To Forgive is Divine

I give second chances out like free donuts. If you mess up once, I'll give you a second chance and most of the time, I'll give you a third and a fourth. To err is human. No one is perfect and I know I'm far from it, which is why I've always been willing to forgive.

With this in mind, I've been watching some Dennis Prager University videos, thanks to a challenge from my grandparents. I find something good in each one and normally, I come away feeling empowered or with a new idea in mind. So, I was sitting in my room this past week before BYU started, trying to finish the 50 videos when I came upon this one about forgiveness. And boy, was it something I needed to hear.

In this little course UCLA Psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Marmer talked about three different kinds of forgiveness. As earlier mentioned, I feel like I'm pretty good at the first type he discussed, which is the "normal forgiveness" or exoneration.  This is why you wipe the slate clean and give the person a second chance after the harmful action, especially when the person does their best to ask for forgiveness.  Marmer says that if you don't offer forgiveness in this situation, it's more harmful to you. The second type of forgiveness Marmer discussed is forbearance, when the offender doesn't give a decent apology or puts part of the blame on you. He says that you should realize that maybe you had a part in it and still forgive or at least cease the grudges.

But what I really wanted to talk about is the last type of forgiveness, which is release.  At first, I was confused on what this type of forgiveness really means. I mean, I think release comes with every type of forgiveness, when you release the grudges. But Marmer explains that release is a type of forgiveness when the person does not apologize or does not take responsibility for their actions.  In order for you to move past this, you need to release these feelings.

In my own life, I can think of two huge events in my life where I still play the "victim mentality," because of an accident and because someone did not take responsibility for their actions.

1. The "Infamous" Car Accident -- For my new readers, hey, I was in a car accident over a year ago. I was not the driver and I was the only one in the car that was hurt. For awhile, I struggled with that, as it was really an accident. It's not like the driver was like oh hey, I think I want to wreck a car today. It was an accident and it was a freak accident that I was the only one hurt (NOT because I was the only one not preparing for a mission, which is what I thought at the time).  But while I was listening to this Prager, I realized that I still totally consider myself a victim of this random accident. I mean, sometimes, I still blame the driver because of x, y, or z. While thinking about this, I realized I need to release these bad feelings. I'm a strong believer that things happen for a reason, either a blessing or a lesson and I've come to realize that God needed to teach me to rely on Him from this accident. In the coming days, weeks, and months, I want to release these bad feelings, realize that this is my life and I will make the most of it.

2. Past Relationships -- I was in a relationship that ended with my S.O. cheating on me. And if you are lucky enough never to have this happen to you, bless you and thank your lucky stars that it hasn't happen. If you've had an experience like this, you know what it feels like. It's the worse feeling in the world to realize that you gave your all in the relationship and were not enough for someone, that they needed to get some on the side. It cuts deep. What was harder was when that person didn't take responsibility and didn't feel bad. That was really hard to hear, that something terrible had happened to me and the person who did it felt "numb." I was suppose to feel numb but inside I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I realized that I will never be friends with this person again and that really hurt as well. But I couldn't give any more chances or forgive him one more time or I would just be hurt again.

However, while listening to this Prager, I realized that this experience was not an accident.  This was intentional.  This was a choice that he made. When I realized this, I finally understood. I can't keep holding onto this. I am a daughter of God and He sees my worth.  He knows every pain I have felt and He loves me, regardless of anything I have done in my life. I need to have that release or how can I move on in my life? I cannot continue to define my life as "that girl who was cheated on" or even continue to feel like this was my fault, because it wasn't. I need to release these bad feelings to let go of that burden.

Now, keep in mind, I just realized this. I'm twenty years old and I've mastered forgiveness, right? Ha, no way. But, I think I have a good take on how to continue living my life. I still want to be an example of forgiveness and I will continue to evaluate my relationships. But I'm tired of carrying baggage and I'm ready to release. After all, to err is human but to forgive is divine.

(Here's the link to the Prager University, if you want to learn more:)