#Meganns150DaysofHappiness

If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook, you know I'm an avid social media user. I believe in posting and I believe in capturing life's moments--and this summer especially, I believe in posting the good and the bad in order to really capture what life is.

At the end of April, I left Provo physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted. The semester was hard. I had lost the sense of who I was and I was terrified. Not just scared but terrified. I had just scheduled a doctor's appointment in California as my doctor in Utah suggested Gallbladder removal surgery. I love California but I knew I would be losing my "social life" and would go back home to a place that I didn't necessarily fit in. I'd be surrounded by people that love me unconditionally but didn't totally understand me. The first night at home, I had the idea to start a happiness challenge. For the next set amount of days, I would post a picture a day of something that brought me

happiness.

At first, it was pretty easy. I had so much to be happiness--I was home, being taken care of, and I was hanging out with my mom everyday. One of my biggest worries about going home was finding a job. Every week except the week of my surgery, I found work. I watched my favorite newborn and learned a lot. I hung out with my family and lived in the moment.

And then I had days that didn't go as planned. Where I was running around and didn't have time to make myself look presentable for a picture. But somehow, those days still turned out better than I had planned. Some were hard and even though they ended in tears, I still looked back and

found a small reason to smile because of a lesson learned or a thought that came to me.

But, sometimes, it was hard. It was hard to watch 2 friends get married and while it was a joy to be apart of their celebrations, reality would hit at the worst times. The day I got my gallbladder out, I was in so much pain and just craved being normal in good health. When my younger sister got engaged, I was thrilled for her but in the days to come I realized that life wasn't happening the way I planned.

You see, for part of my life, I considered happiness as a destination. I'd look forward to birthdays, holidays, and life events. My thoughts went like this... "when I turn 18, I'll be happy." "When my friends come home from missions, I'll be happy.” "When I find that special someone it'll be happy." I literally laugh out

loud at my old Megan thoughts.

 
Because these thoughts are poisonous. If we wait until we are happy, we’ll be waiting the rest of our lives! Happiness is not a destination but a journey.

It's not easy. The things that matter most never are. In the words of President Uchtdorf at yesterday's women's Conference, "God didn't design us to be sad , He created us to have joy." I strongly believe that happiness is a choice.

So I challenge you, the reader of my blog, to choose happiness. Find the roses instead of focusing on the thorns. Look for the many reasons to smile instead of one reason to frown. "Good things take patience and work." My 150 days of happiness made for some of the best days of my life. The habit of looking for happiness for over 100 days made me a different person. It was a lifestyle change. Even in the hardest, most stressful and saddest of moments, there is always something to smile about. We are so blessed. Remember that "when things don't go as planned we can choose to have Self-pity or we can choose to have faith and be happy." ~ President Uchtdorf 

The Insignificant Time I Learned Something Super Significant

One of my favorite aspects about life is how we learn the most significant lessons through simple tasks. I think we as humans believe that we only learn through huge life changing experiences and I have found that the simplest of times brings the greatest lessons.

A few weeks ago, I was house sitting....and dog sitting....and cat sitting.....and goat sitting. It was a blast!!! Along with house sitting, the family asked me to take them to the airport and pick them up. I agreed, I do enjoy driving (except not in LA) and I was willing to help them out. Taking them to the airport was no problem--they picked me up at OHMYGOSH-thirty and I drove their car home. However, I was little more worried about driving to and around LAX. I had picked a family up from the airport last month and it went smoothly but LAX is like the worst airport in the universe. To say I wasn't really looking forward to it is a huge understatement.

Well, on that night, I inhaled some diet coke to stay awake and I checked google maps

at 8 PM. My ETA to drive 30 something miles was about 54 minutes, with a six minute delay due to construction traffic. I took care of the dogs one last time, hopped into their large SUV, and headed to LAX, at like 9:15 pm. to pick them up at 10:30.

If you know me...you know how often I drive down to LA. I've gone down the 405 freeway at least once a week during every summer to go to the beach or the temple. I know how to get there backwards and forwards. But for some reason, I set myself up in their car with my headphones and google maps going. I remember thinking that it was kind of silly, as I knew the exits by heart--and my phone was at 40%. But I kept my GPS on.

(Now this part will only make sense if you live in Valencia, so bear with me if you don't...)

