Where Can I Turn for Peace?

Last week, the relief society lesson was on finding peace through trials. It was based off a great conference talk, given by Elder Quentin Cook. The sister who taught was but a few years older than me, probably recently married. She listened meaningfully to the older sisters who shared their trials and hard times, saying, I'm so young and haven't had terrible trials that you sisters have had.

I always thought I'd be one of those young people who would be able to say "I haven't had any real tough challenges yet" but I guess Heavenly Father had a different plan.

I don't believe in being a victim of circumstances. That is, I've always thought that one cannot be bitter because of something that has happened by "chance." Or even something that happened purposefully. I've never had to think much about it but I always saw myself as rising up to the challenge, staying positive regardless of the bumps along the way. However, over the past few months, I've had a hard time finding peace.

Some days, I wake up fine. My back isn't an issue, and I feel like I could save the world. But some days, like today, I wake up sore. I can't ignore the stabbing pain in my back. Sitting doesn't help, laying down doesn't help, moving doesn't help. It's on days like today, where I realize I have a choice. I can choose to be happy, paint on a fake smile, and not worry about sitting through 3 hours of church. Or, I can let myself be a victim of circumstance. I can sit with a grimace, complain to anyone who will listen and let my spirit fall. Or, yet another choice, I can find peace through this trial.

Peace you say? How can one find peace when pain is shooting throughout the body and it doesn't seem like it'll ever stop?

I remember that after the accident, I couldn't find much peace. Life was awkward. People didn't know what to say, act or how to help. The worse was the times that words were twisted or comments came out that didn't mean to. I had to work hard not to be offended when an off hand comment made it seem like I was the only one injured because I wasn't planning to serve a mission. I was glad that my other friends who were responding to the call were not hurt but part of me believed the comment that was made-maybe I was hurt because I wasn't preparing to serve a mission. 

I had a home teaching visit the other night that ended with my home teacher asking me if Provo was a mad house after the missionary age change. I told him that we really didn't need to talk about all that, duh, of course it was, and he told me that his son has gotten lots of comments for choosing a different school over a church school. As I sat there that night thinking, I realized that personal peace was really what had gotten me through the "trial" of all my friends leaving on missions. Like the mission age change, I needed to remember the personal revelation that I received right after the accident, the reason why I need to endure this trial of physical pain. 

After waking up this morning in pain and not wanting to go to church, I realized that obviously, church was the obvious answer. And I found my answer in relief society.  Our relief society president taught the lesson on....peace.  One of the things she said hit me so hard. She remarked that she learned that the Atonement is not just for major sins and that it can be used to find peace.  She counseled, "Don't hold onto things you can't change, for how you can find peace with such things weighing you down?" I realized that on the days when the pain is most severe, my spirit is weighed down.  Instead of weeping and hurting, I can find peace through personal prayer and reminder that Jesus is my Lord and Savior and He heals me. While I still wake up hurting and I don't immediately genuinely smile, I think about the trial I am facing...and I wouldn't trade the knowledge that I have gained for anything.