From the Mouth of the Vent-ee

I have often been told that I give good advice. My friendships revolve around the same type of relationships, which I honestly don't mind and actually might be pointing me towards a career path. But what I've noticed is I spend a lot of my time listening. Okay, that's not true. I can talk anyone's ear off--my family can testify to that. (Side note--dinner time during high school was "The Megan Show" where I would talk throughout all of dinner. It wasn't until I left for college that my sisters found their voices..). 

In my recent college years, I have felt like many people come to me with advice. I'm typically a friendly person with not too many problems of her own and personally, I LOVE helping people. It's always been something I've enjoyed-seeing someone take my advice and telling me that it helped, ah, I get SO much joy out of that!! I guess I've been told that I've been there when no one else was, or just had the perfect thing to say, not to brag or anything. 

However, there conveniently comes a day about once a month when a good few people come up to me, needing help. And I totally don't mind...but then I spend most of my day focusing on their problems, thinking of ways to help. Or wishing they could go to someone else, to take the pressure off me. Regardless, I normally sacrifice my time to help them. And that's okay! But I've recently noticed this cycle. And I'm not liking it and for once, I need advice. Anyway, here's my makeshift cycle. I don't know if it's "scientifically" correct or maybe there's a scientific term for it. But here are my thoughts. 

Now, let me add my own two sociology thoughts before I go a little more in depth into this cycle. There is a theory in sociology called the "Social Exchange Theory." Basically, it says that people are motivated by self interest -- that we seek rewards and avoid punishment. But the most interesting part of this theory is that social relationships are characterized by interdependence and reciprocity. In English? In order to gain profit in an exchange, we must provide the other person with rewards as well.

So if I sit here and apply this theory to my cycle of venting...here's what I've come up with.

When people come up to me and vent, I try my best to help them, because that's my personality. I'm not some heartless girl who listens and goes "oh that sucks." Instead, I spend my time helping, providing this exchange. I find my own rewards within helping people and the people I try to help find this reward in talking to me about their problems. However, as I sit here and am burden with other people's problems, I wish I was given some other rewards. I suppose I eventually do get a reward-I feel good about helping people. But what happens when I can't help? I don't receive any reward. And therefore, I feel like I need to find someone to vent to.

With all this sociology stuff aside, this cycle of venting is totally never ending. And if you're reading this, thinking, "Oh no...I totally vent to Megan..." PLEASE, continue! There's a good chance I love you and that I don't mind helping you, if you let me, that is. But meanwhile, it'd be nice if once in awhile...you could sit there and think before you talk. Is it really THAT important to help your best friend's sister cousin get over her ex-boyfriend...and is it really that important to tell me about it? Is it absolutely life or death that you keep me up till 4 AM telling me your life story and why you are deathly afraid of spiders? I don't think so.....but if it is, sure, I'll help you out. 

Just...from the mouth of a vent-ee, it'd be super awesome if we all could take a few seconds to figure out our own problems before running to someone else, begging for a few minutes of precious time to vent. Besides--no one likes a complainer. 

Identity Crisis, Averted!

"Say what you want to say and let
the words fall out." ~Sara Bareilles

Lemme start off by saying that I had a bit of a problem this summer (and no, puckering up to a llama was the LEAST of my worries...I just really like that picture, haha). I sat around and thought WAY too much...there is true in saying that overthinking leads to depression. I was trying to figure out what was wrong with me and I have about 5 drafts of potential blog posts where I tried to write out what I was feeling but I just wasn't getting anything, which was extremely upsetting because I find that writing out my feelings normally leads me to SOME kind of answer.

"These times are hard but they will
pass." ~SafetySuit

Anyway, I digress. Basically, I was sitting around thinking I was this horrible person, how teenager-y of me. I picked at my flaws. I didn't listen to any compliments anyone gave me. I second guessed every "good" thing I did (like doing the dishes every night and morning because I wasn't in school) because I was wondering if that was really me or if I just needed to act that way to "seem" like a good person. I opened up to a few people but wasn't receiving any reason for feeling this way. I searched my scriptures and..nothing. I was frustrated.