Normally, I would take the McBean freeway entrance, but as I was on Arroyo Park, I decided to turn right instead of left on McBean. I thought it was weird that turned there but the thought came that maybe it was faster to go one exit further away from LA and take Valencia instead of McBean (which literally makes no sense). As I was getting ready to enter the freeway on Valencia, I looked and saw that traffic was at a standstill and then I realized that google maps yelled at me to get on the "Old Road" instead of the freeway. I made the quickest lane change ever and made a quick decision to get on the Old Road.

Now, the Old Road is well what it sounds like--the "freeway" or highway back before Valencia was all settled. So I'm taking the Old Road and I look over at the freeway and traffic is completely stopped. Then I look again and I noticed a ton of firefighters, fire trucks and at least a dozen police cars. Now, I'm kinda freaking out. I called my dad and he started looking things up. At 8:30 PM that night, "Diesel fuel...spewed out of a truck and onto a portion of the southbound freeway." Because of this spill, the 5 freeway was completely shut down. I couldn't believe my "luck." I was in shock. If I had gotten onto the 5 freeway, I would have been completely stuck and late to the airport. Instead, I got onto the freeway almost at the 405 and made it down in plenty of time to LAX.

Say what you will. Call it luck. Call it an awesome GPS. Call it a coincidence. But I know that it wasn't like that. It wasn't luck, it wasn't GPS and it definitely wasn't a coincidence. God knew that it was important to me to make it to LAX on time and in good spirits. He knew that I would have panicked and stressed out all the way to LA. He knew that the family I was picking up would have been tired and possibly a little cranky that I was late. He knew all of that. And the best part about it was that the Spirit was prompting me to go to the Valencia on ramp and take the Old Road. It was not my GPS at first---it was the Holy Ghost. What was even more awesome was we had the missionaries over earlier that night. The lesson they shared with us was a promise to listen to the Holy Ghost. I smiled the rest of the night and thanked my Heavenly Father out loud for watching over me. I know that God lives and loves each of us. He is aware of us and our individual circumstances. He only wants what's best for us.

Suffering is Optional

**Please note. This is not a sympathy post. I wouldn't trade my trials, my experiences, and everything that has happened in my life for anything, because they have made me the person I am today.

This quote was up in my apartment during my sophomore year of college. I looked it at 1,000 times a day, I'm sure. But it didn't make me think twice until January 27th, 2013. On January 27th, I was involved in a car crash which injured my back and neck. Nothing is "technically" wrong, but I've gone to a chiropractor and physical therapy for about 2 years with some progress. But, really, on a day to day basis, I have pain. It could be from the way I slept, if I've been sitting for 3 hours at church...it varies on the day.

But when I saw this quote on the day after the car accident, I made a promise to myself. I wanted to be someone who smiled through the pain. I wanted God to use me as an example to those around me. I wanted to inspire others who experience worst trials or silent trials. I didn't want to suffer through this pain.

Well apparently, my need to be an example isn't done. Since January of this year, I've had abdominal pain. And I mean daily sharp pain. It wasn't enough to feel physically sick after each fatty meal or free pizza at ward activities. Instead, I had sharp pain sitting during class and falling asleep at night. It was a tough couple of months figuring out that I have a little depressed gallbladder and that I needed to have surgery.

But God has also taught me a valuable lesson this time around. And it came back in April. I had just finished packing up my life in Provo and headed up to spend the night in South Jordan, surrounded by family. I was looking forward to family time and I was in a super good mood. Everything was packed and cleaned and I felt genuine happiness. My mom and I hung out with four little kids and we had a blast. I focused on my little cousins and I loved being the "favorite" as I was the only cousin around. When bedtime rolled around, baby Peter (my absolute fav) was having a hard time. I offered to go up and rock him to sleep.

When I stepped in the room, his eyes were closed and boy, was he screaming. I started talking to him, telling him it was alright as I picked him up. He wouldn't have any of that. He kept on screaming. I tried rocking him, patting him on the back, making "shh shh" noises but nothing was working. I got a little frustrated (mostly because little babies aren't my strong point, I'm much better with toddlers...) and I almost gave up (meaning calling my mom up to take over). But then, I nuzzled little Peter close to my face and he found my hand and wrapped his little baby hand around my finger. His screams turned to whimpering which turned into little shallow breaths. Within minutes, he was asleep. I patted myself on the back and made sure he was asleep...and thought about what just happened. I was feeling pretty close to the Spirit that day and I think God was trying to get a message across to me and I'm grateful that I was humbled enough to listen.

