To The Girl Out There Who's Feeling The Pressure....

...to serve a mission.

Not everyone is going to agree with my thoughts on this post. And that's okay. I'm going to do my best not to offend anyone and tell my story.

I remember the day that the mission age change was lowered. I think everyone, Mormon or not, will remember because that was the day that EVERYONE put in their papers and was so excited. Everyone except me. I didn't feel right about it. I can't explain it but I didn't.

I had an experience in the temple literally 12 hours before conference. I wasn't even thinking about a mission. Instead, I was thinking about my future family. I had no idea when the worthy RM was going to come along and take me to the temple, but I guess my mind drifted into that direction. I got the feeling that I needed to change my life around, that something was going to happen and I needed to be prepared, spiritually, to handle whatever that would be.

Ha, then the mission age change. Many many MANY of my friends called/texted me, as my nineteenth birthday was only 2 weeks away. The coming joke was that all I wanted for my birthday was to turn into my mission papers.....and for some reason, that wasn't me. Friends on missions asked me and even close friends asked me. When I said I wasn't thinking of going, the judging looks and comments came...I was heartbroken.

Three months later, I was in a car accident. Bam. I reflected on that moment in the temple and knew that this was what my Heavenly Father was trying to tell me. I hadn't listened. I had gone through the motions of church, saying my prayers, and reading my scriptures but I hadn't gained that relationship with Heavenly Father that I really needed. My friends started getting mission calls, and I realized most of them were leaving. Not only was I in physical pain but I was in spiritual pain and emotional pain. I didn't open up to a lot of people....but I definitely opened up to my Heavenly Father. Those nights when I was scared, hurting, and just done, He was there for me, with His literally arms lifting me up through my hard times. I made it through sophomore year, but man, was it a struggle.

Then, my junior year started. Remind you, all my friends from freshman year had gone their separate ways....mainly North Carolina, Ukraine, Ohio, and a different ward. I was scared out of my mind. I opened up to a friend back home and he helped me, I suppose. But I relied on him too much and didn't make many friends my junior year. Towards the middle of my junior year, I found myself in a pretty unhealthy long distance relationship....and I couldn't find a way out. He needed to change his life around and try to serve a mission....and I guess I figured if I served a mission, I could easily get out of the relationship, would stop feeling the judgement and maybe find a good guy out there, after I claimed that RM title. Yes, that was my reasoning. I signed myself up for mission prep Fall 2014 and was excited....but I knew it was kind of fake. I tried to pray and read my scriptures but it was hard. Deep down, I knew I had selfish reasons for trying to serve...but finally people in my ward at home were excited for me.  I got SO many likes on the picture that I posted on Facebook about serving, and I finally found acceptance. I felt support. I felt like I would maybe finally be doing something good and noteworthy with my life.

In spring of this year, I was hurting pretty bad and at that time, I felt alone. My family was 600 miles away and I was lost. I turned to my Heavenly Father once more and strengthened my relationship with Him. I vowed to get my life completely back on track...thinking a mission was still in my plans. But I kept reflecting on my sophomore year and I would get that uneasy feeling. I assumed it was Satan, trying to distract me from the good I was suppose to accomplish. Then, senior year started.

This semester I took 4 different classes to figure out my life. 
1. Social Work 
2. Sociology 404 (qualitative research) 
3. Psychology 111 
4. Mission Prep. 

My first few days in Social Work, I knew I "found" my calling. Still in that "I'm going on a mission" mindset, I figured a master's in SOCW was a LONG ways away. I didn't prepared but I knew that's what I wanted.

The weirdest thing though was....my first few weeks in mission prep......I felt more uneasy in my entire life. I had distanced myself from the unhealthy relationship over the summer. I had strengthened my relationship with God. I had turned my life around. I was happy. And yet, I felt uneasy. Brad Wilcox is my professor and HE IS AMAZING. Everyone in class is just so excited to serve. I found myself in the temple, praying and struggling for an answer. Then one day, I was reminded of a quote or a scripture or a principle about personal revelation. I can't remember what it says word for word but the principle is the same. Once Heavenly Father grants you with revelation, He often won't remind you again. He won't hold your hand as you make your decisions. The quote by President David O. McKay as told by Boyd K. Packer comes to mind. “You must learn to walk to the edge of the light, and then a few steps into the darkness; then the light will appear and show the way before you.”

I realized I had a few options. I could continue with this plan to serve a mission or I could come to terms with the fact that a mission wasn't currently in my plans. And boy, was that a hard couple of weeks. I felt like I kept hitting wall after wall. But I kept my prayers going and reading my scriptures. I went to the temple. I prayed harder than I ever had. I felt like I wasn't getting an answer. So, one day, in the temple, I made a decision. I offered my heart to God, hoping that continuing on in Social Work and not serving a mission was the right choice. And for the first time in a long time, I felt at peace. I was no longer anxious and I was no longer worried for my future. I know a master's is going to be hard and I'm scared out of my mind. But I finally got excited about life. I knew that this is right for me.

So, to the girl out there who's feeling the pressure to serve a mission....take a page out of my book. Do not serve a mission for the wrong reasons. That was almost me. And I'm so glad it's not. I'm sure it would still work out for you but I'm nervous that it wouldn't. You don't need that acceptance from whoever in order to serve. Someone will find you for who you are. Love yourself. Don't rely on the acceptance from others, but rely on the acceptance from Heavenly Father. He loves you for who you are. 

In the words of my friend Jamie, "I believe everyone has a mission call but it does not always come on paper." 

I'm still learning how to share the gospel but not by being a full time missionary. I post on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I try to help everyone I see in need. I give my friends time when they need it. I try to love everyone I see. I help my mom share the gospel and am supportive when she steps out into that world to share her love of the gospel. There are so many good things in this life...pray to your Heavenly Father. Spend time in the temple. Make sure it's for you. Because a mission is not for every girl out there. I am a missionary but I do not wear a Sister Williams badge and I am happier than ever, being me and accepting and knowing who I am.