a powerful day that brought me to tears and made me realize how thankful I am that I grew up in this beautiful gospel, that brings trust, faith and hope to those who need it.