Pain will happen. Bad days will come, storm clouds will cover the days, and life will seem unbearable. There will come a time when life will be seem dark. When something bad happens, when a trial comes, or when you feel completely alone. It's in these moments when you are being tested that you won't understand why this is happening. Why Heavenly Father has a different plan for you. Why the deepest desires of your heart won't be answered [yet]. It's in these moments that you must have faith. You must have patience. When the world is dark around you, you must stop seeking out the storms and enjoy the sunshine that is peeking through the [dark] clouds of life. 

But suffering is optional. Turn your trials into triumphs. Smile more, laugh louder and love deeper. Have faith in God. Trust that this pain will end and will build character. Turn to God and reached out your hand. His own hand is waiting to comfort you, to silent your screams, and heal your sorrows.

In the words of President Hinckley, life is to be enjoyed, not endured. I'm having surgery tomorrow and I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know what my recovery will be like, I don't
know if the pain will get worst before it gets better, and I don't know how long it'll be until I feel "normal" again. But I have faith. I know that this trial has been a blessing in my life because of my faith in God and the constant support I have around me. I love my life. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me. I'm grateful for my trials and the strength they give me. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Coincidence? I Think Not

I always knew that I have a Father in Heaven who is aware of me. I've known that since I learned the words to "I am a Child of God." But it wasn't until recently that I've begun to realized just how much of a role God has had in my life, quietly guiding me to the places I need to be.

I finally saw a surgeon here in California and surprise, I'm having surgery and will no longer have a gallbladder. I've been preparing for that news since February when I "self diagnosed" myself through Internet searches. I even took an online quiz about abdominal pain and I got the answer that I should see a doctor immediately, haha.

Before my appointment, I looked at my calendar. I have a BUSY summer with various trips and I currently have a short term nanny job. Looking at my calendar before the appointment, I said to my mom that the best date would be June 8th. I'd have a full week plus to recover before my next big summer event, my short nanny job would end, and I had nothing on my calendar. After the doc gave the OK for surgery (his exact words-- "Yeah I can take your gallbladder out, no problem!"), the nurse informed me that the surgery could be done in a surgery center or a hospital either here in Valencia or 30 minutes away. She looked at dates and mentioned that she didn't even have one open in May. I looked my mom, worried that we'd have to postpone the surgery until later than June! The nurse then said, my earliest date is June 8 and it's here in Valencia, at the surgery center. I couldn't believe it. I almost said too quickly and full of enthusiasm, "I'LL TAKE IT!" I walked out of the office feeling complete relief.

To many people (and maybe even you reading my post), this is called a coincidence, as one of those lucky opportunities in life when everything is falling into place and working out perfectly.  And while this is true, I know without a doubt that this is not a coincidence.

I like to know that God is pleased with my decisions. One thing that I need in my life is the knowledge that I'm on the right path and I'm making the right decisions, or at least decisions God is aware of and approves. I didn't know this about myself until I was preparing to apply to colleges and included God in all those important decisions.  Since then, when I have decision, I always counsel with God in order to receive revelation to know what to do. 

The weeks before I made the decision to come to California, I was changing my mind everyday. I'd call my mom, begging to come home and then the next day, I couldn't imagine leaving my beautiful, huge, green Provo mountains for the dry, brown, dirty hills of Santa Clarita. Two days after my family left Provo, I got the results that I have a "depressed gallbladder" and surgery was recommended. I made an appointment with a surgeon in Utah and had two days to think about what to do. Another coincidence occurred here, as my ward has planned a well planned temple trip, full of fasting physically as well as temporarily. I spent the next two days with only church music, scripture reading and many prayers. Not a coincidence. I finally made the decision to come home to California. I felt peace in the temple that day and I knew that being in California for summer was God's will for me.

I've been home for over a month now. I am constantly amazed at why I'm here. I'm creating better relationships with my immediate family members as well as extended family members. I'm living the moment. I'm doing a 100 days of happiness and I have found MANY happy parts of my days. I am truly happy. I smile easily. I babysit...A LOT. I have not been without work and have had many days of working from sun up to sun down. I am meeting new people who I needed to met at this time. I need these experiences. I am gaining life experiences as well learning who I am. I'm taking the time to work on bettering myself.

And overall, I know that God is aware of me. Every time I get a babysitting job, every time I remember how easily this surgery is working out, and every time I smile, I realize that being in California is where I need to be. I feel peace. I feel comfort. I feel God's love for me.