I finally pushed some of these feelings away because I wasn't getting anywhere. In Relief Society at my home ward, I sorta thought I received an answer for why I was feeling this way but NOTHING. Ugh. So I came up to school and emerged myself in college life. I met my roommates and while doing the normal get to know you, I tried not to paint this picture that I was this amazing person who never got mad at anyone. I was genuinely honest, explaining some past roommate problems and pointing out some of my flaws... I figured that this was the best way to figure out my problems (wrong) and maybe I'd figure out what I'd been feeling. I pushed these negative doubting feelings away that I was making up a person but they would gnaw at me during the night and when I was alone. I tried to keep myself busy (I know, this is only the FIRST week of classes but I found myself with lots of spare time...) but again, nothing was working.

"I'm a human being, being happy
and sane." ~Relient K

Well, I grudgingly sat down to do my SOC 310 reading. I've already taken a sociology class with this professor, during spring, so I'm having a hard time humbling myself in order to enjoy this class, which I know is going to be hard. Philosophy and theory? Not my stuff. Greeks and Romans? We're American...where is the connection? Sigh. Anyway, I started reading this article entitled Gift and Exchange and it totally captured me. It talked a lot about how pure gifts are found when we don't want recognition or something in return, whereas exchange is built all around, well, an exchange. Halfway through the article, it mentioned self identity when an overwhelming feeling of that light bulb moment hit me. I won't say it was a peaceful feeling but my heart started racing and I knew.

Over summer, I had an identity crisis.

At age 19?

Yep.

So now what?

"If we wait until we're ready, we'll
be waiting for the rest of our
lives!"

Well I continued reading the article and found why I had been so unsatisfied with all these people building me up. It's all based on relationships. When someone is trying to figure out their "self-identity", according to the article, they stop focusing on the outside world and focus on themselves, which is why I was feeling depressed. I was thinking too much about how others viewed me instead of how I viewed myself. So when an individual begins to think about herself too often, she will sit and rate her relationships. (True.) When someone would compliment me (Megan always gives gives people a chance) or sympathize with me (I totally know about your back pain), too often I would find myself thinking, you don't even know me!..as in the REAL Megan Williams. You just see the outward performance that I'm pretty good at giving...which I don't even know if that's the real Megan Williams. You see the girl who gives too many second chances, who stays up till midnight if it helps a friend (even though she's falling asleep while talking), the girl who says she's fearless (and will stand up to anyone and everyone with her opinions), and the girl who is just plain nice. But was that really me?? I didn't think so. I thought I had lost myself...

Hahaha.

So I'm sitting here, reading this article, freaking out, that I was only 19 and had an identity crisis when the reading went on to say that, well, this was sorta of normal. In the author's view, this search for identity happens because we want to feel love. We want to be understood. We want our voice to be heard, and we want to be unique. As I sat there reading, I realized that's all I wanted for the past...I don't know, year? Ever since I started the Sociology major, my mind has been open to new ideas, concepts, theories, and beliefs, and I wanted to share them with the closed minded people of the world. I wanted my voice to be heard, that societal influences doesn't make us who we are and that we can change our individual views to match who we think we are. Part of the time, I've wanted to be unique, I suppose, not following the trends of the world or listening to certain music or watching the hottest TV shows because "everyone's doing it." The "hipster" view, even though I'm slightly ashamed at being "that girl." But the article addresses this desire of being unique. Regardless of how "unique" you think you're being, you're really not. Ha, isn't that a bit harsh? Let me rephrase that...these feelings and thoughts of being unique are only found within the imagination. Therefore, when you think you're being unique, you've really just imagined it. Ah, the beauty of a paradox.

In any case, all these feelings that have been building up have been because I thought I needed social confirmation by those closest to me that I was a "good person" or "doing what's right." However, after reading this article, I realized that I
don't need this social confirmation. I'm living my life the way I know how or the way that works with me. I may not be an unique, really awesome and kind individual but I'm trying to model my life after my Savior, Jesus Christ, lived His life. And through Christ, I will find ultimate happiness in this life and the life to come. Besides, who needs social confirmation that they are a good person?
Not me. J