Faith in God Includes Faith in His Timing

What a semester!!!!!!! If I had a glimpse into the future in January, I wouldn't have believed my eyes on what has happened.

It's been rough but it's been oh so good.

A quick summary--I've been dealing with abdominal pain since January 22nd. Doctor's are always shocked when I can tell them the exact date but I was having some sympathy pains for a friend who was getting surgery the next day. I waited a few weeks to see a doctor until I realized things were really wrong. Every lab result, sample, blood work, ultrasound came back normal.

After all this craziness, I decided in March to turned my life to God. I trusted in Christ. I knew that all things would be for my good but I felt pretty alone. I was floundering and I felt pretty lost. I tried to become a friend to all and really listen and help those around me. I prayed more feverently, I actually studied my scriptures and grew a lot.

Now, it's April. And finals. And I had a crazy week. Luckily, I was doing a media fast this week because I'm sure my posts wouldn't have been the most "inspirational."

I got a call on Monday from my doctor. She used the most dreaded word when it comes to medical tests...."abnormal." My HIDA scan came back "abnormal" and she diagnosed me with biliary dyskenisa, which is basically the fancy name for gallbladder disease. She referred me to a surgeon to talk about options and most likely get my gallbladder out. It was a crazy day full of emotions. I was trying to be strong and realize that there must be a plan in all of this but mostly, I was scared. I felt alone again but I remembered to pray and that I have a Savior who died for me and has felt every pain, emotion, and fear that I experience. It wasn't that bad of a day and honestly, I felt some relief knowing that I had a "condition."

Well, Tuesday just seemed like an unreal day all together. In one class, I got two voicemails, one confirming my appointment to see a surgeon and the other, a callback for a job interview. I had completely forgotten that I had sent in some job applications on Saturday because I felt peace about staying for spring. But.....I also felt some caution and that I needed to wait to sign a contract. So I didn't sign. And thank goodness I didn't!!

Anyway, after three way calling with my parents, I was a complete mess. I was in the Wilk and realized I was about to start my fast for our ward temple trip. I went into the mother's lounge bathroom and prayed through my tears. I felt some peace after I got out my phone and blasted Be Still My Soul.

At the end of my school day (and after a hug from Shelby!), I felt really good about going home to California. I don't know why but I felt much more peace from that decision. I think I felt the most peace because I was shutting out the world. I wasn't constantly checking Instagram and snapchat and I was listening to music that brought the spirit. I was praying almost every hour.

Wednesday was the day that really solidified my decision. I went about my day and canceled my appointments up here and made appointments in California (side note, you become an adult when you make your own doctors appointments, seriously! I'm an expert now on rating pain, explaining my situation and what I need!!). I studied for my finals and 20 mins before the temple trip, I got a text about a babysitting job at home. I was on cloud 9! That little text about a 3 day babysitting job made me so happy and feel like this is the right thing to do. I couldn't help but smile the whole time at the temple.

The quote that keeps on going through my head this week is "faith in God includes faith in His timing" (Neal A. Maxwell). There is so much this semester that has led me to these decisions. And I have even more faith that God is looking out for me. He has a plan for me. He has a plan for you. It's up to us to use prayer and those times to listen to the Spirit to understand His plan for us. I don't know why I have to experience everything I have this semester: physical pain, emotional pain, and days where I want to give up. But I know without a doubt that God is there for us. He is just waiting for us to exercise our faith and come to Him in prayer.

God is in Control

I've had a rough semester. But as it is nearing to an end, I've noticed something. While life might not be going to my plan, God is always in control and has a plan for me and my life.

Back in January, I started getting some weird pain. I noticed it running--it felt like a stitch in my side but it lasted for a long time after running and felt like the skin was tearing. I thought it was some sympathy pain but then I felt awful after eating...anything. February was a month full of pain and I finally decided to see a doctor, who suggested it was probably my gallbladder. I did some research, talked to my aunt, and was pretty scared. But I pressed forward and continued to go to doctor appointments, take medication and I even kept a food diary, which is what every college student wants to do.

Well, every result, ultrasound, test, EVERYTHING has come back normal. It's been an entirely frustrating process (even though I'm grateful I don't have gallstones, food allergies or Celiac's disease), as I'm still in pain after eating anything and I often toss and turn in bed as my side hurts so bad every night. It's been really hard and some days I want to give up. But, as March was a rough month, I have courage and know that God is in control and has a plan. I knew that from the get go, but last week, that knowledge was ingrained into me once more.