Life is hard. I still have days when I'm in pain and I've been facing more problems since I've been home. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. But knowing without a doubt that my life is in God's hands, knowing He is aware of me, and knowing that His plan for me is better and more rewarding than mine, that knowledge keeps me going. Coincidences are REAL but they aren't coincidences. They are tender mercies from God and we need to recognize that His hand guides us towards these coincidences. When promptings come, follow them and God will use your life in ways you never thought possible.

Faith in God Includes Faith in His Timing

What a semester!!!!!!! If I had a glimpse into the future in January, I wouldn't have believed my eyes on what has happened.

It's been rough but it's been oh so good.

A quick summary--I've been dealing with abdominal pain since January 22nd. Doctor's are always shocked when I can tell them the exact date but I was having some sympathy pains for a friend who was getting surgery the next day. I waited a few weeks to see a doctor until I realized things were really wrong. Every lab result, sample, blood work, ultrasound came back normal.

After all this craziness, I decided in March to turned my life to God. I trusted in Christ. I knew that all things would be for my good but I felt pretty alone. I was floundering and I felt pretty lost. I tried to become a friend to all and really listen and help those around me. I prayed more feverently, I actually studied my scriptures and grew a lot.

Now, it's April. And finals. And I had a crazy week. Luckily, I was doing a media fast this week because I'm sure my posts wouldn't have been the most "inspirational."

I got a call on Monday from my doctor. She used the most dreaded word when it comes to medical tests...."abnormal." My HIDA scan came back "abnormal" and she diagnosed me with biliary dyskenisa, which is basically the fancy name for gallbladder disease. She referred me to a surgeon to talk about options and most likely get my gallbladder out. It was a crazy day full of emotions. I was trying to be strong and realize that there must be a plan in all of this but mostly, I was scared. I felt alone again but I remembered to pray and that I have a Savior who died for me and has felt every pain, emotion, and fear that I experience. It wasn't that bad of a day and honestly, I felt some relief knowing that I had a "condition."

Well, Tuesday just seemed like an unreal day all together. In one class, I got two voicemails, one confirming my appointment to see a surgeon and the other, a callback for a job interview. I had completely forgotten that I had sent in some job applications on Saturday because I felt peace about staying for spring. But.....I also felt some caution and that I needed to wait to sign a contract. So I didn't sign. And thank goodness I didn't!!

Anyway, after three way calling with my parents, I was a complete mess. I was in the Wilk and realized I was about to start my fast for our ward temple trip. I went into the mother's lounge bathroom and prayed through my tears. I felt some peace after I got out my phone and blasted Be Still My Soul.

At the end of my school day (and after a hug from Shelby!), I felt really good about going home to California. I don't know why but I felt much more peace from that decision. I think I felt the most peace because I was shutting out the world. I wasn't constantly checking Instagram and snapchat and I was listening to music that brought the spirit. I was praying almost every hour.

Wednesday was the day that really solidified my decision. I went about my day and canceled my appointments up here and made appointments in California (side note, you become an adult when you make your own doctors appointments, seriously! I'm an expert now on rating pain, explaining my situation and what I need!!). I studied for my finals and 20 mins before the temple trip, I got a text about a babysitting job at home. I was on cloud 9! That little text about a 3 day babysitting job made me so happy and feel like this is the right thing to do. I couldn't help but smile the whole time at the temple.

The quote that keeps on going through my head this week is "faith in God includes faith in His timing" (Neal A. Maxwell). There is so much this semester that has led me to these decisions. And I have even more faith that God is looking out for me. He has a plan for me. He has a plan for you. It's up to us to use prayer and those times to listen to the Spirit to understand His plan for us. I don't know why I have to experience everything I have this semester: physical pain, emotional pain, and days where I want to give up. But I know without a doubt that God is there for us. He is just waiting for us to exercise our faith and come to Him in prayer.

God is in Control

I've had a rough semester. But as it is nearing to an end, I've noticed something. While life might not be going to my plan, God is always in control and has a plan for me and my life.

Back in January, I started getting some weird pain. I noticed it running--it felt like a stitch in my side but it lasted for a long time after running and felt like the skin was tearing. I thought it was some sympathy pain but then I felt awful after eating...anything. February was a month full of pain and I finally decided to see a doctor, who suggested it was probably my gallbladder. I did some research, talked to my aunt, and was pretty scared. But I pressed forward and continued to go to doctor appointments, take medication and I even kept a food diary, which is what every college student wants to do.

