Transformation Tuesday -- Life Lessons from a Car Accident

Day after the crash, traveling
back to Provo

"I'm in a lot more pain than I anticipated. I'll be okay though. Gives me a lot of new respect for your accident, I'll tell you that."

I got this sweet text from Connor last Friday when he was recovering from his surgery. I frowned at his text (I hate pain and hated not being with him...) but smiled at his sentiment.  However, I couldn't help but notice that those nagging thoughts filled my head once more...

"No one knows what it really feel like. No one really understands."

And it's true. Well, except for any accident victims out there, or anyone else with neck and back problems. But to put it simply, the pain and ache I feel on a pretty daily basis is only felt by me and me alone.

Two years ago today, I was returning home from a pretty sweet vacation with some friends in Colorado (full story here). It was a chilly but sunny Sunday afternoon in Wyoming of all places when I was in a car accident. I can tell this story with my eyes closed.

The images I saw, the things I thought and the sounds I heard immediately fill my senses. The car flipping twice. The silence. The wind. The heavy breathing. The inability to catch my breath. Then the shock. The look in my friends' faces and the driver's face realizing that I was hurt. Fingers pulling glass out of my hair. The pain, oh the pain. The tears. The realization that I was hurt. The realization that I was the only one in a car of four young adults hurt. The thought of going in an ambulance. The thought of being alone. The thought of being in a foreign place and at the hands of professionals that I didn't know. And how badly I wished that this had never happened.

Two days after the crash,
Shelby sat alongside me. :)

Today, I'm still not completely "okay." I've been going to a chiropractor for two years, doing physical therapy for the torn ligaments in my neck and getting my back aligned. Most mornings, I wake up in a lot of pain. Okay, pretty much every morning. My back feels tight and I have a hard time even making it out of bed. After sitting for long periods of time (class, church, watching a movie, the list goes on and on), my tailbone hurts. It seems like anytime I have a headache, it brings neck and back pain. It takes me a long time to get comfortable when I sleep and then the sleep tends to still be restless. Connor can attest to how fidgety I am and how often I have to move when we're sitting together on the couch. If I don't get enough sleep due to discomfort, I basically feel awful the next day. It's not easy, let me tell ya. Each day is a gamble on whether or not I'll be okay.

And yet, I wouldn't trade this trial for the world.

"Wait, what? Did I read that wrong?"

No, dear reader. You didn't. I wouldn't trade this trial. For anything. And let me tell you why.

At first, I was angry. I wouldn't say I was angry with God. I don't know who I was angry with, to be honest. Probably just angry overall at the world. I didn't want to be alive anymore. But I wondered why me, a loooot. "Why me?" I thought maybe it was because I was the only one in the car without the plan to put in mission papers. But I figured out the answer in the weeks to come and now in the two years that I have passed.

1. Heavenly Father needed to humble me. I really dislike having that be one of the reasons for the car accident but I think it's true. I had become too used to doing everything on my own. I feel that Heavenly Father humbled me so those around me have an opportunity to serve. I used my roommates so much that year (shout out to Katie Shurtz and Shelby Patterson!). I honestly would have been lost without them. They stood by my side and helped me with every step--literally. But I also needed to be humble and recognize that I needed God daily in my life. I had become too comfortable and hadn't created a strong relationship with my Father in Heaven. I pictured myself before the accident saying things like "I've got this" and the weeks to come, I didn't have it anymore. I needed Him. I pleaded with Him to take away the pain but He didn't. And that didn't make me too angry. I understood that this was my trial and that I needed to learn from it.

2. I honestly believe that I was given this trial to remember the countless acts of service that everyone around me did. For goodness sake's, my own personal nurse Shelby Paige Patterson helped me shower! If that's not service, I don't know what is! I believe that Heavenly Father had bigger plans for me and those plans included serving those around me. Service is contagious. I love it. When I felt helpless, I hated it but I loved every person who drove me to and from school, who made me dinner, who helped pour me milk, and who just sat with me. The other day, I ran from the MARB to the Erying Science Center to print out a paper for myself and a boy in a wheelchair so we'd get 10 little points for our JST class. Two years ago, I could have been him.

3. Jesus Christ suffered not only for my sins but for every pain I have every felt. This was a part of the Atonement I never understood. On one particular rough evening, the tears fell silently in my bed. I couldn't sleep. I was in emotional pain as well as physical as I could see my roommate slip successfully off into sleep and I had been tossing and turning for hours. I reached for my patriarchal blessing and began to read. One particular part spoke to me, as it discussed how the Savior's Atonement is there for me, to compensate for the inabilities and weaknesses that are a part of mortality. I felt literally arms around me. I was alone but in that moment, Christ was by me, teaching me and telling me that He knew what I was going through. He knew the pain. He is the only one who knows truly what it feels like. And to me, that is amazing. That is one of the many tender mercies of the gospel, is knowing that Christ feels the same pain I do, whether that be physical OR emotional.

Since the accident, I can carry Lauryn on my back, I ran 3 5K's and I went rock climbing.
This injury hasn't gotten the best of me!

Even though most days I'm in pain and most people don't know what I go through, I cannot begin to say how grateful I am for the life lessons I learned from this accident. And in all honesty, I believe I can make a full recovery. The road is long but I have my Savior beside me. And He knows everything I have gone through on a more personal level than I can even begin to imagine.