Suffering is Optional

**Please note. This is not a sympathy post. I wouldn't trade my trials, my experiences, and everything that has happened in my life for anything, because they have made me the person I am today.

This quote was up in my apartment during my sophomore year of college. I looked it at 1,000 times a day, I'm sure. But it didn't make me think twice until January 27th, 2013. On January 27th, I was involved in a car crash which injured my back and neck. Nothing is "technically" wrong, but I've gone to a chiropractor and physical therapy for about 2 years with some progress. But, really, on a day to day basis, I have pain. It could be from the way I slept, if I've been sitting for 3 hours at church...it varies on the day.

But when I saw this quote on the day after the car accident, I made a promise to myself. I wanted to be someone who smiled through the pain. I wanted God to use me as an example to those around me. I wanted to inspire others who experience worst trials or silent trials. I didn't want to suffer through this pain.

Well apparently, my need to be an example isn't done. Since January of this year, I've had abdominal pain. And I mean daily sharp pain. It wasn't enough to feel physically sick after each fatty meal or free pizza at ward activities. Instead, I had sharp pain sitting during class and falling asleep at night. It was a tough couple of months figuring out that I have a little depressed gallbladder and that I needed to have surgery.

But God has also taught me a valuable lesson this time around. And it came back in April. I had just finished packing up my life in Provo and headed up to spend the night in South Jordan, surrounded by family. I was looking forward to family time and I was in a super good mood. Everything was packed and cleaned and I felt genuine happiness. My mom and I hung out with four little kids and we had a blast. I focused on my little cousins and I loved being the "favorite" as I was the only cousin around. When bedtime rolled around, baby Peter (my absolute fav) was having a hard time. I offered to go up and rock him to sleep.

When I stepped in the room, his eyes were closed and boy, was he screaming. I started talking to him, telling him it was alright as I picked him up. He wouldn't have any of that. He kept on screaming. I tried rocking him, patting him on the back, making "shh shh" noises but nothing was working. I got a little frustrated (mostly because little babies aren't my strong point, I'm much better with toddlers...) and I almost gave up (meaning calling my mom up to take over). But then, I nuzzled little Peter close to my face and he found my hand and wrapped his little baby hand around my finger. His screams turned to whimpering which turned into little shallow breaths. Within minutes, he was asleep. I patted myself on the back and made sure he was asleep...and thought about what just happened. I was feeling pretty close to the Spirit that day and I think God was trying to get a message across to me and I'm grateful that I was humbled enough to listen.

Pain will happen. Bad days will come, storm clouds will cover the days, and life will seem unbearable. There will come a time when life will be seem dark. When something bad happens, when a trial comes, or when you feel completely alone. It's in these moments when you are being tested that you won't understand why this is happening. Why Heavenly Father has a different plan for you. Why the deepest desires of your heart won't be answered [yet]. It's in these moments that you must have faith. You must have patience. When the world is dark around you, you must stop seeking out the storms and enjoy the sunshine that is peeking through the [dark] clouds of life. 

But suffering is optional. Turn your trials into triumphs. Smile more, laugh louder and love deeper. Have faith in God. Trust that this pain will end and will build character. Turn to God and reached out your hand. His own hand is waiting to comfort you, to silent your screams, and heal your sorrows.

In the words of President Hinckley, life is to be enjoyed, not endured. I'm having surgery tomorrow and I'm scared out of my mind. I don't know what my recovery will be like, I don't
know if the pain will get worst before it gets better, and I don't know how long it'll be until I feel "normal" again. But I have faith. I know that this trial has been a blessing in my life because of my faith in God and the constant support I have around me. I love my life. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me. I'm grateful for my trials and the strength they give me. And I wouldn't have it any other way.