Well, every result, ultrasound, test, EVERYTHING has come back normal. It's been an entirely frustrating process (even though I'm grateful I don't have gallstones, food allergies or Celiac's disease), as I'm still in pain after eating anything and I often toss and turn in bed as my side hurts so bad every night. It's been really hard and some days I want to give up. But, as March was a rough month, I have courage and know that God is in control and has a plan. I knew that from the get go, but last week, that knowledge was ingrained into me once more.

My doctor had one other plan for me after another test came back normal--a HIDA scan. She explained to me over the phone and used the words "nuclear," "tracer," "act like a fatty meal," and "painless process." My doctor's nurse called me back to make an appointment and I explained that M/W/F would work with my school schedule. She made the appt at 10 on Friday April 3rd. Well, then I realized my family would be coming in and I didn't want to be doing this scan while they were here. So I asked her to make it on Wednesday, April 1st and she agreed, even though she knew I'd be missing my class. I emailed my professor and everything was set.

I arrived thirty minutes early to the radiology section of the hospital, pretty nervous. I waited 10 minutes past my appointment time, watching everyone who walked back and forth wondering who would be helping me with this. As my name was called, I looked up to see a girl I thought was around my age. My heart leaped with joy! She was super cute and not an old man, and I felt so much comfort and relief.

We went into the room and she explained the process.  Using an IV, she would inject a nuclear tracer that would act as a fatty meal. My gallbladder would be filled with bile and then we would use the HIDA scan part to take pictures of my gallbladder and digestive system to figure out what was going on. She explained with confidence and ease and I felt continued peace. Being the new "daredevil" that I am, I watched her put in the IV (note to self, my right hand has the best vines) and then I was allowed back in the waiting room for about thirty minutes to let the tracer/IV do its work.

I sat, watched family feud, read Insurgent, and waited. The nurse, Valerie, came back and got me. I didn't have to change into a gown and I laid down on the table, still a little nervous but pretty relieved. I then realized that she would probably be in there with me the whole hour. I didn't know if I wanted to read, use my phone, watch TV or listen to music, so I picked the easiest choice of flipping channels. However, after about 5 minutes, I realized she would be a lot more fun to talk to then tuning out the world.

Valerie sat next to me, put her feet up and looked up at the TV with me. Soon, we started making small talk and then I turned my head in her direction as we began talking. Somehow, I mentioned that my little sister was dating an RM and that she was 18. She told me that her freshman year at BYU, almost every girl in her dorm was dating or engaged by the end of the year. I asked her how old she was (noticing during the IV process that was single) and she told me she was 28, with her masters degree and all these other doctor/nurse/medical tests completed. She then mentioned that sometimes she looks at these girls who date so seriously when they are so young and wants to tell them to hold onto those boys, because dating gets harder when you get older. She told me however that she had loved being single, she had gone on a study abroad, finished school, and enjoyed living on her own. I looked at this confident 28 year old super cute girl and envied her. Then I realized, haha, I'm there. I'm 21, single, and ready to live my life for ME and try new things that I never liked before. I got excited to follow this girl's example.

She then started telling me some dating stories. For just meeting her, I felt like this was completely normal (I felt like I knew her, we just clicked so well) and she started opening up to me about her current situation. She was going to have to tell the boy she was dating how she felt and she was scared out of her mind. I simply told her that she needed to have courage and tell him exactly what she was thinking and what she wanted. And I realized, listening, that her situation was somewhat similar to what I was going through. So I told her my story, about how the breakup came out of left field and I did nothing wrong. I told her how unfair life was when you're not in control. But I told her that courage makes everything better.

She paid me a great compliment, telling me that I'd be a great therapist or counselor one day. As my scan was finishing, she asked me how I was being positive about all of this, dealing with health problems, life changes and dealing with the fact that someone else's agency is affecting my life. I told her that I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father listens to my prayers. And I know that I have help on the other side. Angels are around me, sending me courage to do things I never wanted to do or planned to do. She looked at me, repeating the word courage. I realized in that moment that meeting Valie was NOT a coincidence. She hugged me, we walked out together, and we hugged again.