My doctor had one other plan for me after another test came back normal--a HIDA scan. She explained to me over the phone and used the words "nuclear," "tracer," "act like a fatty meal," and "painless process." My doctor's nurse called me back to make an appointment and I explained that M/W/F would work with my school schedule. She made the appt at 10 on Friday April 3rd. Well, then I realized my family would be coming in and I didn't want to be doing this scan while they were here. So I asked her to make it on Wednesday, April 1st and she agreed, even though she knew I'd be missing my class. I emailed my professor and everything was set.

I arrived thirty minutes early to the radiology section of the hospital, pretty nervous. I waited 10 minutes past my appointment time, watching everyone who walked back and forth wondering who would be helping me with this. As my name was called, I looked up to see a girl I thought was around my age. My heart leaped with joy! She was super cute and not an old man, and I felt so much comfort and relief.

We went into the room and she explained the process.  Using an IV, she would inject a nuclear tracer that would act as a fatty meal. My gallbladder would be filled with bile and then we would use the HIDA scan part to take pictures of my gallbladder and digestive system to figure out what was going on. She explained with confidence and ease and I felt continued peace. Being the new "daredevil" that I am, I watched her put in the IV (note to self, my right hand has the best vines) and then I was allowed back in the waiting room for about thirty minutes to let the tracer/IV do its work.

I sat, watched family feud, read Insurgent, and waited. The nurse, Valerie, came back and got me. I didn't have to change into a gown and I laid down on the table, still a little nervous but pretty relieved. I then realized that she would probably be in there with me the whole hour. I didn't know if I wanted to read, use my phone, watch TV or listen to music, so I picked the easiest choice of flipping channels. However, after about 5 minutes, I realized she would be a lot more fun to talk to then tuning out the world.

Valerie sat next to me, put her feet up and looked up at the TV with me. Soon, we started making small talk and then I turned my head in her direction as we began talking. Somehow, I mentioned that my little sister was dating an RM and that she was 18. She told me that her freshman year at BYU, almost every girl in her dorm was dating or engaged by the end of the year. I asked her how old she was (noticing during the IV process that was single) and she told me she was 28, with her masters degree and all these other doctor/nurse/medical tests completed. She then mentioned that sometimes she looks at these girls who date so seriously when they are so young and wants to tell them to hold onto those boys, because dating gets harder when you get older. She told me however that she had loved being single, she had gone on a study abroad, finished school, and enjoyed living on her own. I looked at this confident 28 year old super cute girl and envied her. Then I realized, haha, I'm there. I'm 21, single, and ready to live my life for ME and try new things that I never liked before. I got excited to follow this girl's example.

She then started telling me some dating stories. For just meeting her, I felt like this was completely normal (I felt like I knew her, we just clicked so well) and she started opening up to me about her current situation. She was going to have to tell the boy she was dating how she felt and she was scared out of her mind. I simply told her that she needed to have courage and tell him exactly what she was thinking and what she wanted. And I realized, listening, that her situation was somewhat similar to what I was going through. So I told her my story, about how the breakup came out of left field and I did nothing wrong. I told her how unfair life was when you're not in control. But I told her that courage makes everything better.

She paid me a great compliment, telling me that I'd be a great therapist or counselor one day. As my scan was finishing, she asked me how I was being positive about all of this, dealing with health problems, life changes and dealing with the fact that someone else's agency is affecting my life. I told her that I know without a doubt that Heavenly Father listens to my prayers. And I know that I have help on the other side. Angels are around me, sending me courage to do things I never wanted to do or planned to do. She looked at me, repeating the word courage. I realized in that moment that meeting Valie was NOT a coincidence. She hugged me, we walked out together, and we hugged again.

I was on top of the world as I left that scan. I knew that Valerie was someone I was supposed to meet. I knew my scan was supposed to be on that day. Regardless of results, the months of pain and not eating, I was supposed to be at that scan on that day to meet Valerie and talk to her. It was one of those moments that was so dear to my heart, the knowledge and peace and Spirit that I felt when at the scan and anytime I think about it.

I know that there is a reason for the change in my life. March was a hard month but also one of the most rewarding months of my life. In 31 days, I changed my attitude about hard things, I looked for trying new things, became a better friends to those who needed it, and grew closer to my Heavenly Father. I know that things happen for a reason. I know that amazing, beautiful things come out of trials. I know that something will happen with my health to help me or help someone else out there. And I know that life is hard but we can do hard things with help from above.