I was on top of the world as I left that scan. I knew that Valerie was someone I was supposed to meet. I knew my scan was supposed to be on that day. Regardless of results, the months of pain and not eating, I was supposed to be at that scan on that day to meet Valerie and talk to her. It was one of those moments that was so dear to my heart, the knowledge and peace and Spirit that I felt when at the scan and anytime I think about it.

I know that there is a reason for the change in my life. March was a hard month but also one of the most rewarding months of my life. In 31 days, I changed my attitude about hard things, I looked for trying new things, became a better friends to those who needed it, and grew closer to my Heavenly Father. I know that things happen for a reason. I know that amazing, beautiful things come out of trials. I know that something will happen with my health to help me or help someone else out there. And I know that life is hard but we can do hard things with help from above.

Courage Comes from Above

courage (n): strength in the face of pain or grief


March has been one heck of a month. Luckily, for me at least, it's gone by really fast. But I was hit with a major trial of my faith. In an instance, plans were changed, my health went from bad to worse, and everyday life challenged me in ways I never thought possible. I was scared. I spent many nights on my knees, pleading that these trials would be taken from me. I knew they wouldn't and that all things were for my good.....but it was hard.

One thing you may not know about me--I love words. I love quotes, phrases, lyrics--my room has always been covered in words and pictures. I think words can really hit you at a time you need them the most, so I always save every LDS picture with quotes on my phone and look through them from time to time.

I'm also a huge fan of being positive. I hate being sad and throwing pity parties because real talk, they don't help. I'm also a huge fan of faking it till you make it.

But after the month of March, I believe in courage.

Recently, the LDS Church's media sites have skyrocketed with posts about courage. I noticed it a few weeks ago but every day, there's a new post about #courage and how LDS members face trials. Interesting, right? Maybe it's just because the world is getting worse but maybe sometime huge is coming and we are going to have courage. Whatever the reason, it's been awesome. A few weeks ago, this quote was attached to a fellow LDS member's instagram account, that the Church featured on their page.

"In your 20s, nothing is set in stone. Every decision you make you have to do with courage because you don't know where it will take you. And so you have to decide what's important in your life and what you want to do, and then trust that it'll work and have courage that you can make it work."

I just love that. I think often times, we float through life and think we have no control over the events. We have to go to school, work, and we can't change that. So we let things happen to us that weren't in our plans and as such, our attitude suffers. We become pessimistic and we worry that things will never be better.  We feel lost and we feel that we are unable to control the events we face. But that is ENTIRELY FALSE. That is a lie.

I believe that if we take control of our lives, we will be blessed with courage. We will be capable of much more than faking it till we make it. We will steer through life with confidence, courage and happiness.

But where do we get this courage??

This morning, I was listening to the song "Be Still my Soul." I listened to the lyrics and realized that every line is so true. Heavenly Father is our Friend and He is on our side. We can bear our cross of grief or pain (Go back and look at the definition of courage!!!!) patiently and courageously. Those who are faithful during times of trial will be granted heavenly help and heavenly courage and lead their lives to a joyful end.

Heavenly Father grants us with courage when we are faithful during trials. Life is not easy. It's hard. If you're sitting there comfortable with how things are going, get ready. When I was sitting around, realizing how comfortable I was with life, that's when things flipped. And lucky for me, I was listening to the promptings of the Spirit and prepared when things were still going well. Prepare for the worse. And then when the worse comes, pray for courage. Heavenly Father is mindful of each of us and sends courage when we need it the most. He loves you and me perfectly and more than we will ever know.

Life is hard. But we can do hard things with help and courage.

I No Longer Believe in Coincidences

Have you heard the saying "when it rains, it pours?"

Well, that's my week. I'm not going into details but my personal life, my health, and my emotional health took a hit. I met with my second counselor for an ecclesiastical endorsement interview last night. He asked me how I was doing. For those who I've seen around campus or walking back and forth from Lib Square, I've probably told you I'm good. Cause I am. Or because the general population of humans like to tell white lies and say they are good even if they are having the worst day of their life. But when my second counselor asked how I was doing, I let it all out. His response?

"Well, when it rains, it pours." (He also provided some counsel, concern, and help, no worries).

But I was thinking this morning about blessings (After I threw up. Haha. Yup, it's been a good day). I'm blessed to think about blessings (pun intended) and I'm blessed with an optimistic mind. I've had dark days in the past but I've always found myself thinking positively and trying to be strong with a happy face, regardless of what I'm going through.

I've been volunteering at the State Mental Hospital this semester as part of my Abnormal Psychology class. I was super nervous to take this class, as I knew volunteering would be a part of it and I was unsure of how I'd do, who I'd be working with and most of all, I was scared of the unknown. But I took a leap and with some encouragement, I took the class. Not only has the class provided significant insight to mental health today but volunteering saved my life. And here's why.

I volunteer with girls who live on site from age 12 to 18. They are adorable. But even better than the fun I have, I volunteer with some amazing people. Everyone is always so smiley...because we're doing service. Last week, one volunteer taught a Zumba class as our activity with the girls. The girls....didn't love it but I loved it. I've always found that I love exercising when there's people involved and this certain volunteer was so happy and energetic that it made my day...especially as afterwards I got a particular scary phone call from my doctor that left me unsure about my future.

Tuesday's Zumba Class!

Anyways, I found out that this volunteer (let's call her...Anne) teaches Zumba on M/W/F. I thought to myself that this was way too good of a deal to pass up....until I found out that it starts at 7 in the morning. Now, I'm a morning person in the sense of I get out of bed, happy to start the day....as long as the sun has already been up for a few hours. The last time I woke up consistently before 8 was working breakfast shifts at the MTC or seminary for four years. So, I was weighing the pros and cons and just mulling things over in my mind, seeing if I'd actually go.

Last Friday, I was heading up to Pleasant Grove to hang out with a friend. I was running late but I had the thought to go to Chase Bank and deposit a check. As I was running late, I went to the drive thru ATM...and the lame machine wouldn't take my check. I was rather annoyed and pull into the next lane to talk to someone. I looked at the car next to me and who was there, but ANNE. I turned to say something, complimented her on her Zumba teaching skills and told her I wanted to come on Monday. We made some small talk and I actually called my mom to tell her that there was no way this was chance.

Sunday night was a turning point. I didn't know how I was going to get out of bed the next morning as my life flipped and everything took a turn for the worse. I had class at 12 and I knew I needed to do something to keep me busy. I remembered Anne. I texted her and asked if she was teaching. She seemed hesitant at first but then decided to teach. 

And this Zumba class has made all the difference. I've gotten up at OHMYGOSH:30 (aka, 6:30, for those of you who didn't go to early morning seminary my freshman year) and zumba-ed for an hour. Anne always comes smiling and full of light that early in the morning and it makes me smile. The music is uplifting and I'm enjoying exercising. I have started my day off smiling, even if it doesn't end that way. And Anne has decided to do it everyday! So for four mornings, I've willingly and excitingly woken up at 6:30, taken some friends, and had a blast working out. 

Hence why I no longer believe in coincidences. I didn't know my life was gonna take a turn for the worst. I never planned on taking abnormal psych. I only took it as a counselor suggestion back in October. I didn't want to take it once I found out about volunteering. I did it anyway and meeting Anne and starting Zumba really saved my life. That's why I don't believe in coincidences, I believe in God. God watches out for His children. His heart hurts when other people's agency changes our life plans that we want so badly to work out. But He always has a plan, if we use our agency, especially to read His words and communicate with Him. And the Savior is always there for us. His Atonement is there to succor us when we need extra strength to get through the day.

I'm not going to save I'm grateful for these trials, because honestly, I was a lot happier before they hit. But, I'm grateful that God looks out for His children and that He does have a plan. Things will work out for the better if we trust in Him and turn to our Savior. 

Transformation Tuesday -- Life Lessons from a Car Accident

Day after the crash, traveling
back to Provo

"I'm in a lot more pain than I anticipated. I'll be okay though. Gives me a lot of new respect for your accident, I'll tell you that."

I got this sweet text from Connor last Friday when he was recovering from his surgery. I frowned at his text (I hate pain and hated not being with him...) but smiled at his sentiment.  However, I couldn't help but notice that those nagging thoughts filled my head once more...

"No one knows what it really feel like. No one really understands."

And it's true. Well, except for any accident victims out there, or anyone else with neck and back problems. But to put it simply, the pain and ache I feel on a pretty daily basis is only felt by me and me alone.

Two years ago today, I was returning home from a pretty sweet vacation with some friends in Colorado (full story here). It was a chilly but sunny Sunday afternoon in Wyoming of all places when I was in a car accident. I can tell this story with my eyes closed.

The images I saw, the things I thought and the sounds I heard immediately fill my senses. The car flipping twice. The silence. The wind. The heavy breathing. The inability to catch my breath. Then the shock. The look in my friends' faces and the driver's face realizing that I was hurt. Fingers pulling glass out of my hair. The pain, oh the pain. The tears. The realization that I was hurt. The realization that I was the only one in a car of four young adults hurt. The thought of going in an ambulance. The thought of being alone. The thought of being in a foreign place and at the hands of professionals that I didn't know. And how badly I wished that this had never happened.

Two days after the crash,
Shelby sat alongside me. :)

Today, I'm still not completely "okay." I've been going to a chiropractor for two years, doing physical therapy for the torn ligaments in my neck and getting my back aligned. Most mornings, I wake up in a lot of pain. Okay, pretty much every morning. My back feels tight and I have a hard time even making it out of bed. After sitting for long periods of time (class, church, watching a movie, the list goes on and on), my tailbone hurts. It seems like anytime I have a headache, it brings neck and back pain. It takes me a long time to get comfortable when I sleep and then the sleep tends to still be restless. Connor can attest to how fidgety I am and how often I have to move when we're sitting together on the couch. If I don't get enough sleep due to discomfort, I basically feel awful the next day. It's not easy, let me tell ya. Each day is a gamble on whether or not I'll be okay.

And yet, I wouldn't trade this trial for the world.

"Wait, what? Did I read that wrong?"

No, dear reader. You didn't. I wouldn't trade this trial. For anything. And let me tell you why.

At first, I was angry. I wouldn't say I was angry with God. I don't know who I was angry with, to be honest. Probably just angry overall at the world. I didn't want to be alive anymore. But I wondered why me, a loooot. "Why me?" I thought maybe it was because I was the only one in the car without the plan to put in mission papers. But I figured out the answer in the weeks to come and now in the two years that I have passed.

1. Heavenly Father needed to humble me. I really dislike having that be one of the reasons for the car accident but I think it's true. I had become too used to doing everything on my own. I feel that Heavenly Father humbled me so those around me have an opportunity to serve. I used my roommates so much that year (shout out to Katie Shurtz and Shelby Patterson!). I honestly would have been lost without them. They stood by my side and helped me with every step--literally. But I also needed to be humble and recognize that I needed God daily in my life. I had become too comfortable and hadn't created a strong relationship with my Father in Heaven. I pictured myself before the accident saying things like "I've got this" and the weeks to come, I didn't have it anymore. I needed Him. I pleaded with Him to take away the pain but He didn't. And that didn't make me too angry. I understood that this was my trial and that I needed to learn from it.

2. I honestly believe that I was given this trial to remember the countless acts of service that everyone around me did. For goodness sake's, my own personal nurse Shelby Paige Patterson helped me shower! If that's not service, I don't know what is! I believe that Heavenly Father had bigger plans for me and those plans included serving those around me. Service is contagious. I love it. When I felt helpless, I hated it but I loved every person who drove me to and from school, who made me dinner, who helped pour me milk, and who just sat with me. The other day, I ran from the MARB to the Erying Science Center to print out a paper for myself and a boy in a wheelchair so we'd get 10 little points for our JST class. Two years ago, I could have been him.

3. Jesus Christ suffered not only for my sins but for every pain I have every felt. This was a part of the Atonement I never understood. On one particular rough evening, the tears fell silently in my bed. I couldn't sleep. I was in emotional pain as well as physical as I could see my roommate slip successfully off into sleep and I had been tossing and turning for hours. I reached for my patriarchal blessing and began to read. One particular part spoke to me, as it discussed how the Savior's Atonement is there for me, to compensate for the inabilities and weaknesses that are a part of mortality. I felt literally arms around me. I was alone but in that moment, Christ was by me, teaching me and telling me that He knew what I was going through. He knew the pain. He is the only one who knows truly what it feels like. And to me, that is amazing. That is one of the many tender mercies of the gospel, is knowing that Christ feels the same pain I do, whether that be physical OR emotional.

Since the accident, I can carry Lauryn on my back, I ran 3 5K's and I went rock climbing.
This injury hasn't gotten the best of me!

Even though most days I'm in pain and most people don't know what I go through, I cannot begin to say how grateful I am for the life lessons I learned from this accident. And in all honesty, I believe I can make a full recovery. The road is long but I have my Savior beside me. And He knows everything I have gone through on a more personal level than I can even begin to imagine.